DS spends every waking minute at his girlfriend’s house over the holidays

[greyhoodieagain]

Hi all,

Wondering if I’m being a bit old fashioned here.

My eldest is 16 and has been with his girlfriend just over a year now. They’re both sensible kids, she’s lovely honestly and I’ve never had any reason not to trust either of them.

It’s the summer holidays though and if he’s awake, he’s there.

He’ll come down about 9ish, have some cereal, ask if we’ve got anything planned, then not long after he’ll say “I’m just heading out” and that’s him until tea or sometimes later if they’re having food there.

He’s not disappearing off somewhere unknown. I know where he is. He answers his phone if I message and if I ask him to be home by a certain time he is.

I think what I’m struggling with is he doesn’t seem to actually want to be at home much anymore. We could all be sat watching something and if she messages he’ll be gone within ten minutes.

DH says this is exactly what teenagers do and I’m making something out of nothing.

Maybe I am.

Part of me thinks he’s nearly 17, he’s not causing any bother and he’s with one girl he’s been with ages rather than hanging round getting into trouble.

The other part of me thinks surely it’s healthy to spend a bit of time at home too?

Should probably add she’s a year older than him and finished sixth form this summer if that makes any difference. She’s always polite when she’s here and her parents seem nice enough from the couple of times we’ve met them.

Just wondering if this is completely normal nowadays or if anyone else’s teenager practically moved out for the six weeks.

I never spent 5 minutes with my parents at that age. I was always out.

Once I had a long-term boyfriend I rarely went home at all. We spent all our time together.

If the house owner is ok with it I wouldn't bother (if they think he's being a cf eating all their food/using all their hot water or whatever, it's up to him to discuss that with them).
I was always out either working/studying or socialising from about the age of 16, didn't really see my family despite officially living there. I was quiet when I went home each night at stupid o'clock, though, did give them some of my pay, and didn't leave a mess before anyone calls me a cf.

Well, it’s normal but I understand your feelings

can you offer for both of them to come to yours? What can they do there that they can’t do at yours?

Completely normal. Be grateful it’s not your daughter’s boyfriend that practically moved in one summer - eating all your food and getting under your feet. Ask me how I know!

It’s the other way round here, whenever DS is home from work his GF is here. I often wonder what her parents think of it but I don’t mind either way. I think my DS has the bigger room out of the two houses and they have an en-suite here so just prefer being here to her house.

But in answer to your question I think it’s totally normal behaviour for a late teen.

My only concern would be that he might become a burden to his girlfriend’s family

I would guess that her parents are both out all day, giving the teenagers “time alone” 😉

When does he see his friends?

Do he and gf go out and do stuff, or are they just at her house all the time? Don't her parents get fed up with that?

Thanks everyone, reading these has actually made me feel a bit better if I’m honest.

I don’t think her parents mind because he’s been going there for months now and if they wanted a bit more space I’d have thought they’d have hinted by now. He says if they’re having family time or they’ve got people round he obviously doesn’t just turn up.

A few have asked why they’re not here more. They do come here, just nowhere near as much. Think if I added it up it’s probably 80/20. She’s got a bigger house than us if I’m honest. Mine’s a 3 bed and my eldest still shares with his little brother so if they’re watching a film or just wanting to sit and chat there’s not really anywhere for them apart from the living room with the rest of us wandering in and out.

He’s still seeing his mates. He’ll play football with them or go out for a bit, just not every day like he used to. I suppose that’s what’s made me notice it.

He’s not the sort that ignores messages or anything. If I text him he’ll answer, and if I ask him to be home for tea he usually is unless they’ve invited him to eat there, in which case he’ll let me know.

I think maybe it’s more me noticing that he’s getting older than anything else. Feels like yesterday he was following me round Tesco asking for Pokémon cards and now I barely see him before he’s got his shoes on again. 😅

If he has to share a room in your house with a little brother that's your answer to why he's at the girlfriends house all the time!
The cost on the girlfriends parents for feeding him just be a lot, tell him to contribute to this or to go home for dinner.

I hated spending time at home at 16! I was always at my boyfriends house too if I wasn't out with friends. Having said that, I know that if dds do the same I'll feel a but sad!

I agree with why he is there, but I wouldn't be telling him to 'contribute' to being fed. It's up to them whether they host him or not. I've fed lots of teens and would have found it awkward to have them offer me money to stay for tea.

DS was like this late teens with a gf and I took the view that it was 'not my circus, not my monkeys' about whether he was being too much. Or at least, it's probably my monkey - but send the chimp home if you don't want him there that often.

The only thing I’d be worried about is what has happened to his friends? He doesn’t want to be isolating himself for a relationship that probably will not last. It is normal though for a teenager to be out a lot.

@SmashThePatriarchy OP wrote he sees his friends

@Hatty65 he should go home when the family are going to start making their food, that would be polite.

Absolutely at this it’s age normal to be out all the time - if her parents work long hours, work shifts , let them spend time alone with no interference no younger siblings and a larger house these all contribute to the attraction to being there more - also easier to have sex I’m afraid which is probably the key here if 16/17