Help with 18 year old DS and his relationship.

[turbomountain]

DS turned 18 in July. He has a girlfriend who has just turned 17. Unfortunately, DS lost his job in July as the business went bust. Girlfriend has left school as she has a college place so I knew they would spend a lot of time together over the holidays. It’s become a bit obsessive though. It’s every minute they are together or on the phone with each other. So much that DS has withdrawn from family and friends and has cut back on the sport he really loves. His girlfriend’s mum was always against sleeping over but since she’s allowed that in the last few weeks things have gotten worse. DS has applied for a few jobs but nothing happening yet. I am a bit worried. It’s such an intense relationship. He’s lied to my face and I am not convinced he’s putting everything into applying for jobs. I know he’s 18 and an adult and I fully suspect our concerns will fall on deaf ears! Has anyone been through anything similar!?

Sounds like a normal teenage relationship really. The most you try to move him away from it the more he will probably push towards it.

Thank you. I do know what you mean. It’s the lying that’s upset me the most. I know he will have lied before, I am not daft but it’s the blatant lying to my face that I have found particularly difficult and lack of communication. He’s not keeping up with the chores we expect of him at home. Pushing is adult boundaries I suppose.

Very normal. However you can keep trying to perhaps ensure it is a little less intense! Invite her over and try and have a meal together or a chat etc. Appeal to him to keep doing his sport. Keep channels of communication open. She will soon be back at college so I suspect he will then find a job himself and be more inclined to do so

But most importantly I’d just try and remember what it was like to be 18 and in love and don’t push him away with a load of rules.

having said that though, I wouldn’t entirely just let him crack on and do exactly as he pleases! He’s very young at 18 (regardless of half of MN telling you he’s a fully grown adult - they just aren’t!) so keep calm, be quietly supportive and let him know you’re there for anything he needs

Regarding the lying … what about?

I went early doors with mine on all this. I said to him aged about 15 that he could tell me anything and I’d always prefer the truth to a lie no matter what it was and although I might well be angry, I’d always have real admiration for him being honest

so then, when he told me stuff I was absolutely furious about, I’d be able to say ‘ you’ve done so well being honest with me’ and it kept that honesty coming.

Lies have been little things mainly but he was caught out last night lying about who was home, when and timings etc. I have said to DS thoughout his childhood and then when he got a phone to tell me the truth always, even if thst meant writing me a note or sending me a text if he felt he couldn’t tell me to my face. We have always had a good relationship. He’s told me loads over the years, asked my opinions and for help or just to chat things through. Everything has completely changed in the last 2 months.

This is absolutely standard for teen relationships.

yes, been through it with both my children multiple times. It does ease up

Thank you. Money has run out but he does have his child trust fund. He’s promised this is for his car when he passes his test.

He needs to make a plan for either getting employment or going into some kind of training/further education. No matter how “in love” he is that’s not going to fund his life is it? I would be pointing that out every day! What’s he doing for money now?

His wages have run out. I am stopping his Spotify. Will keep his phone running though. He has his child trust fund.

Oh dear he shouldn’t touch the child trust fund, he needs to save that. What job was he doing? And is he qualified to do anything else? Would he like to do an apprenticeship? He just needs to find motivation.

Tell him that you didn't pay into his child trust fund for him to use it as an early retirement fund.

He's currently thinking with his Y Fronts, he will be back, but he can't not work, so you need to make not working as financially unappealing as possible.

He’s 18… an adult who is working (or was) I’m not sure you’re entitled to know the details of his night. He should be doing his chores though as that’s presumably part of the deal of him living there. If he won’t and won’t get a job then you tell him he needs to claim jobseekers and pay rent. That’ll make him do something at least.

I was 4 months older than your son is when I got together with my husband. So be nice to her :) she may stick around.

Thank you. To be clear he is applying for jobs but hasn’t had responses. Yes, he could try harder. He’s going to a recruitment event today. We don’t live in a city and have limited transport options so it’s a bit harder but not impossible.