Son leaving secondary school without friends and I am heartbroken

[SwimmingInSilence]

Last day in high school for my DS today. 5 years in the same school and he leaves with not a single friend, no invitations to leavers parties, no plans for prom. His shirt has been dutifully signed by some teachers and a few of the quiet kids. I have been crying all afternoon and wondering how it's all come to this and what the future holds for him. He's changing school for 6th form and knows a few of the people there already but I am so worried that the same will happen there too.

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions, it's good to hear some positive stories. It's hard not to feel sad but I'm hoping that the new school will be a new start for him. None of his skateboard friends will be there as they're all doing apprenticeships or vocational training but it's a much bigger school than the one he's in currently so I hope it'll be more mixed and easier for him to blend in.

Is he going to a school for 6th form or a 6th form college. We find many children who struggled with friendships in school absolutely thrive when they get to our sixth form college - partially because it is so much bigger - 2,500 students over 2 years compared to 800 over 5 years in the average secondary school round here (we don't have school 6th forms at all).

The size of the college, and the fact that it is new for everyone (even though most will know people from their secondary schools) acts as a huge reset for everyone. Also, there are so many more clubs and activities, which are student-led rather than led by a teacher: if you want to set up some new weird and wacky hobby-based club you just do it. It means kids who are ND, or just not typical teenagers, really get a chance to thrive.

I had no real friends in school, just acquaintances, but I had good friends out of my school. The best day of my life when I left. I made new friends at college and work, I wouldn’t dream of going to any school and reunions.

Don’t worry too much about it, as you say he has friends out of school and is going somewhere else for 6th form.

Thank you xxxx
I needed to hear that today.

I was like this at school, just wandered off with no future plans and hardly a goodbye on my last day and never really saw anybody ever again.

If it helps I'm 46 now and have never struggled for friends my entire adult life! Just because he hasn't found friends there doesn't mean his life will be like that forever, it really doesn't.

You could be describing my son. He was so popular at primary school—sporty, loads of friends, and played for the school football team. But the transition to secondary school was a disaster. He was badly betrayed by his then-BFF right at the start, and then COVID hit. Between the masks and the social distancing, and the closures,he just seemed to shut down. He never made a single new friend at secondary, and his old primary group formed new circles that didn't include him.
It’s been devastating to watch. He begged me not to make him go to his last day of Year 11 and the shirt signing and party and flat-out refused to go to the Prom.
He’s at FE college now and the isolation is continuing. He tells me he has severe social anxiety. He does still belong to a football club, but it seems to be 'functional' only—he plays the game and then comes home. Otherwise, he only socialises online while gaming.
My heart is breaking for him. He’s a lovely, capable boy, he's kind, clever and funny but he’s so lonely. Has anyone else’s DC had their confidence knocked this badly by the 'lockdown years' and friendship betrayals? How can I help him bridge the gap from online friends to 'real life' ones at this age?

It’s heartbreaking. Been there with DD she went on and made friends different 6th form and uni but her 3 friends she has are from work. Id say get a part time job shop or hospitality golf club. He didnt find his tribe but he will. Join as many clubs/sports as possible. It may have to be him inviting the skateboard kids out first. Just try and encourage him. And plan a special end of school family celebration whatever that looks like.
this in between bit my DD did NCS scheme bit like PGL and week of group charity work run by youth worjers. Its well publicised in state secondaries. look into it see of still do the scheme she met lots of people at other local schools and had a good summer but they were the only youngesters she saw that long holiday.

I was a pretty friendless 16-year-old. I was in a bit of a nightmare school year and questioned myself a lot. Hardly anyone signed my shirt and a couple of people wrote snarky comments. But I changed schools for 6th form and it was like night v day - really friendly year group, quickly made a number of very good friends who I still love and had the best time there. They were just more like me (academic 6th form). It’s probably just the wrong group for him. See how he goes among new people in September and try not to both feel too anxious. Enjoy the summer.

Is he confident talking to people? My DS really struggled with friendships when he was younger and experienced some low level bullying, but when he was a bit older (probably around your son's age), he got a bit more confident in talking to decent boys, a bit bolder in asking to hang out at lunch etc. and finally ended up with a solid group of friends. He was never going to be one of the cool kids or get invited to parties, but he found his people, he finally has a social life and they're all going on holiday when they leave school.

I would really encourage him to put some effort in when he goes to 6th form. Strike up conversations with people, watch out for people in lunch breaks etc that he's spoken to and ask if he can join them etc. He has friends outside of school so I very much doubt that he's unlikeable or difficult. I hope he spends time with his other friends over the summer and has a much better experience in 6th form.

It's horrible when your children have things like this that you can’t fix for them. I shed many a tear wondering why my funny, generous, thoughtful boy was being picked on and made fun of (Covid didn’t help, his school wasn’t really open to his year group for most of the first two years of high school).

Make a bit of a fuss of him, plan some nice things over the summer (could he invite a group of other friends over for an evening when prom is on?) and I hope the next chapter is much better!

I think there are a lot of children around 16/17/18 who's social skills and confidence were really harmed by the phase of education they were in when Covid shut down schools. Has he spoken to GP, considered counselling or CBT? My son got a bit of support, it has made a real difference.

Weirdly just had this conversation with a bunch of friends. All their kids ended up going to college and it was a massive difference and the making of them.

@behindtheclock do you think neurodiversity might be at play ?

I volunteer with autistic children and just do feel thst when friendship issues are a lifelong battle there might be underlying autistic traits. Obviously might not be but worth considering

I also notice you talk about friendship betrayal which seems an unusually child like perspective for an adult to take particularly years down the line
.its normal for chilfren to make new friends at 11...covid will have exacerbated problems like this for the chilfren who struggle more

It's also a ND trait to misread social behaviour and see other chilfren as actively betraying or letting you down when they are just behaving as completely normal kids their age....

I think understanding neurodiversity is the most helpful first step where it's relevant as it really can reduce shame and stress and the yoing person can understand they may always need support or much smaller groups/ to find others who may struggle socially as well

Btw I absolutely don't mean my comment about betrayal to in any way minimise the pain of a child being left out of new friendships by their primary school friends.

It is agonising. For them and for us parents (have been there myself). I just think that not all children would then be unable to make new friends and there may be neurodiversity to explain why they found that part so impossible.

I'm sorry...the end of term experience sounds heartbreaking.

His shirt has been dutifully signed by some teachers and a few of the quiet kids.

Some quiet kids were happy to sign his shirt. It sounds like you/he think they don’t count. Why not? Does he only want to be friends with the popular kids? What is wrong with being friends with the quiet kids?

Your son will be be just fine at his new school. This is a fresh start for him and no one will know anything about him so there will be no known history. He should go in there with his head
held high and just go for it. He will be okay OP.

Don’t worry. I hated high school but I found my best friends at sixth form. I had the time of my life after years of being lonely and bullied at high schoo

Thank you. I appreciate that betrayal is a very strong word, I can't describe it any other way. Right at the start of Year 7, his 'BFF' from primary school ghosted him in a very public, calculated way. He refused to speak to DS and told all the other kids from their primary school that he 'no longer liked him'.This coincided with DS’s grandmother being in a hospice and then passing away in October 2020. It has resulted in a total lack of trust in people and a reluctance to open up and engage. He doesn't feel it is safe to make friends, as in his experience they will let you down badly and hurt you.

I didn't say that quiet kids don't count or make good friends. But everyone else's shirts had lots of signatures, good luck wishes and drawings, my DS only had a few which stood out in the photos.

This is the second thread with mothers being devastated, heartbroken, crying all day.
These reactions seem very OTT

Maybe it is. But I feel desperately sad that my child has spent five years alone and without friends in school, how it has impacted him and how unhappy he has been, and that's why I cried, sadness and feeling sorry for him, but also overwhelming worry and frustration of not being able to help him.

The reality is, a lot of kids don’t actually like some of the popular kids. There are some ‘popular’ kids that have a knack of putting themselves centre first and the other kids go along with it, but don’t necessarily like them.

I know at your son’s age it’s more quantity than quality, but it really is better to have one or two real friends than a dozen fair weather ones. He does have friends but they are not at his school.

My son had friends at his school but when he went to a stand alone 6th form college where he knew no one, he just couldn’t make friends. He was philosophical though and has stuck with his school friends year’s later.

That is awful. Kids are so cruel. When I was young, from about 5-12 I was best friends with a girl, we were so close my mum used to say we were like sisters. She was one year younger than me. Then suddenly, out of the blue, when she started at the same seniors as me, she declared we were no longer friends, she had a new BF. And that was that. A girl who was like my sister dumped me, publicly (in front of her friend, who I can remember was called Jane). This was around 1974 but I can still remember how painful and humiliating that was. We never spoke again even though we were at the same school.

I went to all the parties, shirt signed by loads of people etc , in sports teams and huge group of friends at school. I am only still friends with two of them interestingly both male, one of whom is my husband. The other is my best friend who I grew up with. Life changes so much from 16. I had an entirely different group of friends at 6th form (my school didn't have one and I didn't go to the tech a lot from my school went to) and another group of friends at uni. The uni friends I lived with stuck, I've also made lifelong friends I worked with, my female best friend I worked with for 6 months in a bar when I was 18 and she was 21, I'm now 41 and she's 43 and we're still really close. You say he has friends outside of school. Don't worry he will find his people.

Scholarship or no why keep him in that environment if it wasn't meeting his emotional needs?

Its a school that didn't fit him.socaully and thats crap BUT he is headed to 6th form so it's a new start and new people. That bit of his life is over and now he has a shiny new start to look forward to