Son leaving secondary school without friends and I am heartbroken

[SwimmingInSilence]

Last day in high school for my DS today. 5 years in the same school and he leaves with not a single friend, no invitations to leavers parties, no plans for prom. His shirt has been dutifully signed by some teachers and a few of the quiet kids. I have been crying all afternoon and wondering how it's all come to this and what the future holds for him. He's changing school for 6th form and knows a few of the people there already but I am so worried that the same will happen there too.

Encourage him to keep up with the friends he has outside of school over the summer, and it will be a fresh start at sixth form.
My dd had a pretty rubbish time at school but enjoyed college a lot more. Then started working and has a busy social life now.

I think if he does have friends outside of school then the culture at that particular school probably didn't click with him, nothing he's doing. I think it's great he's getting a fresh start.
From someone who moved around to lots of schools some I had trouble making friends at some and others were fine. I'm glad I had that experience now as hard as it was at the time
as it must be disempowering to spend year after year at a place where you didn't find your tribe, assuming there is something wrong with you. Rather than simpy wrong place wrong time.
Just be super positive and encouraging about this move, getting away from that old school will be great for him.

There honestly is hope OP! A friend of mine's middle child had few friends and was extremely depressed at secondary school. But things gradually and steadily improved at 6th form. He found his crowd and a girlfriend who shared his athletics hobby. His mental health improved immensely and he did a degree and now has the confidence to do his masters abroad. It can happen. Secondary school can be horribly difficult for many absolutely wonderful children.

Encourage him to get out and about during the summer- learning new skills, meeting new people, volunteering- library summer reading scheme etc? Encourage him to build skills and confidence- travel a little bit on his own locally, plan journeys, learn to cook- anything.

Being unpopular is not the same as "not being popular". Not being popular simply means being an outlier to other friendship groups and not having any bessy mates as we call them in Liverpool. I had other girls I was friendly with but my two bessy mates went to a different school. And being one of the swotty academic kids did not greatly endear me to the "mean girls in the class. However then then as now I was very much my own person.

When the teachers filled out my report they were full of praise for my academic progress. Not so much to other aspects. I will always recall that one teacher whom I really respected wrote "Friendly does not mix enough with the other children. Unless she becomes more sociable she is going to find life very hard when she grows up."

My parents were never invested in my school friendships as OP is. I dont think thats a good thing. Its a hard world out there and kids have to learn resilliance.

This was my eldest DD. Started off at secondary with loads of friends transferring from primary then they gradually drifted away. She finished school and A levels without any close friends, but really came into herself at university. She was diagnosed AuDHD as an adult, but she works, has friends, is getting married... school is a long-forgotten time ago.

I would try not to worry. Most adults are not friends with people they went to school with. Most make friends for life in college/uni and work. Just celebrate with him doing what he loves and he can move forward not looking back.

DS was the same till he left school - 7 years, no friends to speak of. Now working and has a group of friends there he really likes.

I disagree completely with others and would suspect that you not having money and so not having quite the same cultural capital might have something to do with it.

Hopefully changing schools will help, but if there are a lot of long standing friendships there it might be difficult to break in. On the other hand he might find his tribe and have a great time. But even if he doesn't it doesn't mean that it won't happen after that as it for DS. School is a very weird, artificial set up in many ways.

Tbh I think it's more normal than you think. School can be tribal and cliquey. It's awful.

Don't sweat it. He'll get there eventually. It changes massively between 16 and 21.

Sixth form is different. DD stayed at the one at her school and has gone from very few friends to loads and the nice thing is she speaks to loads of people she never spoke to before. Everyone just seems to relax a bit more.

Things will be better at sixth I promise you. Xx

💐OP I can feel your understandable anguish.

He needs to and he will find his tribe bless him. We don't all have dozens of friends at school. I certainly didn't. Just one or two. My DC are the same (couple of years older than your DS). My DD worries me as she is quite content with just having her boyfriend as her friend. She finds the girls at sixth form gossipy and immature!

Has he any hobbies? What's he interested in away from the forced, unnatural socialisation that is school?

It’s probably just that he was unlucky enough to be at school with a load of wankers. Joke - but essentially it’s not worth overthinking why he’s not hit it off with many at his school, unless you think there’s something about him that prevents people making friends with him. If he’s clean, pleasant and reasonably able to hold a conversation he’ll make lots of friends at sixth form. It’s another world.

I bet he’s glad secondary is over.

I was same, no friends when I left secondary (long story but a lot of fights as people tried to bully me and lost so it became a game to everyone). I made lots of new friends at sixth form and going out to clubs etc. and they’re still my best friends 40 years later.

Your son just needs to find people with the same interests.

Oh this will potentially make a huge difference. Money based bullying can be a real problem in private school, the schools deny it but it has always happened, it still happens. Being a scholarship kid can cause issues.
Sorry he's had this experience, hopefully the new school will have a healthier culture.

He will find his tribe! 6th form is a great new start for him ❤️

They find themselves in sixth form.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. Your working class son is trying to fit in with a bunch of private school boys.

It’s sometimes just bad luck op- there was a little lad bullied in the school my son went to. He had changed schools from another school he was being bullied in and went straight to the highest class. My son always said they were the worst class ever and had he started the year below with then they’d have all taken him under his wing. Hopefully the new school is better x

Please try not to worry, my nephew only has a few friends at high school and all were girls. He knew at 14 he was gay.

He went to a different college at 16 and made loads of friends of both sexes are all sexualities, now at university and has a boyfriend and tonnes of friends. It took him a while to find his tribe. x

Bless him. Please don’t worry too much. A lot of the kids in secondary school tend to conform to the accepted stereotype to fit in, and clearly your son isn’t one of them. That’s so hard for kids to do and I take my hat off to him being bigger than that. He will find his ‘people’ in college x

My DD had no friends in high school either. She left in 4th year because of bullying. Now she is 18 and absolutely thriving at college with a whole new friendship group. I’ve no idea what happened at school, as she’s such a lovely kind girl. He will find his tribe x

It will be because of the scholarship thing!
Other kids might be judgy and your son may not have been comfortable enough to trust others and form friendships. I’d be confident he’d be more relaxed in state school and friendships will form with young people from similar backgrounds. I hate sounding so ‘unworldly’ but unfortunately by default as humans we like people who are sociodemographically like ourselves?

At my highschool it was down to the heirachy.
You had the "populars" who were always the prettiest/best looking. Usually the biggest bullies, the ones who routinely all smoked/drank/tried drugs and had underage sex.

Then came the "semi's" not the most popular, lower level bullies, not really hassled by anyone else who just kind of existed. Dabbled in sex and some drinking, maybe a bit of weed, and some smoked.

Then the "outcasts" the ones who get bullied, usually for being fat, smart, quiet/loners or not very attractive, or otherwise different, maybe with ND.

People stuck to their tier when it came to friends. Outcasts tended to band together so as to be with somebody rather than nobody, but they weren't really friends, didn't communicate or hang out after school, and went seperate ways once school was over.

College and beyond are much better as they're not mandatory, and are more interest basted, people meet likeminded people and better friendships.

DD is in the same situation, though she's been in a small class in an independent school so a smaller pool of students to make friends with anyway. She had one friend in her previous school who she'd been friends with since primary, but never branched out because she had that safety blanket and they didn't start really talking to other students until just before DD left (we moved end of year 9).

I'm hoping sixth form will be different. She's still in touch with her previous school friend but really needs to make some in-person connections.