Son leaving secondary school without friends and I am heartbroken

[SwimmingInSilence]

Last day in high school for my DS today. 5 years in the same school and he leaves with not a single friend, no invitations to leavers parties, no plans for prom. His shirt has been dutifully signed by some teachers and a few of the quiet kids. I have been crying all afternoon and wondering how it's all come to this and what the future holds for him. He's changing school for 6th form and knows a few of the people there already but I am so worried that the same will happen there too.

He just hasn’t found his people yet. He will.

Is it a very posh private school? My kids went to private (one got a scholarship) and were the ‘poor’ kids compared to their classmates but they both had friendship groups - it wasn’t a very posh private school and was small, which helped.

It hurts deeply when your child is hurt. I truly hope he finds his tribe.

Tell him he will find his feet one day… don’t worry. It’s hard but he’ll be okay with a caring mum!

There is a boy in my y10 form class. He sits by himself and seems to have no friends (despite my encouraging all the nice boys to make an effort with him). He is objectively speaking, the tallest, best looking, best spoken and cleverest boy in the room. Yet none of the kids even notice he is there. It’s very odd.

I didn't have many friends at school, left at 16 & went to college, got kicked out & went back to school sixth form age 17, funnily enough some of the boys who were in my form up to 16 became good friends as did many of the pupils who were in the year below me. Having that year away did me good.

my son is about to sit his A levels so he’s 2 years ahead of yours. He was the same, went to a private school and left with no friends. He counted down the weeks to finish and left to go to a normal college to sit A levels.
he found his tribe. Took a few months, but some point in that first year he had a group of friends that he hung out during the day and would get lunch with. He had people he would sit with in each of his classes.

this year, he goes to parties, goes to their houses to hang out and has even had them over here.
it’s been life changing, he’s never had a friend over for the whole of high school, and would go and sit with the school nurse or in the library for every lunch break.

last month he asked a girl in his English lit class out and now he has a girlfriend that he sees outside of college too.

support him through these exams and he’ll get his fresh start in September

The dynamics at school can be just so weird. I had friends but I was also, separately, horribly bullied by some other girls at the school. It didn’t make any sense but school kids are just bloody shits at times, probably the singularly most abusive group of people outside of a prison.

My eldest was exactly the same. But at university he has flourished...great group of friends and lots of online friends who he also meets in real life. It's hard to watch them suffer unpopularity at school and struggle being left out but it will get better.

Secondary school can be brutal. I had no friends in y11. 6th form (new school) was much better and uni onwards fine. I don’t think there’s anyone wrong with me. Just my face didn’t fit.

@SwimmingInSilence I think you've hit the nail on the head.
Seems more likely than not that snobbery is alive and kicking at the school. Privileged entitled peers looking down on the scholarship kid.
Thank goodness he's not staying for 6th form. Bet you a £1 to a penny he'll find plenty of friends in a less rarefied environment.

I was also like this. Uni and work were better for me.

Sounds like he hasn't found his tribe yet

It's all a learning experience, even though it does sound tough.

My group of friends from school were definitely the oddballs, it takes time to find a good group of friends who perhaps don't fit stereotypes and convention.

Not always a bad thing...

TBH if he's got friends outside school I would be focusing on that. My eldest didn't have many friends and didn't like school but found his tribe at uni.

My youngest is disabled and doesn't really have any friends but he has a hobby that brings him into contact with other people and is close to his sister. I wish he had people his own age to hang out with but I try not to worry about it.

Well, if he's got friends outside school, he's doing better than my ds.

He does game with someone, but since primary, he's brought no one to our house. I'm still friends with the mums of the kids he went to primary with. They're all going to parties and... living. Ds is not.

He's tall, good looking (independently verified!), witty. But he was v weird in early secondary which hasn't helped. It would destroy your social status to admit he's good looking. He also doesn't do small talk and won't bend in his views. He can be hard work in conversation, if you just want to shoot the breeze and he wants you to deeply care about ai or Americsn politics or whatever.

Other kids will say hi to him if he ever leaves the house, but no one chooses to be with him.

I think he's beginning to want to socialise, but doesn't quite know how to do it.

I'm hoping 6th form college will allow him to start again. He reminds me of a uni friend I'm still friends with. I both loved and thought said friend was a dick in uni. His late autism diagnosis explained a lot. But we were all part of the same gang of weirdos in uni.

My son was like this at high school. He found his tribe at 6th form college, he then did a BTEC at another college as his a-levels results weren’t great, made more friends there and is happy at uni, don’t despair,

I think this is your answer. He's alienated from the rest of them because you aren't as wealthy as them. As simple as that. I've seen this with my single parent friend who strived to send her girl to a paid for school. All her friends went to the Carribbean for the summer where she stayed at home. Awful. She left school with no exams as she had gone off the rails by then

That’s horrible - but I agree that it’s probably because he’s a scholarship boy. They probably all have parents who know each other, go on similar hols, do shared hobbies etc.

I would recommend a PT job - DD has come out of her shell in 6th form after starting a job in a restaurant.

Are the skater lads going to the same 6th form? Fingers crossed he can move on and socialise with them once he starts there.

He will find his tribe.
Just like many of us did.

The fact that he has friends out of school means he can do it. Is he a high achiever at school? I just went into work mode in class and so didn’t really make friends in my class, just out of class.

I’m just wondering if the scholarship set him apart and maybe he didn’t join in quite enough? Did he do extra activities like clubs and sports? What about a less popular GCSE with a smaller class? Maybe he needs to get more involved and that might be a lot easier at a state 6th form. Try and check out what’s available at the new school that he can join. Having a bit of fun outside lessons always breaks the ice and other dc will be new too.

My son didn’t have a prom, he went to a single sex school and the boys voted against having one. My son didn’t really gel with many of the boys at secondary school and he hasn’t kept in touch with anyone- he found a part time job and moved to a different secondary school for 6th form, he now goes to uni and has made a wide group of friends so is always out either at uni, work or socialising.

My DD was super popular at primary school with sleepovers etc. she hit puberty and high school and everything changed. All her peers moved on to boys, make-up etc and she still liked teddies and games. She was diagnosed autistic. She went through the whole of high school with no friends. She didn't go to prom. She moved to 6th form but unfortunately had the same experience there. She kind of resigned herself to it. She went in every day and did enjoy her lessons. At 6th form breaks are slightly easier as there is usually somewhere quiet to go and everyone is on a different schedule so it's not as painful as breaks at high school for kids in their own.
She came away with some excellent GCSE and A level results and we were so proud of her.
She really needed a break after 6 form so has taken a couple of years out. She has really blossomed as an adult and finds it easier to speak to people and enjoys going out. She's starting uni this year and is so excited for it. I am sure uni will be a totally different experience for her as she's doing a subject where I'm sure she'll finally meet some like minded people.

School can be hard for some kids for all sorts of reasons but gives no indication how your son will get on as he becomes an adult. It's so hard to see them go through it at the time and I totally understand how you feel x

Skater kids are few and far between, perfectly
normal for them not to fit in mainstream school because they ain’t mainstream kids. The pick me brats in most schools are scared of people who know their true identity at that age as it amplifies the fact that they haven’t figured theirs out, or aren’t brave enough to show it. He can clearly make friends in the right space, there’s no issue. Celebrate him getting away from such a small minded bunch and the fact you don’t need to worry about him getting someone pregnant at a party

Dd left year 11 with no friends at school. Moved school for sixth form and was the most popular girl at that school. There is hope. But if he has friends outside of school that shows there’s nothing wrong with him. It could be a wealth thing and it’s a private school. Is it smaller than most state schools? He’s a bit alternative being a skater, he just needs to find more kids like him or kids that aren’t scared by someone being different (which is more likely as he gets older).

That was me until I went into 6th form. A loner, happy with my own company but didn't really 'get' or understand the friend thing at all.

Felt more comfortable and accepted when I started work but only really ever had a small number of people I call, and mean, friends. Never been interested in pubs, clubs, drinking and curry nights so it tended to limit my options in my work world.

If he's got friends outside school, that really good. My son went to Uni amongst many well to do kids, he's a state school kid like me, and was shunned for not being part of that world. He found his people in due course, and now recently married.
For me, it's always been about having a small circle of trusted friends and if he has that outside school, stick with that. It works for many.

It's not about numbers, it's about them being genuine connections.