Anyone else feel their was little point in trying to keep your kids healthy and safe once they reach the teen age years

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Does anyone feel like it was completely pointless putting so much effort into keep your children healthy, educated and safe once they get to the teen age years. I have 2 dcs aged 19 and 16. Oldest smokes and vapes and has had a drug problem which thankfully he had come out the other side from. The 16 year old is starting to be reckless with drinking, vaping and now refusing to wear suncream even though my dad is receiving palliative care for skin cancer ( squamous cell carcinoma). I just feel so dejected that I tried so hard to make sure they ate so healthily, educated them on the dangers of smoking, drugs and sun and they are both completely sticking 2 fingers up. Dd is currently sunbathing outside in a bikini, telling me the uv is low abd she doesn’t need suncream. Eldest is still in bed after getting drunk last night watching the football - he starts work at 6pm.

These are the hard years
they may well
come out the other side as sensible humans

Oh that must be hard to watch! Mine seems to be living off crisps, biscuits and soft drinks.

I’m hoping that all the keeping healthy etc that we have done for them has given them habits to come back to, once this unhealthy phase is over!

Let them

I think most young people have a mad few years when they gain access to the whole world - alcohol, junk food, vapes etc. - especially if they're earning their own money.

I remember living for the moment at that age with no care for the future.

I think people settle down when they get a bit older or start to feel a bit rubbish after another night of alcohol etc.

At least I hope so (side eyes young adults with deliveroo habits who were up all night consuming too much alcohol)

Honestly think you have clearly taken a poor path as a parent, 16 years old vaping and drinking? Multiple children displaying multiple poor behaviours, parenting is the common denominator here. It’s not enough to teach them about poor choices, they need firm boundaries and discipline, you’re clearly not doing that.

How old are your teenagers @menagerieoaks?

You have teenagers, don’t worry about it. You e set them a good example and educated them. Eventually they will stop.

I think you do the ‘give them roots to grow and wings to fly’ bit as parents and hope they come out of it the other end as decent adults. A lot of teens go a bit mad but end up great.

Yep. My 16 year old son had his prom the other night. Trusted him to go to the after party. Phone call to pick him up from a mate as he was so incapacitated he couldn’t contact me himself. A whole night of no sleep whilst I make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit and that he’s actually breathing.

He’s due to get some fab GCSEs so thought we would let him have some freedom. He was the most pissed out of all of his friends and it wasn’t his first time drinking, he just had to go one extra with the tequila shots.

I am already tired.He does not listen about sun cream either and fries himself in the belief it’s good for his spots.

This is a very naive attitude. Never say never.
Parents of addicts didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

Im 48 and very boring. At 16 I was out raving and taking acid ecstacy speed ...every weekend.. some of the friends I was doing it with are now lawyers /doctors /teachers. We are nearly 50 and all very sensible!

Teens are hard wired by evolution for risk taking behaviour.

I hate the fast food and vape industry for targeting our teens and I certainly dont blame parents.

I think id rather my kids risked their health with recreational drugs its more fun than vaping and eating sweets

Most teens rebel and take risks.

if you’ve built a good foundation they’ll come back to it.

Not anymore. The drugs are different, stronger and much more synthetic. Ketamine is just foul and that’s the biggest trend right now.

They are the hard years. Ime if you try and ‘clamp down’ or criticise at that age it is counterproductive and alienates them. All the good work that you did in the early years isn’t wasted. For example we spent a lot of time and money on good food - and during mid/late teens they would have tried to exist on mug shots and mcdonalds. However I consoled myself that they had good nutrition over many years.
emotionally it is a hard time for you all, it was very hard for me not to ‘tell them off’ at times. However I strongly believe you are playing a bit more of a long game now, trying to navigate the relationships safely through early adult years whilst still having your own boundaries. Some of my boundaries are trying to be quiet after 11pm. Letting parents know if you are staying out overnight. Yours will be different.

Whats the view like from up there on your high horse? Must be lovely that.

Aren’t you just lovely?

I get where you're coming from OP but deal with it differently.

I told them all straight, if they bring drugs (including weed) in the house once then they will get reported, the second time they will get kicked out and not to test that statement. Friends known or suspected to have taken them aren't allowed round and are to be avoided. Drug takers aren't cool and experimental, they are just losers and wasters. All my kids have heard that on repeat since age 12.

Alcohol would get poured down the sink. Vapes would get confiscated and result in hours of me going on and on about health problems and telling them to get a taxi home from A&E when their lungs collapse, till they wish they'd never even seen a vape.

DS is 21 and so far his only crime is drinking Monster. I've told him he might as well drink brake fluid and needs to take responsibility for his health because nobody else can do it for him.

I'll probably still be dishing out bollockings and lectures when they're 40, but those are my rules and they can take them or leave them.

Sounds like their phone contracts need terminating and money being withheld.

Oh bless your heart @menagerieoaks 😂

Show me a teen who doesn't lie, push boundaries, take inexcusably stupid and selfish risks and I'll show you one that hasn't actually learnt how to stand on their own two feet and live.

I think the trick is to let the natural consequences be felt, of course it's massively insulting to smoke while someone is in palliative care, do they have the emotional maturity to understand that - probably not, will they cringe in later life at the completely avoidable hurt they caused - probably.

Alot of the teenage years feels like trusting the process that they go through the final firing of their personality and come out as decent human beings BECAUSE of the years of encouragement, growth and development. So no, it wasn't a waste of time, it's just the scale of life needs more time to frame this chapter.

Completely agree!

DS not so bad - he dabbled with weed but it didn't agree with him ( vomited for hours after smoking a joint) so he never did it again. He got addicted to vaping at 17 but at 20 has given up - after a few failed attempts to do so. He is fairly healthy all round these days.

DD is a whole other issue! She has an auto immune disease and so is immunosuppressed and has to take drugs that make you extra sensitive to the sun.

She gets sun burnt regularly ( ended up in A&E with severe burns once after a day on the beach with her school friends.

Drinks to excess and regularly passes out due to alcohol not agreeing with sertraline.

Has become addicted to body piercing after years of being told it was too risky to even have a second ear piercing with her being immunosuppressed.

Vapes all the time and smokes cigarettes too. I'm pretty sure she has done stronger drugs too.

Is turning 18 in a week and has announced she will be getting tattoos ( again not great if these get infected)

it's so hard to watch and especially as I've spent 6 years trying to keep her healthy after her diagnosis which we only got after she nearly died due to us not being able to get her in front of a doctor due to Covid lockdown. I never want her to get that ill again but she will not look after her health.

I hear you. Both of mine vape. Youngest is not sensible with SPF or wearing a hat despite being very fair with thin hair. Neither of them drink too much as far as I am aware.

But their diets 😫 I do still cook for the family but not every day because they’re not always here and they have their own money from working so order plentiful Deliveroos and drink those awful Monster drinks. I could weep when I think of the hours I’ve spent making nutritious food for them over the years 😫

Eldest is nearly 21 and seems to be coming out the other side. Still vapes but her diet is getting much better and she’s sensible in the sun. Fingers crossed the youngest will follow suit in due course.

To be fair, at their age, I went to the pub 4-5 nights a week and had several pints each time. Also smoked like a chimney. My poor parents must have despaired.

Sadly my parents died way before my DCs hit their teens so I never got a chance to tell my mum and dad that I was sorry for all the worry and frustration I caused them!

They're just rebelling, it's what teenagers do! You've laid the groundwork during their childhood, they will come out the other side and be good people, don't despair. Parenting teenagers is more of a negotiation than a dictatorship as they learn to take responsibility for themselves, they have to make mistakes and learn from them. Keep lines of communication open and try and find something you can enjoy together - shopping & lunch out, watching a show together, exercise class. Show an interest in their lives and don't fall into the habit of just criticising their choices. They may be bigger but they still need you in their corner.

@AngelsWithSilverWings Both of mine got a tattoo as soon as they turned 18, despite my suggesting they take some time to really think about it. Eldest has already got 4, or maybe 5 I can’t remember. In less than three years!

I do quite like tattoos and have two myself but pointed out to her that if she continues at that pace, she’ll be absolutely covered by the time she’s 30 and the chances are she’ll regret at least one of them.

Haha yeah all that agonising over breastfeeding and now they’re necking naggins of vodka. And feckin smoking.

I do think you are enabling this OP by allowing this to happen in your own home. You have - probably unwittingly - contributed to this to some extent by permitting it. Your kids have no respect for you!

The first time I went on holiday without my parents I didn't put on sun cream and got horribly sunburnt. Learnt my lesson!