Teen daughter, friendship and boy dilemma.

[Squeekybubbles]

My DD 15 has come to me upset with a situation she's got herself in. She has recently for about 6 months been messaging and chatting to a boy she's known for years( since primary school). It's only been friends so far but she's been aware that he likes her and she likes him. They are both very shy and have been circling around each other. She in the last 2 weeks got cold feet and reduced frequency of contact because she knew he was going to ask her out and it's only just dawned on her that her good friend has been telling her that she has a crush on this boy ever since year 7. They are now about to start year 11. DD has never told her friend that she's in frequent contact with this boy. DD is distraught. She doesn't know what to do she knows that she has given this boy encouragement and mixed signals. She knows he's been very brave to voice his feelings and ask her out. She says if she says no he'll be very upset and more than likely never speak to her again out of embarrassment. If she says yes her friend will be furious as she likes him( although it's just a crush and not reciprocated) this friend has previous for freezing out other girls who upset her. DD thinks she'll have to find a whole new group of friends and school will be unbearable.
DD is burying her head in the sand. I've advised her that she cannot just ignore it and it won't go back to just messaging with the boy, she has to say something to him. She told him that it would be nice to go out but has since had second thoughts and is stalling on making further plans as we are away on holiday so she is waiting till we get home. I've said it's unfair to ghost him as my hunch is that what she is planning to do. I've also advised that if she does like him and wants to date him then her friend has no claim on him - you can't baggsy a person if there is nothing on the other side, but obviously shes worried about the consequences. I've advised being honest with her friend and asking her openly if she still likes him and being upfront that he's asked her out. If she gives friend an out she may say she doesn't like him anymore to save face. I think if she asks her friend if she minds her dating this boy then friend would have to be brave to say no.
She doesn't know what to do
.I don't know what else to tell her. I can't fix it for her and know it's a situation of her own making but she's so young and meant no harm. She doesn't want anyone to hate her. But it seems inevitable someone will.
I'd appreciate any advice she's never come to me with this sort of problem before and I feel a bit out of my depth.

The main point here really is that the boy wants to date your Dd, and she also likes him. Both will be hurt if she chooses to put this girl’s feelings over her own. There’s just no need. The girl having a crush on him has little bearing on anything, and if she gets cross about it then that’s unfortunate but it’ll pass. It’s a great chance for dd to learn you have to be true to yourself and not bend to fit other people.

If this other girl is willing to stop being friends with her over this, she’s not a good friend in the first place. I agree that your daughter shouldn’t ghost him. He hasn’t actually asked her out yet, right? So I think she goes back to normal and prioritises her own feelings over anybody else’s.

She can do what she wants! She needs
to stop being such a people pleaser.

Sorry I missed that important detail out. Yes he has now asked her out via WhatsApp. So there is no putting the cat back on the bag. No matter what happens now their relationship will change. They can't just go back to messaging. It's taken him up on the date or lose him.

She should go on the date. Maybe it’ll work, maybe it won’t but she shouldn’t go because some other girl might think he’s cute. She needs to understand the irrelevance of that and that girl needs to learn she can’t control others .

Thanks this advice echoes my own feelings about the situation but I completely understand her fears about her friendships too. DD has said she wishes he could have waited till the end of year 11 when she'll be off to college and won't have to face her friends at school for having broken "girl code".

I think you have done all you can and need to leave it to them to sort out now.
Your DD needs to decide if she wants to date this boy or not, it’s not compulsory just because he asked.
If she does great the friend will have to deal with it, she has no claim as you say.
If she doesn’t want to that’s fine too but she should tell the boy nicely that she would rather stay as just friends

This exact sort of scenario happened with my dd and a really good friend just before the start of year 11. Except dd’s friend had met up with the boy once about a year prior and they didn’t see one another after that. The friend was infuriated dd would consider him and was upset. I helped my dd to word things kindly but fairly to her. And the friend processed things and a couple of days later was fine.

I think in your dd’s shoes, I would tell the friend, rather than ask her if she still has a crush on him. Your dd can explain she’s also had a crush on him for a very long time. And she thought she didn’t stand a chance with him, so she didn’t tell the friend. However he’s asked her out and she wants to see him.

Given how well they get on, they might still be dating in a year, whereas this friend sounds flaky and unstable. She has the chance to date a boy she gets on well with. That’s a friendship as well as a boyfriend. I hope she finds the courage to put herself first.