How would you handle a 13-year-old becoming verbally abusive/aggressive at home?

[BaffledBanana]

My 13yr old son is getting more and more nasty to me. He speaks to me and his dad like shit when things don’t go his way.

Example, I had bought some tea for my three children for the evening yesterday. 13 year old went out with friends and then phoned at 5pm to ask if he could go to his friends house and have tea there. I agreed.

I therefore decided that, as the meal wouldn’t work for just the 2 of the remaining children, I would save it for tomorrow and get them a McDonalds as a treat.

13 year old has learned today that they had a McDonalds and had an absolute meltdown over it. He has called me a “fucking prick” an “idiot” “how have you got friends?!” He has picked us games in a tin (a couple of Dobble games) and chucked them. Swiped stuff off the top of a unit on the landing with stuff going flying everywhere. Chucked a hat at me and when I winced he said “oh poor you, you had a hat thrown at you”. His dad was out when this happened, I don’t think he would have been as bad around him but he is still rude to him and comments on his appearance etc.

when I have got upset over this behaviour, he just comes back to how unfair he is been treated as he didn’t get a McDonalds. For context, as the oldest, he has the most spent on him. Not intentionally, he just has several hobbies and interest that cost. We try and treat the three of them fairly. In the holidays the older two had a KFC and the younger did not. Stuff like this happens and it all comes out in the wash as well overall they all get treated equally.

im so worried about his reactions to things. This is not unusual of late. Recently we removed his phone due to a similar outburst. I have told him that if he behaves like this around future girlfriends / wives i will absolutely not excuse or stick up for him. It’s abhorrent.

what would you do in this scenario? I’m at my wits end and so worried what he will turn into.

I would tell him if he ever throws anything at you again or in any other way shows signs of physical violence, that you will phone the police as they now take onset of domestic violence by adolescents to their family very seriously indeed. You must mean it. If he tests you by attacking you, call them and don't hang up. You could also decide to contact his school and ask if he can have a counselling session as he is starting to show violent behaviour at home. You might also look up support groups for child to parent aggression. Don't wait until it escalates. Sort it out right now. Don't let him talk you down. that behaviour is never acceptable. Forgiving it normalises it and it isn't normal.

Then tell him he does not rule the family nor will he ever rule it through escalating aggression. You are the parent, you earn the money and you decide when to go to MacDonalds. It is perfectly acceptable for you to give his siblings a small treat when he is at a friend's house, having a good time. Life will not always go his way. Other people do not have ot put their lives on hold and wait until he is available before they choose to do enjoyable things.

Tell him life is full of tiny disappointments and he is perfectly capable of learning to control any disappointment and frustration at them. Failure to do so will cause him serious problems.

I used to find mimicking DC a very effective way of showing them the effect they were having on other people. I'd make sure your other DC understood in advance that you were about to raise your voice, but you are not really angry, just acting, then I would ask him how he'd feel if you behaved this way to him. Then look him in the eyes and scream 'You fucking prick, you idiot. How have you got friends?' Really sound like you mean every word and keep eye contact. Then immediately, in a very calm voice, ask him how it felt to be on the receiving end of that treatment. Make him answer. No mumbles and shrugs.

You sound very much on the same page as me as I have done most of that today. I have told him I will absolutely phone the police next time it happens.

i havent shouted back at him, I have remained calm and firm but I did hit record on my phone and recorded it all. I then made him sit and listen back to it which he tried to refuse but eventually relented and was deeply ashamed.

i also asked how he would feel if I sent that recording out to his friends and they heard it.

i have validated his feelings of disappointment but explained that, that’s life. We don’t always get what we want. He is not entitled to anything.

I would just have NEVER spoken to my parents like that. EVER.

he said “I just can’t control it when I feel angry”. I’ve told him he needs to learn. It’s not an excuse and I will NOT stand by this behaviour if it is ever done to anyone else ever.

I’ve also given him (prior to now) coping strategies and educated him about fight or flight and how to calm our bodies down. I have named his emotions and normalised them as he’s down up. We’ve held firm boundaries.

he has a bit more freedom now as he is older and he has responsibilities at him. He has lots of hobbies and is an absolute angel at school. People would genuinely be shocked if they heard the way he has spoken to me.

1. tell him you’ve decided to talk to school about his behaviour at home to see if you can get him some help.

2. the law. Inform him of legislation around violence and how you will involve the police if he oversteps. Then follow through, ask for the community police to give him a talk.

Strategy wise I highly recommend he takes himself off for a fast walk when annoyed and then sit down and talk about his feelings once calm.

He has no choice but to learn to manage his emotions.

it might be an idea to log what you spend on the each kid so you have a record and can demonstrate you're being fair.

Your DH needs to come down so hard on him that he doesnt know which way up he is. This needs nipping in the bud right now.

Boys as they start to get the first build up of testosterone that comes withpuberty often dont know how to act and what to do with the feeling of grownup confidence (cockiness) and power that it generates in them. They often throw their weight around a little to see where the boundaries are and where they fit into their familes with this new (to them) dynamic

He needs a man (his father) to show him, and insist on him treating people around him with respect, in particular his mother and his siblings. He needs to be told to and shown that with the privilege of getting testosterone and larger muscles that come with puberty, comes the responsibility of handling it.

If there is a single wiff of disrespect, in particular physical disrespect, he needs his Dad to show him his place in the pecking order of the family.

Also, along side this many compassionate conversations about what testosterone is, what it is doing to his body and brain and how he can handle it. Physical activity is really really helpful, can you give him a punching bag in his room so he can work off his pent up steam. Suggest going for a run, taking up a sport with older boys and men so he can see how they channel their emotions

They do come out the otherside as wonderful loving boys

Sounds like you handled it brilliantly, OP. Playing his behaviour back to him is a powerful strategy. But I would add insisting he reflect on how he;d feel if you used that language and tone of voice with him when he did something nice and you were not there. Really make him answer that question. When they are made to put the effort in, and consider being on the receiving end, it limits their ability to dismiss their behaviour.

As to him saying he can't control it, I'd show you have faith in him that he can. It might be hard and might take practise of some strategies, but he can handle it. He is capable. Maybe suggest he practises developing a less aggressive mindset, by telling himself things like: it's fine if other people have a nice itme when I am not there. I'm glad they had fun, I love them.

Or, to recognise that anger can be nothing more than a useful indicator. e.g. I feel so jealous they went to MacDonald's. That must mean I really want to go there. Get him to practise problem solving mindsets, such as: rather than turn violent, I could tell mum I'd love to go there soon too and can I do something helpful in return for getting dinner there one evening. Or, I could suggest going there with my mates next time we have some money.

And perspective mindset. To remind himself that MacDonalds will still be there, churning out fries and burgers every day, and he is 100% likely to have an opportunity to eat there in the near future. So smashing up his home, screaming abuse at his mother, physically attacking her are not acceptable reactions to the fact she went there once without him.

With my son when he was a similar age we would have moments where he was really violent and verbally hurtful. He is autistic and was going through a bad patch with education, but we decided though his behaviour was a response to this, it wasn't acceptable. When he was in a calm mood we explained to him that he had a choice in how he behaved and behaviour has consequences. So lots of praise when he made the right choices but if he made the wrong choices he was then choosing to receive the consequence. It was hard work. So when he would kick off and throw things I would remain calm (breathe deeply) and remind him that he had a choice he could carry on or he could stop. When he carried on I would follow through with the consequence, remove computer etc.., this could lead to him kicking off more, so the consequence would increase. So whilst initially it was hard work, and you have to stay strong it did work. When he calmed down we would talk it through.

At 16 now we rarely get any trouble with him. He knows we are serious and I will remove phone/ computer but equally we are really proud of how far he has come and he got to see what happened when he made the right choices. It wasn't a bribe but if I had noticed that he hadn't kicked off about something he may have done previously I would verbally recognise that and randomly I would go I can see you have tried really hard with your behaviour, am proud of how you reacted to x, y ,z lets go grab a treat.

Check in with school to and see what's happening there to.

No way on this earth would I do a spreadsheet to show him what’s been spent on him, that is simply feeding into his insane sense of entitlement.

He is behaving extremely badly and I think recording his behaviour for him to watch back is an excellent plan.

He's literally acting like a maniac over a 2mm thick piece of reconstituted cows arse in a stale bun. And cold flaccid freezer fries.

Tell him so. I'd be struggling not to burst out laughing.

I’d be taking an in-depth look at what he is doing on his phone.

Yeah, it’s not really funny though is it. It’s pretty upsetting and quite serious

Not doing anything on this phone. It’s checked regularly and he is not allowed social media. No TikTok / Snapchat etc here. We limit YouTube to the TV. No screens in bedrooms. Phone off at 7pm.

"what would you do in this scenario? I’m at my wits end and so worried what he will turn into."

I can't even imagine but transgressions always result in privileges removed. In this case, I'd be removing every thing fun from his possession for a limited period, no going out, no pocket money and picked up and dropped to school every day by one of his parents.

My partner and co-parent would be taking a very close approach to our son if he behaved this way. He would be leading the consequences and deciding when they can be lifted. If my son did this today, I can't see the punishment being lifted before November tbh. This would be extremely serious in our house. Like the worst thing any of our children have ever done bad. My oldest is 18.

We've never allowed backchat or a sharp tone though so these things don't "slip" into the type of full blown abuse he's comfortable aiming at you now.

There would be no phone and no need for one as he would be dropped everywhere and under full time parental supervision.