How have others coped with a violent, drug using teenager at home?

[1mtryingmyhardest]

My DD was the most pleasant girl you could meet until she turned 16. She lives with me 100% of the time. Mother has little interaction with her and bad mouths me to her when she does. DD got in with a bad crowd at school. She started stealing taking drugs (cannabis, spice, ketamine). She has expelled from school and arrested for shoplifting. When she is intoxicated she is violent, aggressive and causes damage around the house. I used to leave as it would just get worse. I would just park up in a nearby layby for a few hours to escape it. It all came to head when I was called to a local takeaway, DD was on drugs and drink and out of control. She assaulted 2 paramedics, an A&E nurse. Also bit me several times and kicked me in the face. Police had to pin her down and handcuff her. Cut a long story short. Her so called friend who got my daughter into stealing drugs and drink reported me to EDT (was present in the takeaway). I rang EDT for help only to be told I was treated as an offender for assaulting my daughter when all tried to do was stop her hurting herself. I actually recorded a lot of what happened on my phone as I suspected I would face something like this. I was investigated for 4 months then told that police concluded I hadn’t done anything wrong as the takeaway and hospital staff told them what had happened. The police didn’t even need to interview me. Police took their time and didn't secure the takeaway recording. After I was cleared the same girl came round to my house. I told my daughter her friend had to leave. DD went berserk. I have a pet camera in the house which I sit in front of to prevent allegations against me. My daughter rang 999 and said I had assaulted them. Again police arrived with blue lights. I showed the police the recording and they were sympathetic to me. Had words with my daughter and left. Ive later found out that they still recorded 2 crimes against me (apparently they have to from the 999 call even though it was not true). Again, not interviewed and I can prove what really happened. I recently applied for a police staff role only to fail the vetting due these false reports. My daughter continues to be abusive. She damaged a new front door. Smoke cannabis in her bedroom throughout the night. I just don’t know what to do. I was recently diagnosed with a heart condition and stress. I’m well past the end of my tether. I feel DD mother just winds my daughter up and Social Services don’t do anything to help in a positive way. In some ways made things a lot worse. I have no other family support. Every day is a battle and unpleasant. I’ve read through so many similar stories on here, but rarely do they show how it all ended up. I’ve told my daughter who is nearly 17 she will need to leave when she is 18. I just can’t go on like this for years. I will just end up in an early grave. No break, no holidays just relentless daily abuse from a teenage tyrant who actually wishes I was dead anyway. I also applied for a police job only to fail vetting due to the false allegations against me! I’m interest to know how those who have been through this actually coped. How did it all end and what did they do to get to a turning positive point or didn’t. I just do not see any light at the end of the tunnel and would welcome hearing how anyone got through this.

I cannot be of much help other than you can appeal the crimes recorded and the fact they have had you fail as a result of them. Yes they do have to record crimes when a call is made, if any are alleged to have happened, but they also have the power to overwrite this (I am ex police staff).

As for DD you could kick her out so she presents as homeless, it could go one of two ways, she'll either have a push to sort herself out or she'll become more ensconced in that lifestyle. Which do you think it will be?

Do you ever see any snippets of the old her, or is this her all the time now?

Edited, clumsy wording.

Didn’t want to read and run - this sounds incredibly difficult.
My parents had similar with my brother; but his begun younger. I think the fact this began at 16 is somewhat promising because to my mind it’s quite late on.
Not to minimise it but to offer some positive angle.
now for the serious part : you need professional help. Sign yourself up for counselling; alone- you could try and take her at a later date. This is a huge thing to face.
How close are the two of you? Does she speak to you openly about how she is feeling? Have you spoken to your doctor GP?? (Are you in the UK?)
Where is her mum??? Any female relatives who are close to her/ or female older friends? Is there any kind of plan for her education in place? How stable is your living situation? Is there any history of abuse and addiction in the family on any side? Where is she getting money from to buy drugs / alcohol? I get the impression you are possibly in the states.

I'm in the UK. I think the police filed the crimes under insufficient evidence but they will always exist on the system. I haven't appealed the decision. I just felt embarrassed. We used to be close but we aren't now. I think she has some underlying MH issues. I tried to go down that route but she needs to consent and she won't. Her mum abandoned her a couple of years ago. We are divorced l. There's a lot of issues on her side of the family with long running rifts and fallouts. They don't think twice about bringing DD into their battles to score points. DD does work which is a positive but gives her opportunities to buy drink and drugs. Her friends use her to buy for them so she is easily manipulated. She is due to start college in September. I'm hoping that it might change things for the better but her existing friends are just there. I have my own home in quite an affluent area. School were rubbish. They just wanted her out of school as much as they could rather than support. I guess they needed to focus on the other children studying for GCSEs rather than those who disrupt. I'm carrying a lot of feelings of grievance and resentment. Try and get out as much as I can to do things I enjoy but unfortunately they are few.

Have you heard of 'tough love'?
You really don't need to put up with this behaviour in your own home.

I had a close friend who went off the rails in a similar way in his late teens. His parents eventually said out ot the house unless you start rehab. He sadly developed psychosis partly from drug use and never recovered.

I say this only to express sympathy as ultimately there.is no clear or easy answer here.

Do you think she may have underlying mh problems ? Sadly I think my friends parents underestimated.how mentally unwell he was although I dont think much could have changed his path.

My child is autistic .so I have some experience with seeking family support

Have you ever self referred to social services?

In my city it's called front door for families

I actually found them helpful and intelligent. They can also point you to other services.

It sounds like what you need is to speak to people who have been in your situation

Are there local drug support charities who may have a family support service?

I wonder if you could find some teen homeless help also and try to get her a space in a hostel.

I have been through similar. But not the drugs so thats probably a big difference.

My son was physically violent and verbally aggressive. I kicked him out at 16 social services got involved briefly. Ds stayed home a bit longer. Thing's got worse I kicked him out at 17. He stayed in supported accommodation. For a while then he was moved to semi independent. During this time things changed. And got much better with time. We get on well now we talk everyday for long periods of time. He comes over when he feels like it.

He was in supported accommodation for 18-2yrs. Because he had been in supported accommodation it meant he was in a high banding to be housed by the council. Once the supported accommodation came to an end he was house by the council quite quickly.. But the hard bit is if you decide to tell her to leave you really need to do it before she's 18. So when she's 16-17. That way the council have a duty to house her once she's 18. If its left till she's 18 they have no duty to house her and could end up on the streets.

Would your DD engage in any support for the drugs issue? How is sge when she's not with her friends? Or taking drugs

@1mtryingmyhardest some good points here in the posts above - have you spoken to social services? That would be a good place to get further support at this point. It sounds like she needs some medical help - rehab but also treatment for any mh issues. See if you can get her back to the GP? If you have a talk with her about what she wants later in life and how she can get there. xx