I can't understand why I'm hurting so much about sons breakup

[PeacheyPeach]

I've already posted about my sons breakup in the AIBU section about my sons breakup. Regarding how to handle him and I know that all I can do is be there for him
But I need to just get my feelings out in here because I am devastated for him and I can't understand why it feels like I'm the one going through it
So my son has been in a 4 yr relationship with now ex gf and she broke up with him on Monday. He is heartbroken as to be expected because he absolutely loves her and this is his first love,
Hes not left his room other than to come down in the middle of the night to get something to eat, we have been talking with him but obviously nothing we can say is going to make him feel better at this moment.
What I can't get a handle on is what is wrong with me, I am not a crier ever, but I literally can't stop crying, I have this sick anxious feeling in my stomach and I keep thinking about all the things and moments he is going to not have with her like they had planned.
I know I need to get a grip, that this is nothing to do with me, but I feel so so sad for him.
He has ADHD and we have had issues with him growing up and I would say he has always been my most complex child. So when he met his GF it brought out another side to him and he was really happy, I think properly happy for the first time in his life. And now I'm seeing how sad he is and I'm just devastated, I'm literally just writing this down to just clear my head,
Has anyone else experienced this or is this just me absolutely totally overreacting.
Btw he hasn't seen me crying in not putting any of my feelings on to him

Oh this is really sad so I'm not one bit surprised you are feeling so terrible.

It's a kind of grief for the whole family when you lose someone you all came to love.

Be gentle with yourselves and the passage of time will gradually help

It will take time for him to recover and as he recovers so will you
I don't know how old he is but you must encourage him to go to school, work, college or whatever he should be doing all day. Staying in his room is not helping him or you

@toffeeappleturnip thank you for being kind x .I feel like I'm feeling his pain, and I'm so shocked at myself for how I'm feeling, Im just so sad that my boy has to navigate this heartbreak,
@OldJohn
You're right he does need to be back at work, he needs to be in a routine but there was just no way he could have gone in this week, that's making me feel so sad as well that everyone is getting on with their lives and he is devastated in his bedroom,
I know time will be his healer but seeing how everything he's loved for four years has gone it's so incredibly hard to ever see him getting through this.
I know I sound dramatic and I'm fuming at myself for being so ridiculous I just need to stop crying as it's not about me

You feel so sad because you care so much. It’s always sad when your child is suffering.
Time will be the healer in this case. He’s lucky to have you x

I think you've got loads to unpick here.
Is your reaction tied in with your worries for his future?
Are you reliving a bad breakup you experienced a while ago?
I think its worth unpacking as I don't believe this is a normal reaction to a child's break up.

I was shocked how upset I was when my DS and his GF broke up, similar length relationship and he was 22 when they broke up. I missed her as a person as we had got on so well and it was horrible seeing him so upset. Two years down the line and he is thriving. He had a lot of friends who supported him, just try and distract a bit and listen when he wants to talk.

I think sometimes we are just especially empathic and feel the feelings of the people closest to us when they tell us something big has happened that deeply affects them.

This has happened to me, different relation and different feeling. But I was very surprised, I don’t usually feel this way but I was very very strongly feeling the kind of feeling they said they were. It was just a strong family bond. Not related to trauma (it was a positive feeling) and not something I usually feel although I’ve always got on with them. I just sometimes empathise really a lot. I think this is just the same for you as you are so sad for your son.

Not much you can do unfortunately except be there for him as you have been. You’re not strange for having strong feelings, just sympathising a lot with your son. You’re allowed to feel sad too.

@dairydebris I'm worried slightly about his future as all his plans were wrapped up with her, so now it's all going to be different for him, so that upsets me for him, I know that now he just has to take on different things and do things for himself, but he's young and I'm sure he will find out what he needs to do
I've not had any recent break ups, happily married for decades! But I do remember being heartbroken and all the chaos and loneliness and sadness that came with it, so maybe I'm worried he's going to experience this and I hate that he might go through this

Our middle DD ended a 4 year relationship and thankfully came back home. It broke my heart seeing her so low, she really was on the floor for a few months but gradually she came out the other side. And truthfully I was desperately sad at losing her BF who we'd come to love and treat as family. It was however 100% the right decision for her and she's now engaged to a lovely man who treats her how she deserves to be treated.

Just keep a close eye on him and try to offer distraction when you can.

@CharSiu it's awful isn't it I can't believe how I'm feeling and reacting to it, I love that your son has come out the other side now, and yes i do think having friends around will help him even to take his mind off it, altho they are both in the same friendship group so this could get tricky,

@MrsLizzieDarcy thank you x I'm glad your daughter got through it and has become happier even than she was before x
I am keeping an eye on him , popping in to his room to check on him , just the sight of him is killing me inside, he's so bright and funny usually and he is just so low and dead behind the eyes I can't bear it x he will be at work next week so hopefully he will be a lot least distracted in the day and then get a good night's sleep

@SynthEsjs thank you x you sound like a good friend to have in your corner if you feel both happy and sad for your friends ❤️
I'm not usually such an emotional person if I'm honest so feeling such emotion for him has taken me by surprise! My DH is flabbergasted at me I think!

Oh OP my mum is going through something similar. SIL left DB out of the blue in the autumn and seems to have had a total personality transplant at the same time. My mum cried for days after my brother told her - sad for him, sad for the children, sad for herself that we had a lovely extended family where everyone got on and now it has changed, sad for the relationship she had had with her. Confused about her behaviour and doubting everything over the last 10 years.

She is still sad - the divorce process is drawn out and painful and STB ex SIL is making my brother’s life hell. I’m quite worried about it tbh as they are still living together but that’s another thread. It’s hard and nobody likes change.

I commented on your other thread. It’s understandable you’re feeling it too, it’s your child and we always feel hurt for our kids, how can we not. The thing that’s stood out to me in this thread though is the comment about all his future plans being wrapped up in her. That’s really not normal or healthy for anyone, especially at 19. At some point he will get over her and move on, we all do, but he needs to learn that a partner isn’t his everything. He should also have plans that don’t include her, plans and future things with friends or family, and he absolutely should be doing things for himself even if he’s in a relationship. I’m wondering if perhaps she felt too suffocated in the relationship and that’s part of why she ended it?

They say you're only as happy as your unhappiest child no? I don't think you need to get too deep, it's sad because something that made him happy and was good for him has ended.

But have some perspective, 4 years at a young age is a good run, and it was unlikely and probably undesirable for it to go the distance as first love, so it doesn't mean he won't meet someone else and be happy in future. There's a better match for him somewhere.

@SilverPink I know it was to much to soon for them both, we have always tried to encourage him to not be settling down as he was far to young, we've always encouraged him to have his own interests which now we will have to try and get him to have again
They were both very much into these future plans, but things change don't they and im not surprised. I very much respect her decision and understand, I don't feel any ill will towards her for ending this, she is a lovely girl and is very focused on what she wants and so she should,

@LayaM I know, we all have gone through something like this when we are younger, and it's hard and we get through it,
I know all this and usually I'm the voice of reason for everyone, which is why I' don't understand why I'm acting so out of character, it's ridiculous.

My response would depend on his age. I’ve not become invested in any of my kids girlfriends/boyfriends, irrespective of how long it lasts. I work on the basis it can’t last forever, which is a good thing as I don’t believe it’s healthy at all at a young age. I’m polite, and if DH and I decide to go out for dinner with an open invite, we extend it to anyone who is over at the time, but we wouldn’t specifically invite a girlfriend/boyfriend anywhere in advance. Once they get to around 28yo I’ll take a personal interest in girlfriends/boyfriends at that time if it looks like it’s becoming serious, but until then there is just a superficial politeness really which I think is healthier.

Seems normal to me. You love your son. He is desperately sad about something you have no power to help with and having gone through similar you know that time is the only thing that will help.

i know this is crass but with my last break up 15 odd years ago what actually helped was to have sex with other people. Honestly I know I’ll get jumped on for saying that but it sticks in my mind as something that actually did help me. I moped for a bit then just got back out there on the dating scene. When he starts to lift himself up a bit and get back into a routine suggest he thinks about very lightly dating. No pressure. No seriousness. Just silliness and fun.

@HoppingPavlova I didn't get invested in their relationship for the first few years because they were so young, it's been probably the last year that she became close to the family, the younger siblings have really been close to her, shopping trips and everything Im sad that they have invested her because I know they are going to miss her, Its a lesson for us all I suppose, don't become to involved x

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast getting out and having fun I'm sure will come in time, just don't want him spiralling into chaos!

Aw, it sounds like you and him are close. You're probably going through all this with him, like a lot of mums tend to do. It is a big thing when it's your first love. I'll be exact same when it's my son!! 🥲

I’m sure you are also gravely concerned about his mental health too and having got two sons myself, I feel that.

Any good friends you can quietly reach out to and see the if you can get him talking and snapping back into a world outside his bedroom?

How old is he?

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast I heard him talking to one of his friends last night on the phone but I could hear him putting a brave face on as boys/men do, I'm hoping that he opens up a bit more to them as the weeks go on,