Son leaving secondary school without friends and I am heartbroken

[SwimmingInSilence]

Last day in high school for my DS today. 5 years in the same school and he leaves with not a single friend, no invitations to leavers parties, no plans for prom. His shirt has been dutifully signed by some teachers and a few of the quiet kids. I have been crying all afternoon and wondering how it's all come to this and what the future holds for him. He's changing school for 6th form and knows a few of the people there already but I am so worried that the same will happen there too.

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions, it's good to hear some positive stories. It's hard not to feel sad but I'm hoping that the new school will be a new start for him. None of his skateboard friends will be there as they're all doing apprenticeships or vocational training but it's a much bigger school than the one he's in currently so I hope it'll be more mixed and easier for him to blend in.

Is he going to a school for 6th form or a 6th form college. We find many children who struggled with friendships in school absolutely thrive when they get to our sixth form college - partially because it is so much bigger - 2,500 students over 2 years compared to 800 over 5 years in the average secondary school round here (we don't have school 6th forms at all).

The size of the college, and the fact that it is new for everyone (even though most will know people from their secondary schools) acts as a huge reset for everyone. Also, there are so many more clubs and activities, which are student-led rather than led by a teacher: if you want to set up some new weird and wacky hobby-based club you just do it. It means kids who are ND, or just not typical teenagers, really get a chance to thrive.

I had no real friends in school, just acquaintances, but I had good friends out of my school. The best day of my life when I left. I made new friends at college and work, I wouldn’t dream of going to any school and reunions.

Don’t worry too much about it, as you say he has friends out of school and is going somewhere else for 6th form.

Thank you xxxx
I needed to hear that today.

I was like this at school, just wandered off with no future plans and hardly a goodbye on my last day and never really saw anybody ever again.

If it helps I'm 46 now and have never struggled for friends my entire adult life! Just because he hasn't found friends there doesn't mean his life will be like that forever, it really doesn't.

You could be describing my son. He was so popular at primary school—sporty, loads of friends, and played for the school football team. But the transition to secondary school was a disaster. He was badly betrayed by his then-BFF right at the start, and then COVID hit. Between the masks and the social distancing, and the closures,he just seemed to shut down. He never made a single new friend at secondary, and his old primary group formed new circles that didn't include him.
It’s been devastating to watch. He begged me not to make him go to his last day of Year 11 and the shirt signing and party and flat-out refused to go to the Prom.
He’s at FE college now and the isolation is continuing. He tells me he has severe social anxiety. He does still belong to a football club, but it seems to be 'functional' only—he plays the game and then comes home. Otherwise, he only socialises online while gaming.
My heart is breaking for him. He’s a lovely, capable boy, he's kind, clever and funny but he’s so lonely. Has anyone else’s DC had their confidence knocked this badly by the 'lockdown years' and friendship betrayals? How can I help him bridge the gap from online friends to 'real life' ones at this age?

It’s heartbreaking. Been there with DD she went on and made friends different 6th form and uni but her 3 friends she has are from work. Id say get a part time job shop or hospitality golf club. He didnt find his tribe but he will. Join as many clubs/sports as possible. It may have to be him inviting the skateboard kids out first. Just try and encourage him. And plan a special end of school family celebration whatever that looks like.
this in between bit my DD did NCS scheme bit like PGL and week of group charity work run by youth worjers. Its well publicised in state secondaries. look into it see of still do the scheme she met lots of people at other local schools and had a good summer but they were the only youngesters she saw that long holiday.

I was a pretty friendless 16-year-old. I was in a bit of a nightmare school year and questioned myself a lot. Hardly anyone signed my shirt and a couple of people wrote snarky comments. But I changed schools for 6th form and it was like night v day - really friendly year group, quickly made a number of very good friends who I still love and had the best time there. They were just more like me (academic 6th form). It’s probably just the wrong group for him. See how he goes among new people in September and try not to both feel too anxious. Enjoy the summer.

Is he confident talking to people? My DS really struggled with friendships when he was younger and experienced some low level bullying, but when he was a bit older (probably around your son's age), he got a bit more confident in talking to decent boys, a bit bolder in asking to hang out at lunch etc. and finally ended up with a solid group of friends. He was never going to be one of the cool kids or get invited to parties, but he found his people, he finally has a social life and they're all going on holiday when they leave school.

I would really encourage him to put some effort in when he goes to 6th form. Strike up conversations with people, watch out for people in lunch breaks etc that he's spoken to and ask if he can join them etc. He has friends outside of school so I very much doubt that he's unlikeable or difficult. I hope he spends time with his other friends over the summer and has a much better experience in 6th form.

It's horrible when your children have things like this that you can’t fix for them. I shed many a tear wondering why my funny, generous, thoughtful boy was being picked on and made fun of (Covid didn’t help, his school wasn’t really open to his year group for most of the first two years of high school).

Make a bit of a fuss of him, plan some nice things over the summer (could he invite a group of other friends over for an evening when prom is on?) and I hope the next chapter is much better!

I think there are a lot of children around 16/17/18 who's social skills and confidence were really harmed by the phase of education they were in when Covid shut down schools. Has he spoken to GP, considered counselling or CBT? My son got a bit of support, it has made a real difference.

Weirdly just had this conversation with a bunch of friends. All their kids ended up going to college and it was a massive difference and the making of them.