Normal teen behaviour?

[Jbear59]

Is this normal for a 13-year-old boy? Becoming very withdrawn/homebody

I’d really appreciate some perspectives from parents of teenagers, particularly boys around 13/14.

My son is 13 and has always been fairly quiet socially. He has a small group of good friends rather than loads of friends, isn’t particularly outgoing, but school have always said he’s popular, gets on with everyone and seems happy socially.

This summer, though, I’ve started to worry about him. He hasn’t met up with a single friend during the holidays. He spends a lot of time in his bedroom and when I ask what he wants to do, the answer is basically nothing!

Basketball is his absolute passion and he recently went away for a week-long basketball camp. I thought he'd come back buzzing, but when I collected him he said he’d really missed me and his stepdad and hadn't particularly enjoyed being away.

I've also noticed he seems increasingly uncomfortable being out in certain situations. We recently went into town to watch a big football match. He was absolutely fine while the game was on and we were together, but as soon as it finished and everyone was leaving, he became really anxious and just desperately wanted to get home.

He used to occasionally go into town with his stepdad to watch football too. I don't think football itself particularly interests him, but he'd go for the time together. Now he doesn't want to do that either.

Today I arranged for someone to have his little sister so that just the two of us could do something together. We went bowling, had two games and he seemed perfectly fine, but we'd finished within about 25 minutes and he immediately wanted to go home. No interest in grabbing some food, wandering around or doing anything else.

I'm struggling to work out where normal introverted teenage behaviour ends and anxiety/social withdrawal begins.

Part of me thinks maybe this is just what 13-year-old boys do — perhaps all his friends are sitting in their bedrooms too! But another part of me worries that his world is gradually becoming smaller and that staying at home feels safer than going out.

He's not saying he's unhappy and we have a close relationship. I don't want to make him feel like there's something wrong with him or constantly pressure him to go out and socialise if he's genuinely happy as he is. Equally, I don't want to look back and realise anxiety was taking over and I didn't recognise it.

Parents of teens — particularly quieter boys — does this sound familiar? How much time do your 13/14-year-olds actually spend with friends outside school during the holidays? Would this concern you, or does it sound like fairly normal teenage behaviour?

My DS was a bit like this. This year at 15 and a half (just finished Y10) he is going out a lot more to the cinema, the park, bowling etc.

I have a shy DS. He's 20yo now and more sociable but he was a homebody at your DS's age. However, the bit about suddenly becoming really anxious when out would worry me a bit.

When he's in his room, is he gaming? And if so, is that sometimes with friends? I would be less concerned if he's "meeting" his friends online than if he's had no contact at all with them over the summer.

Maybe worth looking into therapists who specialise in teenage anxiety. I understand your desire not to pathologise your son's behaviour but perhaps a low level intervention might help.

Thank you both. Its reassuring to hear. He does game with friends. I think i always go back to my teenage days and remember being out all the time, I guess its a bit different now. My biggest worry is that perhaps his friends are socialising and he is not for some reason, however I dont know that to be true!

Are you checking his online activity regularly?

oh god, I actually scroll the teen boards looking for adfvice on my 14 year old who has become so withdrawn/ stay at home - he was a really enthusiastic and outgoing kid but in the past year or two has become tbh a screen addict - and yes we have fought/ taken them away etc but there is also more deeply a resistance to really going out and about that I find bizarre.

I find modern kids are just lethargic! even when offered fun things they seem to prefer lying on their beds. I know not all - that's what is painful when my own child is so 'down' and not motivated.

I don't know the answer op but in my heart I feel its not healthy for teens to spend most of their time alone.

I don’t get this- it’s BECAUSE he’s a screen addict. Seriously how can you not put 2 and 2 together?