AIBU for being irked by parents opposing the idea of board for OLDER teenagers?

[mumofthree1986]

My newly 17y/o unemployed DS who just dropped out of college (he seems to be studying at his placement and they rang me up and mentioned that he attended a career and apprenticeship event, but he has no GCSES, no CV, ect...) was recently moved from a typical plan for a child in care to a semi independent plan. Instead of his money being managed for him he receives a little over £70 a week. He was stressed about this a few weeks ago but last week he broke down his costs and budgeting when we came to visit (I'm very proud of his money management , I realise that I was holding him back from independance and coddling him when he lived with me, I'm grateful that they gave him a push), but he has to give £15 a week board at the end of each week.

As far as I know his placement manager and social worker intend for that money to be returned to him at 18 / or when he comes back but it made me think. If this is an 'official' plan for a teenager in care (they say that it's standard and not unusual for LAC his age) then why do other parents seem to be opposed to charging 16 / 17 yr olds rent. There's a possibility that he's coming back home in a few months, potentially just before 18 and I would also likely charge him board.

I know situations vary but I don't see why some people are so against the idea. Especially if its a tiny sum and especially if the teenager is lazy.. All of children are different but he's had some mental health difficulties and past trauma but not enough that he's far beyond the normal range of development for a 17 Yr old. My younger brother ( my oldest niece is 12 y/o , not an older teenager, mind you) has been raising an eyebrow when I mention charging DS board when he comes back to him. Then again I wonder if it's influenced by culture.

AIBU for being irked by this

I don't see why you are irked by it. It's just a difference of opinion and approach. My 20yo dd is at uni, and 17yo ds will be next year. I don't see any point in making them pay board. They will already be learning to manage their finances by budgeting how they spend the money they get from their student loan and from us (as the loan by no means covers everything). What's the point in them paying us and us paying them? It's just handing money back and forth!

My DC didn't have much money pre 18. They were in college full time. We paid for everything. I don't know many of their friends who were paying for their own phone, bus, lunches, toiletries, driving lessons, etc.
We pay them, it would be pointless giving them an extra £15 to take it back to save to give back to them later anyway.
Where does all this money come from that your DC has per week?

I believe that if an older teen or young adult is in full time education, it’s my job as a parent to support them financially. If they leave education, they need to have a plan to support themselves. We do our children no favors by making them think that they can enter the world without skills and be comfortable.

I presume it is more important for children in care to demonstrate these skills as late teens because so many of them will face a cliff edge and not get much help from anyone after 18?

Whereas, realistically, parents know if they won't be supporting late teen / young adult children or offering lodging for a while after 18, and most do. So they don't need to focus on preparing their child to cope alone to the same extent.

Young people in care don't have great outcomes. Learning this skill and practising it this early may mitigate that. But it's a measure of inequality that they need it at that point, and not really a pattern other parents would need to follow in many cases.

Why would you charge board for a kid in full time education? Especially if they are not earning anything and are studying hard.

some older teens can get a part time job but my dd was disabled and found it hard enough studying.

My 3 DD are in their 20s working and I have never charged rent. They are saving hard to move out. I can't see it being for a while yet as its so expensive to buy.

My parents never charged me rent even when I had to go back after a divorce. This allowed me to save for a new mortgage.
I Will never charge my daughter rent. This Will always be her home. I don't think I am right or you are wrong. It is just another way of doing things.

Lots of things happen to children in care that aren't good, or acceptable even or we wouldn't want for our children. It's not really a strong baseline is it.

Make sure the money gets returned to him, I've heard so many cases where the young person never sees it again..

You think you were holding your son back from independence by having him in your care?

£55 to cover food, clothes, travel, phone and other basics even when everything else is covered is very little. And may be a contributory factor in him dropping out.

I'm glad you're proud of him but this post isn't really about what you think it is. How much are you thinking of charging him when he comes home? I hope it's not more than £15 at least? And I don't think implying he is lazy is the way to rebuild your relationship.

I always charged my kids “rent” even when they had weekend jobs. It was a tiny amount but it got them used to knowing bills had to be paid first and foremost. I saved it and they all got a lump sum when they left home to help with deposits etc. I’m not saying my way is correct - just what I did

Sorry I think we need for info, he’s your CHILD! He’s been in care so clearly has suffered a lot of trauma I’d be doing all I could to support him as much as I could!!

I think it depends on the situation. My sister and I were not charged while in FT education, but when my sister moved back for a bit a few years later, Mum did charge her a bit, as she was working- she actually put it into a savings account for my sister, as she was not as good as your son at budgeting. Mum didn't tell my sister she was doing this, just that she was a working adult and needed to contribute- that was also true, as my parents were not well off. Mind you, Mum always made it clear that other than uni vacations, we were not expected to live at home once we were 18 and left school. (I felt very wanted...) Parents are generally more supportive.

Some family incomes are low and need everyone who can contribute to do so. Others are not. Young people who are in FT education won't be able to earn much money to be able to pay. If they're working they should. Whether that is a peppercorn rent or fair market rate will depend on what seems fair. In some families, the money will be needed for household bills, in others it can be saved. Plus some young people are good at budgeting and saving, and others aren't, so this can envourage them to learn more financial management (or maybe just develop resentment...) So no two situations are the same, and what's right for one child/family/situation won't be for another.

My mum charged me £15 a week too! To be fair she did help out with my own houses along the way with helping pay Chunks of our mortgage. I think budgeting from the get go is never a bad thing, x% to rent y% for savings z% for utilities / food etc - good life skills

Many young people in care have great outcomes.

Care experienced young people are not a comparison for young people living at home, the £15 will be a service charge. Many supported accommodation provisions have this to try and prepare them for the world of paying utilities, this will come a lot sooner than it does for most young people.

Yes, and that's great, and I'm sure OP and others are doing everything they can to support this young person.

Unfortunately though a lot of them struggle, especially in young adult years, because they don't necessarily retain a connection with foster carers the way most children do with their parents after 18. I'm not judging or predicting at all - just saying that the LA needs to make no assumptions that they'll have support later, and to prepare them for this. So to me it is clear why they would put this training in place early.

I have worked with care leavers as part of my job and sadly many are quite alone in the world at quite a young age.

I don't think I'd charge someone who has literally no job and is under 18 board.

Though I'd expect their allowance to cover most food, phone, going out, car (I wouldn't buy them one) toiletries etc and he needs to do own cleaning, laundry and help around the house.

Once they were working full time then I'd stop or reduce allowance (if apprentice I might still give some) and hope they'd pay board at that stage.

This is assuming they hopefully would either be working or in vocation/education by 18.

I am a bit confused by this whole situation. Is your DS earning the £70 a week? If he is studying then I assume it’s benefits being given to him because he is in a semi-independent placement so needs to buy things for himself - toiletries, phone, travel money etc. Those are the kinds of things a parent would usually provide if they had a child in full time education.

I haven’t charged my 16 - 17 - 18 olds board because they are studying and not working full-time. Currently I want them to focus on getting qualifications so that they can get a decent job. They do a bit of part time work but I have encouraged them to save that towards a car / house deposit etc.

When they start earning more and if they want to live at home that would be different.

I think we should be trying to move the experiences of children in care closer to the experiences of those who live with their families, not the other way round.

Honestly I respect this view, I suppose I'm only irked when it's parents looking down at other parents for considering it

I think it’s very dependent on the family situation.

If the family as a whole is struggling for money and the older teen has left school and is in employment and has an income then learning to pay their way is something that is useful. (and can also help the wider family).

if the teens are still in school / university I wouldn’t expect it.

I’m very aware how care experienced young people can struggle, the original statement was generalising.

he's not earning, they're giving him this.

Fair enough to not charge kids working full time.. I think some parents would consider charging a small fee if they're earning a certain amount from part time work (if its more so a weekend job with very short hours that's another thing..) but it's up to the parent at the end of the day