Mean girl teens

[FreshJalapenos]

My DD13 - who is DEFINITELY a prick to me challenge at times, but is otherwise completely lovely and sweet and I’ve literally never once heard a bad word about her from anyone - has come home from school in tears yet again because of a so-called best friend. It’s nothing huge, but it’s little digs all day, criticisms, exaggerations, humiliations and guilt tripping.

It started today (it’s always something every day) because we drive to school, I have a 9yo DS to drop off at his primary too. Her “best friend” wants us to drive past her house constantly so I can drop DD off and they can walk to their secondary. However, this adds 7-8 minutes to my journey, I start work shortly after drop off and can’t be late. So I don’t prioritise this “friends” wishes, I prioritise what works for me.

However this morning I needed to drop a present off near this girl’s house and my DD asked if she could get out the car when I drop the present off, and she would walk with her mate. I said yes. However, the house I was dropping off at was farther away from this so-called friends house than DD thought. She almost had a panic attack in the car saying her friend would go nuts because she wouldn’t be at the exact place. However, where we were is on the way to the secondary anyway, so they’d be passing it. I said “If she walks now, she will be here in about 2 minutes”. But DD was freaking out. I managed to calm her but in the meantime her friend spent the entire day complaining that DD “set off late” and “made them late for school” (she didn’t - the school app shows they arrived on time) to all their friends, was in a huff all day because “You weren’t where you said you’d be” and ignored her for most of the day and encouraged friends to. It doesn’t sound much but it’s breaking DD’s heart and interfering with her studies

Ive emailed the pastoral lead to ask her to talk to DD. DD has begged to stay off tomorrow. I’ve said no - she HAS to stand up for herself, otherwise I’ll be speaking to this girl’s mother. She says she will, and I’ll be on the other end of a phone tomorrow if she needs me. I’m really worried about her school work being affected so have mentioned that to the pastoral lead too.

Not necessarily looking for advice (though o wouldn’t reject it) but maybe solidarity - it feels SO personal, I’m so (quietly) angry and drained from keeping my rage inside. Do other girls experience this? I NEVER had these issues as a teen, I had lovely friends but this is the second girl who’s been like this to DD since starting secondary and it feels so hurtful.

You are right to put your foot down. Your dd needs to gain resilience & stand up for herself or she will be walked all over in life. It will probably all have blown over by today anyway and the drama queen friend will have something else to dwell on. She will be up against people like this for the rest of her life so she needs to learn how to deal with them instead of hiding away.

Don't speak to the girl's mother OP - in my experience this is very unlikely to be effective. The school may also struggle to change anything, because it's little comments etc rather than outright physical or verbal bullying.

I would encourage your DD to make other friends rather than expecting this girl to change. Does she do any school clubs? That can be a good way to meet new friends.

I don't think she needs to "stand up" to this girl - I think she needs to find other friends.

My dd cultivated a wide circle of friends - in fact she still has three totally separate friendship groups at age 16 - within school to address this problem.

It meant when a peer was repeatedly unkind she could say, “it’s not okay for you to take your bad mood out on me” or “I am not going to stick around so you can be mean to me.” And she’d just go and be with another group of friends.

Teach her to bite back. It stings when someone is mean, but instead of feeling crushed she needs to learn to zip out a retort and laugh at the girl. eg “are you seriously in a mood with ME because you couldn’t find me for two minutes, with google maps and your phone?”

or when you the girl is nasty or bossy just a bland, “ouch not nice, what’s got you in such a bad mood today?” Or “get over yourself already.” Or words to that effect.

Good school groups for my dd escaping teen drama and developing social skills and new friends have been netball, K-pop appreciation, dissection club, and debating club.

Also I second pp - do NOT talk to the girls mum. You’ll make it worse.

I used to be a form tutor for this age group and friendship issues are incredibly common. My theory is that they start secondary with some primary school friends and/or new friends that they make at age 11. They then all go through puberty at slightly different times and change a lot. This results in personality clashes and insecurity in friendship groups. There is a painful patch where most girls shift round and find the people they actually like and then things settle down. Encourage your daughter to seek out new friends in whatever way she can. This may mean making more effort with other girls in her classes or joining a club/sport or something in school. If there are limited opportunities in school she could do a sociable hobby out of school as this will help her confidence. The sooner she moves on from her 'best friend' the better. Bear in mind when she does start making friends with others, the girls in the original friendship group will feel rejected and tell their mothers that your daughter has decided to ditch them. That is why you never involve the other mothers. Only speak to the school if you have concerns as the teachers are neutral and don't find the issues personally upsetting.

Can you be the bad guy? My mums in a rush in the mornings and she said shes dropping
me at school instead. Sorrry I can’t meet this weekend, my mum said im doing XYZ.

OP my daughter had a "best friend" like that in Years 9 and 10. The damage that girl caused to her self-esteem and social life was immeasurable. It made my daughter's life INFINITELY better when she finally ditched her and blocked her on all social media.