Is it normal to feel this way about your teenager?

[HardyMauveExpert]

My teenager is 18. I think she is a young 18. She’s in her final year of sixth form and may/may not go to uni.

She is arrogant and entitled, rude and inconsiderate. She has zero chores around the house, and no responsibilities. She is going through a phase where she appears whenever she likes, and seems to want to make it very clear to me that she is choosing not to stay at home because my calling her out on the way she speaks to me and treats me/the house makes her uncomfortable. She chooses to stay with boyfriend, who lives alone and not with his parents.

I’ve made her uncomfortable because I am quiet. Not silent treatment, I just feel like I shut down whenever she speaks to me now. I don’t know what her mood will be or how she will respond. She knows my buttons and seemingly loves to push them. I love her so much but sometimes I can’t stand her being around. We talk, we communicate, we have open discussions and we clear the air but it all just happens again and I don’t have the energy to keep pulling myself back up.

I’m so tired of it. Her dad speaks to her but we do not co parent (his decision). I cannot go to him for support. He essentially has a new family. I know this hurts her. I’m so lonely and exhausted from this and I don’t know what to do.

Option 1. I pander to her, let down my boundaries, be spoken to and treated like this, to make her feel safe and loved and to reassure her I care, what person will she become? Won’t she just keep pushing people?

Option 2. I stick to my boundaries, tell her I’m exhausted and so tired and low because of this (which I have), she’ll continue to deliberately push herself away from me. I think she does it to see what I’ll do. I do nothing and she seems to almost enjoy that this confirms that I’m an awful parent, and she pushes away more.

I don’t go out much, so that I’m here and present if she chooses to be home (if I ask if she’s home- she’ll be deliberately evasive and not give me a straight answer, I think to see what I’ll do). I don’t let my partner stay over too often, or go to theirs. So that my daughter doesn’t feel pushed out.

I am living in this strange limbo where I just exist to make her comfortable and it doesn’t work anyway.

Have any other parents had this issue? Does it improve? I’m scared I’m losing her. But she exhausts me. And I don’t know how to make the most of my life without hurting or pandering to her.

Don’t pander to her. Her behaviour is vile. Believe me, you won’t ‘push her away’ indefinitely. When life goes tits up for her she will come crawling back when she realizes the only one who truly has her back is you.
So sorry OP. She sounds dreadful to be around.

Honestly op, I know so many lovely young people in their 20s who I remember being absolutely vile to their parents a few years ago.

Hang on in there and stick to your boundaries. It will get better.

I’m one for firm boundaries and not putting up with rudeness, but this has to be coupled with warm support and communication when they are around and not being rude. Just shutting down without explanation is unfair on a young person, especially one who is hurting because her other parent has rejected her. It’s possible she’s trying to test your boundaries to make sure you love her as well.
Maybe you need to explain to her how her behaviour makes you feel so she understands why you are being quiet? Because the more miserable she is /rejected she feels, the more she’ll go to her boyfriend’s house…

Sorry to hear this. You deserve better. Could you afford some counselling to help organise your thoughts? (If not, Copilot or other decent AI can be really useful for this kind of thing, I am finding - it helps me clear my head and make a plan, similarly to counselling).

You aren’t being treated with respect so I’d be thinking about minimising what you do for her (washing, cooking, transport, money etc) to start to show her that if she expects a decent supportive home life, then she has to contribute to that - it’s not all down to you.

It can’t be healthy that at 18 she has no chores at all, but if she’s impossible to get working then at the very least I suggest you stop filling the gaps. You can be quite clear and calm when you tell her why your approach is changing. Good luck with this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I'm 44 now and phone my mum for an hour everyday. I go on holiday with her at least once a year. I have DH and tween kids but I love her so much and enjoy going to restaurants and shopping with her regularly. We have the most amazing and close relationship. However, and I'm so ashamed of this, I was an awful teenager to her. I was very similar to your daughter. I was so moody and irritated and hated being at home. In hindsight I was desperate to spread my wings and leave home and discover the world and find my own way. My mum tried to keep the peace mostly but we would have explosive arguments because I'd push her buttons. I don't know what the answer is but just wanted to say it might not always be this way, it's hopefully just a phase and you should focus on you and doing more things that make you happy. Just a thought but could she be internally worried about her future. That was always one of my triggers and it would make my head spin that I didn't have a life plan and I'd take it out at home.