AIBU for being irked by parents opposing the idea of board for OLDER teenagers?

[mumofthree1986]

My newly 17y/o unemployed DS who just dropped out of college (he seems to be studying at his placement and they rang me up and mentioned that he attended a career and apprenticeship event, but he has no GCSES, no CV, ect...) was recently moved from a typical plan for a child in care to a semi independent plan. Instead of his money being managed for him he receives a little over £70 a week. He was stressed about this a few weeks ago but last week he broke down his costs and budgeting when we came to visit (I'm very proud of his money management , I realise that I was holding him back from independance and coddling him when he lived with me, I'm grateful that they gave him a push), but he has to give £15 a week board at the end of each week.

As far as I know his placement manager and social worker intend for that money to be returned to him at 18 / or when he comes back but it made me think. If this is an 'official' plan for a teenager in care (they say that it's standard and not unusual for LAC his age) then why do other parents seem to be opposed to charging 16 / 17 yr olds rent. There's a possibility that he's coming back home in a few months, potentially just before 18 and I would also likely charge him board.

I know situations vary but I don't see why some people are so against the idea. Especially if its a tiny sum and especially if the teenager is lazy.. All of children are different but he's had some mental health difficulties and past trauma but not enough that he's far beyond the normal range of development for a 17 Yr old. My younger brother ( my oldest niece is 12 y/o , not an older teenager, mind you) has been raising an eyebrow when I mention charging DS board when he comes back to him. Then again I wonder if it's influenced by culture.

AIBU for being irked by this

I don't charge ds26 or ds21 board. Ds26 works full time, but is saving for a new car as his is giving up slowly. Ds21 is at uni, so I and his ddad give him extra money on top of his loans and also pay his bills each month. I'm a single parent, and earn 48k so not a huge amount. My parents never charged me board as I moved out when I was pregnant and in 6th form so became self reliant. My dc will always have a home with me and I will never change them for staying here. My ddad has just died and I've inherited his house. The plan is that I'll renovate it and ds26 will move in and then he will have to pay a small amount of rent each month whilst he also saves for his own place.

Why is he in care? It’s a completely different situation to a child living in a family home.

I’ve never charged my daughter anything to live in her own home, whether she’s been studying, during university holidays, or when she’s been working. She and her husband lived with us for a year or so recently and, because they eat a completely different diet to us and there was very little food that I could get for them with our weekly shop, they bought most of their own food. But apart from that it didn’t really cost us any more to have them living with us, and it never crossed my mind to ask them for any money.

He was violent. I understand that the situation is different

They are deceased now. Remember this was 50 odd years ago and things were very different. Many working class people struggled, no top ups for those on low incomes etc. Youngsters who were working were expected to contribute to the household.
My parents were children in WW2 and knew what real hardship was. How did we know this? Because they never stopped bloody banging on about how us kids should be grateful for every crumb we were given.
I would say I had a complicated relationship with my parents until I had my own children. They mellowed considerably in their older years 😆😆

I always paid rent from the second I started pt work aged 15 but personally I think they’ll have worries and bills for long enough and now with cost of living g insanity I think it’s better they save

My parents never charged board or lodging. But I paid for as much of my own spending as I could - clothes, transport, socialising, books etc, as soon as I was earning money at about 12 or so. Obviously more later! That was just a matter of pride and of realising they had other financial demands (and other children).

I don't think charging board is right or wrong, so long as you aren't being exploitative, but I think that bringing up children with good financial habits can be done in many ways.

Seeing my parents put us first when they made financial decisions, going shopping with them and calculating costs, being encouraged to save in my moneybox, hearing them explain interest rates and phone bills, the occasional "no", or "only as a birthday present" or "when you've shown you can look after it etc" all helped me with the value of money.

Because until 18 they are children and my responsibility

I wouldn’t charge board for dc who are studying or not in a proper job, but we don’t need the money and all dc are very sensible with money, in fact dsd asked me if I knew about investments the other day.

I know. Shocking!

This, ops sons ended up in care and she’s giving out parenting advice?

Because I don’t need to. My DD is self financing her uni education - I pay her phone that’s it. She’s very frugal and works over the summers and is doing a paid internship next term. Me charging her rent seems odd as I can afford to pay for her food etc while home. My son lives in a property I own and I don’t charge him rent. He’s in a minimum wage job and pays all his bills - I don’t give him anything other than relieve him of having to pay rent. He tried sharing but his mental health really deteriorated and this is how I can help him. He’s 22 just starting out and his budgeting could be better (he the opposite of his sister and likes to spend), but he manages ok, though I notice it’s steak after pay day and then pasta at the end of the month! While both work hard and know the value of money I’m happy to help out how I can.

I've just checked and that would be c£150 now.

So, on the same percentages:

Board: £70
Savings: £52.50
Spend: £25

I think it's tight. I think I'd go £50 board, £50 save, £50 spend. To feel fairer.

So, with yours £3 board, £3 save, £2.50 spend.

Ideally I agree this should be the case for most children-but a lot of parents are remembering how easy it was for them to have a part-time job when they were in their teens (obviously then, people could leave school at 16 so it could be FT).
But now getting a job is not as easy (yes, some still do, but friend/family teens often struggle, including the really bright, very outgoing ones). Plus the government has shut so many sixth forms, meaning that in my area, if you can't drive, it would take you over an hour to get to the nearest college. So that limits their chance of jobs, too.

You don't need to pay board to your parents to understand about bills. Everyone knows that bills have to be paid. Budgets are simple to do, but we're not good at teaching kids HOW to not go over budget once they fly the nest and actually have to track it all. Just simple stuff like having a separate account for bills and paying into it straight after payday, or putting a few quid a month in to a savings account just in case there's an unexpected expense, or putting a bit away each month for xmas etc. so they don't have to use credit. Giving kids good advice on managing it all is far more valuable than taking a single nominal amount out of their income once a week for board.

Unless I need it I won’t be charging rent. My older two are saving for a house and my youngest is still in education. They pay towards groceries ( older two) but not a fixed amount eg buy loo roll and snacks and cheese etc for the household that we need but from their money same as we buy stuff for the household that we all use.
They know how to manage money , managed their grants and n the case of our youngest she managed her pocket money . ( £70 a month ) plus she has a Saturday job.
taking money away to just give it back to them is not paying board, it’s saving for them rather than teaching them to save for themselves .