Son is highly unlikely to make it to the end of year 11

[Fedupq9wu]

What do we do? What are our options? Had trouble throughout the school years and was expecting this year to be the worst. But not this quickly and not this bad. The pressure of year 11 is just too much for him and he is now refusing to go to school.
Last week he didn't go wed, Thurs. This week he didn't go Tuesday and is saying hes not going tomorrow.
Hes a strapping lad. I can't physically get him there if he refuses. Ive explained to him this isnt an option and I can get into trouble if he doesnt attend. Ive also tried to make him see that hes so close to the end. But hes just crumbled and I dont know how we are going to get to June 2027. It feels an eternity away.

Realistically what are our options if he absolutely will not go? There are no local colleges he can attend at this age. How do we access the examinations for maths and english? I can't afford to pay for them and even if I could I dont know how.

School are willing to reduce his time table and other things. But hes just completely shut down and wont engage

Op is there a 14-19 study programme anywhere near you??? Some children really struggle with the pressure from school and the GCSEs.
Its good that school are being flexible.

There is a thread on EBSA here somewhere. Maybe someone with better skills than I could link it. Does he have any neurodivergence or mental health issues that have caused him to shut down like this? It’s so difficult, I’ve been through the same with my son but he’s a lot younger and only just gone into year 8.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5297998-ebsa-support-thread-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

What is the underlying issue do you think?

Is it a teenager going off the rails/in with a bad crowd, or one who is crippled by anxiety/depression?

Your approach will need to be guided by this.

What does he mean by the pressure of year 11? I’ve met lots of teens who don’t enjoy a lot of school or certain lessons but like seeing their mates and know they have to get on with it. So what’s going on in the background? There must be some more reasons. Does he have friends? Mental health problems?

It would be incredibly difficult to get him another placement at this late stage. I would engage with his current school re timand keep him on role as long as you can.

You need to discuss what’s not working. He can join the armed forces at 15 and 9 months. Would money and a fresh start help?

Regarding the exams, talk to the Exams Officer at the school. You have plenty of time, and plenty of options so don’t panic yet. They should know absolutely everything about this and will have seen your situation before, so please call them and have a chat.

1. they may allow him to sit the exams through the school, even if he isn’t attending lessons. So he would be registered as usual and just go in for the exams he’s doing.
2. there will be local private exam centres where you can register him as a private candidate. Check your local one for prices and deadlines, just for information at this stage.

If you need Special Arrangements, they need more time to get in place. Again, the Exams Officer will know. Options can be a private room so he can sit alone, a smaller room away from the main exam hall, extra time, a scribe to write for him, doing it on a screen rather than on paper, being able to take rest breaks if he needs them to calm himself. All of these have to have evidence as to why he needs them (GP, psychiatrist, school reports), so you may need to find out what is needed and when.

It is an absolutely terrifying time for a parent. But there are a lot of options out there, and a lot of support for him and many, many ways to do GCSE’s. Hang in there and do some research - you’ll find that once you know options, you’ll feel much calmer. Wishing you so much luck.

School is helpful. They have already arranged for him to sit separately during the exam and can have rest breaks.

Its the pressure of all the work involved. He is in the bottom sets and struggles but won't admit it or ask for help. He thinks hes going to fail everything so whats the point?

He gets overwhelmed in the school environment and acts out. He also really struggles with authority and argues back over things and then says all the teachers hate him

He thinks by not going it will all go away

How many subjects is he doing? Could he drop to just do 5/6 subjects, including Maths and English. It is enough for UCAS/Uni, provided all are grade 4 and above.

Good that the school are helpful. Is there a trusted pastoral lead who could have a chat with him and see what is going on? A school counsellor? It sounds like he needs some help dealing with the pressure, real or imagined.

Dropping some subjects might be a good compromise, and also potentially lead to better grades in the ones he does do as he will have more time to focus on them. Do the school offer extra sessions for those struggling?

If he stays on roll at school he can still do his exams there. If he misses more than 15 days the LA have a duty to put suitable full time education in place under section 19 of the Education Act 1996. He could attend an alternative provision/s or have tutoring at home, he can have an AP and stay on roll at school. It's unlikely the LA will want to provide this, or they'll fob you off to school to arrange AP, but it's the LAs legal duty to sort something. I won't lie, you'll likely need a solicitor to write you a pre action letter for judicial review to get this sorted promptly. https://www.ipsea.org.uk/faqs/what-support-should-the-la-give-me-if-my-child-is-out-of-school-for-any-other-reason

if he stays on roll at school they’ll be keen to get him in for exams. Bad results are better than no results at all and this sort of reaction is not uncommon.

does he have anything at all that he is good at or likes doing? Any confidence building at all?

school may be prepared to send out tutors for maths and English if he really won’t go in - I have done this for my school. Probably not after a week though.

This is excellent advice. He NEEDS maths, English, science ideally but he won't need art etc.

Can you review with school what the options are?

What is the real problem? I mean most people are stressed by GCSE exams, but it doesn't mean they stop trying. Is your son suffering from anxiety and what is the cause of it being so bad he can't go to school? Or is he just not enjoying school and thinking he can get out of it by refusing to go? Or is he just lazy?

Colleges might have programs he could join now to do GCSEs with them if a College environment would be more appropriate for him.

My son at 15 went to the local MPCT military college and it has changed his life! For the better.

In school he was miserable, angry and hated it. Depressed all the time/locked in his room.

Now he is happy, active and just animated really. He has been at the beach all summer with friends and engages with us, as in seeks out our company.

School can destroy some children as easily as it makes others.

I Urge you to strive and push it to find something that makes him happy. Ignore all of the academic pushy parents. Your child’s happiness and prosperity and attitude towards life is far more important. If they are happy, they will succeed

Can you pay for a private therapist to work out why he’s like this?

Could you afford a tutor for English or maths? Or do work with him yourself? That’s sad he’s already assumed he’s going to fail.

Do you think that’s why he argues with teachers? A sort of play the fool in class to avoid work he can’t do? That’s good the school is supportive.

what does he want to do after school? Can you look at jobs or courses and see what he’ll need to give him some motivation?

I would look at posting on the Not Fine in School FB page too, they are fab. Cannot link on my phone.

Would HERS help?

Agree reducing subjects definitely. My DD is depressing 5 GCSEs over 2 years ( just did 3). Its a hard place to be in I know.

How long has he been in the bottom sets for? Is this a recent thing or has he always struggled academically?
If he's always struggled, what support has he had over the years, could he have a learning difficulty like dyslexia that he should be getting support for?
What have school investigated?

Are there any behavioural issues at school?

Just reread your last line - engaging with him is key, so maybe focus on that today.

In the short term, maybe take the pressure off totally so that he can reset and think straight (in as much as he his able to). No school today if he doesn’t want to go, it is not worth it on a Friday if it is just going to create more anxiety around Monday.

In the meantime, contact the school today to discuss options, perhaps suggesting what you think might work (dropping subjects, part time time table, work sent home, online live lessons if possible etc). Perhaps write an email and copy to Exam Officer, HoY, Head Pastoral, Head Academic, SEND department explaining exactly what is going on and asking for clarification on what might be possible. Follow up with a phone call or book in for a telephone call on Monday via the school office.

When he is calm/less anxious, try something along the following

‘OK Bob, you’ve had a shitty start to term. I’m sorry it has been so hard and I can see that right now it is just overwhelming for you. We now need to talk about how you’re feeling and how we move forward. Staying in bed all day doing nothing is not an option and it will only make you feel worse.

What in your ideal view, happens now? What would you like the next 9 months until June to look like? I don’t want you to miss out and I am here to support you. If you can tell me what would help you the most, then I can talk to the school and we can work out what happens next, so that you feel more able to manage. We can make changes; I just need to know what you are thinking so I help in the right way'

Two days a week isn’t catastrophic - yet.
Have you spoken to the GP - is there any medical issue? Can you speak to the school attendance person? I see often on here that schools give a reduced timetable; I personally think in some cases that encourages the idea of the kid having a choice about going- I wouldn’t go there in this case because I think it will be game over for you.
Keep up the pressure and I’d remove devices etc. You’re right he’s really close to the end… what’s the actual reason he won’t go? Social pressure etc or? Don’t drop the ball now -
id keep your focus on him going to school and not bending; whilst in the background
look for a plan B so if the worst happens he has no time ‘in between’ as there will be no coming back from that.
best of luck to you xxx

Is It purely the academic side of things and school environment that he struggles with, does he have friends at school? Any chance there are friendships issues or bullying going on?

Does he have any SEN and if so is he getting enough support from school? Have Dyslexia, dyscalculia etc been looked into as well? If he’s feeling overwhelmed in class school could give him an exit pass so he can leave when he needs to and go to the SEN area to regulate / receive support? Dd has one but frustratingly she won’t use it because she doesn’t like to stand out or look different, but she says other kids in her class use their passes. Same with toilet passes, and loop earplugs unfortunately, she’s been offered all these things but won’t use them! So it depends on how your ds would feel about them whether they’d be any benefit.

I keep telling dd this is the last year she has to do this and we’ll get through it together, take one day at a time. It’s really sad as she loved primary school but the environment at a huge secondary school plus her SEN has been a huge strain the last four years, the constant noise and chaos everywhere really stresses and overwhelms her. She has always had anxiety around secondary school since year 7, and then as a teen that extended to social anxiety too. She has a group of friends and on the outside looks fine as she masks all day, but she falls apart when she gets home. The pressure of GCSE’s is making things much harder here too, she’s totally overwhelmed by 9 subjects and all the homework and revision, but despite having SEN the school won’t let her drop any subject, she doesn’t have an EHCP so nothing legally that school has to do. So if your ds’s school will let him drop any of his options subjects I’d go for it. Solidarity op, it’s so hard, I’m constantly worrying dd will reach burnout and stop being able to push herself to go in.

@Fedupq9wu
I would try and emphasise his qualities, what he enjoys doing and what you could see him doing after compulsory education has ended.

I know just how difficult it is to engage in prolonged conversation with teenagers but sometimes, even just you, or another close adult mentioning something might give him some input into something he might enjoy in the future.
Be that something to do with the outdoors, with cooking/ catering, with people related activities, with sports etc.

He evidently is feeling overwhelmed with what “school” means to him at the moment, a place where he is bottom of the pile.
He needs to understand that the majority of teens have their own difficulties, which they will all be trying hard to overcome.

His, being academically related are more evident within the school community, so this likely may be one of the reasons he finds school environment so difficult. You understand that at the moment his are “on display”, but they won’t always be.
Explain that the school is engaging and if they are willing to allow him to drop subjects then that is a positive thing and that you will support him.

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds really hard. Does he have any kind of diagnosed SEND / on the waiting list for an assessment?