AIBU for being irked by parents opposing the idea of board for OLDER teenagers?

[mumofthree1986]

My newly 17y/o unemployed DS who just dropped out of college (he seems to be studying at his placement and they rang me up and mentioned that he attended a career and apprenticeship event, but he has no GCSES, no CV, ect...) was recently moved from a typical plan for a child in care to a semi independent plan. Instead of his money being managed for him he receives a little over £70 a week. He was stressed about this a few weeks ago but last week he broke down his costs and budgeting when we came to visit (I'm very proud of his money management , I realise that I was holding him back from independance and coddling him when he lived with me, I'm grateful that they gave him a push), but he has to give £15 a week board at the end of each week.

As far as I know his placement manager and social worker intend for that money to be returned to him at 18 / or when he comes back but it made me think. If this is an 'official' plan for a teenager in care (they say that it's standard and not unusual for LAC his age) then why do other parents seem to be opposed to charging 16 / 17 yr olds rent. There's a possibility that he's coming back home in a few months, potentially just before 18 and I would also likely charge him board.

I know situations vary but I don't see why some people are so against the idea. Especially if its a tiny sum and especially if the teenager is lazy.. All of children are different but he's had some mental health difficulties and past trauma but not enough that he's far beyond the normal range of development for a 17 Yr old. My younger brother ( my oldest niece is 12 y/o , not an older teenager, mind you) has been raising an eyebrow when I mention charging DS board when he comes back to him. Then again I wonder if it's influenced by culture.

AIBU for being irked by this

It would be amazing if this could happen, I think we are still a long way from it unfortunately.

I started a holiday job age 13, pot washing in a hotel, my brother (2 years older) also worked at the same hotel.
This was 50 odd years ago when child labour laws didnt attract too much scrutiny.
My wage was £8.50 a week and this is how it was broken down:
£4 board
£3 in my savings
£1.50 for my spends.
Similar for my brother although he was a porter so was paid a bit more.
I was gutted. £1.50 for a weeks hard labour in a kitchen. Yes the £3 was in my savings bank but I wasnt allowed to touch it.
My parents would give Fagin a run for his money 😵‍💫😵‍💫

My mum charged me rent. Even when I didn’t yet have a job and had claimed job seekers. She didn’t put it in a savings account for me either because she couldn’t afford to. Once I left full time education and no longer got the council tax discount, I had to pay something. It by no means covered all my bills at my mum’s. My mum also made it clear to me, if I wasn’t in full time education I was paying rent, whether I had a job or not.

When people make it a moral failing that some people charge young people rent they completely gloss over the fact that some people have no choice. I plan on charging DC board when they are old enough. I hope to be in the position that I can save it but otherwise they will learn that bills need to be paid first and foremost. The conditions will be the same that if they’re not in full time education, they’ll be expected to contribute financially.

I think it makes sense if you’re low income and need an extra adult to contribute to food etc.

however I wouldn’t feel comfortable profiting off my child. My job is to support them not take from them.

Crikey. They charged board at 13?!?!?!

Do what you think is right for the situation nothing to do eith what others do. Everyone is different and entitled to their opinion.

100%

My dad (the breadwinner) passed when I was 16 and my mum couldn't speak English and didn't have any qualifications in the country. She couldn't drive or work. I (and later on my siblings) had to step up and contribute. I was already working but it was part time & for extra clothes and makeup but I had to take things seriously after our loss. There was a point where almost all of my money went to her and I don't regret helping her at all. My only regret is that we were in that situation but there's no resentment.

Thank god I'm doing alright financially but I'm also going to charge my eldest board when he comes back, same with my.youngest when she's 16 / 17. Obviously not to the degree I had to pay up when I was younger and i'm on the fence about putting it in a savings account (his placement is doing that, but if i were to do that id make.it a surprise and i wouldnt tell him so it'd be a nice gift when he leaves home while also teaching responsibility without the promise of getting money back..) but he Will contribute something at least

YABU to be irked that parents choose not to take money from DC.

It depends on the family, on the child and how tight money is.
I would never take money from mine but they were taught financial management and were very responsible with money. They were fully supported through uni and there was a period after when they were back home working and saving up. We didn't need the money and wanted to help them save up to be independent. They will always have a home here if they need it.
If they had been feckless or entitled I might have reconsidered.
I can't fathom the usual MN trope that "my parents never helped me so I plan to treat my children the same".

A child in care has much greater challenges than one living with family and I would not begrudge them a penny.

Why is he not working or in education, what is he doing all day long?

As with so many threads on Mumsnet I’m always surprised at how adamant posters are about this type of thing. A lot of posters seem so dogmatic.
My kids are late 20s and early 30s and Ive never charged them for board, in fact we still give them a monthly allowance, pay their phones and take them on paid-for holidays etc despite the fact they all earn well. I’m sure some posters would explode with outrage over that.
I do this with my kids as I can, I want to and because it suits my kids. I also do it because it’s excellent tax planning. My kids have always been very sensible and mature with money - there was no need for me to teach them to budget or anything like that.
If I wanted to use the money for something else or if my kids were the teeniest bit bratty or lazy I obviously wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t feel the least bit guilty if I had to charge my kids though.

I am sorry if I gave the impression that this applied to all young care leavers. What I meant was that the outcomes for this cohort as a whole are worse than for others, but I know this wouldn't apply to every individual. So it's important to think about what kind of support can mitigate that - which is what this measure sounds like.

Hope that is clearer and genuinely sorry for any offence.

Indeed they did. And also bragged to anyone who would listen that me and my brother had paid the years rates bill between us 🤐

What kind of a relationship do you have with them Now?!

At a guess I would say OP is on benefits and sees this as a way to increase her weekly money.

I’m happy to be corrected though @mumofthree1986

Most teens are not earning well enough to take money from them, I certainly would think poorly of anyone “charging” a full time student of 16 with no job money. I suspect rather than incentivizing a 16 yr old to find work they might think it better to not. after all you can’t get blood from stone. at that age you want positive life experiences and paying your parents isn’t positive.
your sons situation is rather unique. sounds like potentially a difficult future.

Something feels off about this whole post, like the OP is trying to rile people up.

That’s my concern about OPs post too, why is OP focused on charging board? That seems to be a strange thing to be prioritising.
What about focusing on getting him some qualifications, and his mental health in a good place, and welcoming him back home?
He obviously not in a good place right now and this isn’t exactly helping him up the ladder.

Sounds like this is a pretty catastrophic situation

and the op is chewing the fat about charging board to her 17 yr old

very odd

Some people frame it as "I would never want to make money off my kids" which I dont agree is the right way to look at it.

Charging board is teaching them living costs, bills need paying before all else and only then can you spend whats left on fun stuff. I am thinking of one woman in particular who was never charged board and lived at home until her late twenties, when she rented she was evicted twice for non payment of rent and has several CCJs. She simply couldnt get the idea that bills are non negotiable until she was absolutely fucked and had to go on a DMP, no one had taught her!

Save it by all means if you can afford to (although many families cant afford that these days) but I think the best thing you can do is to charge them board, its an important life lesson.

I feel like I read a similar thread to this one last year….