Sibling rivalry over money

[Debbiedoodle123]

How do you manage jealousy between siblings?

dd1 likes vintage clothing and enjoys nothing better than a trip to a charity shop/vintage fair and also buys lots on vinted. She is also great at reselling stuff she doesn’t want and even sells stuff for a profit at times. Loves books and craft things but again not expensive.
Dd2 loves designer brands, expensive makeup and trainers. She does look after her stuff but doesn’t really appreciate the value of money.
they are like chalk and cheese and unfortunately dd2 is saying that we spend more money on dd1. I am always careful to spend similar amounts at birthday/Christmas and even keep a list on my phone which I have shown her. We try and make sure both get shopping trips every month or so.
how do you manage this type of situation?

What does DD2 say when you explain it to her? It sounds like you’re doing the right things by being transparent.

I know you’re not suggesting this, but you absolutely shouldn’t feel pressured to spend more on the DD who has expensive tastes!

Do you siege more on dd1? It doesn’t sound like you do.

ask dd2 why she thinks you do

@Henriettina
she tends to be irrational and not willing to listen… She does tend to bring it up when there is a different argument going on. I’ll perhaps try another time when she is calmer and more willing to listen to reason.

No we try really hard to be fair.
dd1 is at sixth form and has money in her bank account for her lunches as she is allowed out at lunch and dd2 has to have money for lunch put onto her parent pay account.
dd1 is trying to get a part time job and is volunteering. I wish she would get a job and then some of the pressure would be off us!
dd2 says we are ‘always’ buying stuff for dd1 but can’t see that we do the same for her.
wonder if I should start writing a list on the kitchen chalk board!

I give my dd a fixed amount each month to buy her own clothes. Shes more Vinted like your dd1 and she is a lot more careful now it’s her own money!!

I’m guessing she thinks you spend more because dd1 gets more for the money

Give them the same monthly allowance each.

Sorry do you mean you buy them things? If so, I can see why dd2 gets the impression that dd1 gets piles of stuff and she gets one thing.

Can you try directing dd2 towards vinted etc as well for her designer gear?

@BeardySchnauzer
yes exactly, for her birthday dd2 picked a lovely hoodie but it was £80 and dd1 had all sorts of gifts to make that amount! She just doesn’t see it though!
I think an equal allowance is the way to go!

@Blueradiators
no chance in getting her to use vinted! 🥴😉

Yes I think so - it might make dd2 appreciate the value of money when she’s spending her own!

Sorry if I'm blind, but how old are the girls?

A monthly allowance is definitely the way to go. On vinted you can buy designer brands too. Maybe show dd2.

yes exactly, for her birthday dd2 picked a lovely hoodie but it was £80 and dd1 had all sorts of gifts to make that amount! She just doesn’t see it though!

How old is dd2 that she hasn't understood that 1x80 is the same as (e.g.) 8x10?
This sounds like quite a fundamental learning issue (if it's genuine and she's not just making a fuss for the sake of it...?!)

Does dd2 realise she is welcome to adopt dd1's approach, if she is jealous of dd1 and on reflection doesn't like the choices she is making for herself?

Does dd2 actually want/desire the designer clothes and make up for herself, for her own sake, or does she feel she needs them to fit in? Is she perhaps jealous of dd1 feeling freer to make different choices? If dd2 was genuinely delighted with designer hoodies, makeup and expensive trainers, would there be a problem? Maybe it's worth talking through with dd2 whether, on reflection, she'd have preferred her b'day / xmas money to have been spent differently.

We have this between DD’s.
DD1 chose not to go to uni and works and earns pretty well.
DD2 is at uni with everything paid for (by her Dad as per the terms of our divorce), and works part time around this.

DD1 believes she should have the same amount of money given to DD2 for uni and feels very angry about it.

Had she gone to uni she would have recived this support so I can sort of see the basis of the argument but she made her own, different choices.

She also fails to take into account that she lives contribution free in my home. (Which as I earn far less than her Dad who she doesn’t want to live with, is quite a big financial commitment for me).

Im hoping her dad has put a bit aside for her in a pot for uni that she didn’t use and he will gift her it towards a house deposit or something at some point but I’ve no idea if this is the case or not. And I also don’t like her strong sense of entitlement over this.

Up until Now they both had the same amounts of everything and thats how you need to play it with your DD’s. Same allowance, same amount spent at Christmas/birthdays etc but your designer DD needs to realise she will get less bang for her buck with what she is choosing to spend on.

Keep a log of everything you give each girl in a notebook or spreadsheet. When DD2 kicks off show her the numbers and ask her what she feels you did that was unfair.

I used to have a spreadsheet for this very reason as my DD’s would actually count the presents in their stockings at Christmas and kick up if one got one more than the other!

Have you explicitly said to DD2 that she can either have the £80 hoodie or as many little things as she likes to make up that amount?

No we’ve always asked them to write a wish list and said that they will get a certain amount spent on them and will get some of the things on their wish list. The hoodie was on her wish list and was rated as #1 so she got that and a few small token items. Dd1 got the same amount of money but more presents, at the time I explained that dd2 only had a few things due to the cost of the hoodie and she appeared happy.

I had this. The difference is that the one with expensive tastes understood and never would have commented about what their sibling got. They were all grateful for any gift, big or small, expensive or not so expensive.

Dear @Piscofrisco , I am writing a piece for BBC News online about sibling rivalry over money. Would you be willing to talk about your daughters, on or off the record? Please drop me a line: [email protected]

Dear @Debbiedoodle123 , I am writing a piece for BBC News online about sibling rivalry over money. Would you be willing to talk about your daughters, on or off the record? Please drop me a line: [email protected]