I can't understand why I'm hurting so much about sons breakup

[PeacheyPeach]

I've already posted about my sons breakup in the AIBU section about my sons breakup. Regarding how to handle him and I know that all I can do is be there for him
But I need to just get my feelings out in here because I am devastated for him and I can't understand why it feels like I'm the one going through it
So my son has been in a 4 yr relationship with now ex gf and she broke up with him on Monday. He is heartbroken as to be expected because he absolutely loves her and this is his first love,
Hes not left his room other than to come down in the middle of the night to get something to eat, we have been talking with him but obviously nothing we can say is going to make him feel better at this moment.
What I can't get a handle on is what is wrong with me, I am not a crier ever, but I literally can't stop crying, I have this sick anxious feeling in my stomach and I keep thinking about all the things and moments he is going to not have with her like they had planned.
I know I need to get a grip, that this is nothing to do with me, but I feel so so sad for him.
He has ADHD and we have had issues with him growing up and I would say he has always been my most complex child. So when he met his GF it brought out another side to him and he was really happy, I think properly happy for the first time in his life. And now I'm seeing how sad he is and I'm just devastated, I'm literally just writing this down to just clear my head,
Has anyone else experienced this or is this just me absolutely totally overreacting.
Btw he hasn't seen me crying in not putting any of my feelings on to him

I carry you heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

@firstofallimadelight that's beautiful and true

Ive just come across this post and can totally relate to your situation as this was me 5 years ago. My son was devastated when his 'first love' split up with him after 4 years together. Hearing him howl with grief was heartbreaking. I was so concerned about his MH that i paid for him to have sessions with a counsellor. This was during Covid so the sessions were conducted via zoom. It was the best thing that happened to him! Now he can say that she literally saved his life as he seriously felt like ending it. I felt hopeless at the time as he waa in such a dark place. It affected me so bad that i had to take time off work. I thought i was going to lose him and will never forget that pain and fear. Now, he is in a great relationship with a girl he met in India on his travels, and is thriving. I hope your son finds his way OP.

Howl with grief? Really?

All I can say is that he will get over it. I also think you need to be positive and let him know it’s not the end of his world and he will move on. I think your feelings are ridiculous especially crying all the time over the things he won’t do with her. What you’ve got to understand is that the relationship wasn’t right for her. He will meet someone else and he will move on.

@Ljzjta I totally agree, I know I've been ridiculous which is why I've been so shocked at myself as I would never expect to have reacted to this in this way!

We have been having some good talks this week and he is actually really level headed about it, he's incredibly sad but he understands why it's happened and also he knows that even tho it's the pits he will get through it, he said this himself, I worry about when he sees her it's going to be awful for him but this is something that he has to deal with,

My ds1 was 26 when he broke up with his gf who I adored. I couldn’t understand why he’d done it. She was heartbroken. I sat in my car in the Tesco car park and cried. It was like having a little daughter ripped away from me. We kept in touch. Fast forward 12 years and she’s happily settled now with a baby as is my son, with another lovely girl who is much more suited to him. Be there for your son if he needs you. Give it time. That’s all you can do. It’ll be ok in the end x

@Elvisismycat I'm so glad your son came through it, and now is in a great place,

You must have been so worried about him especially with regards to his mental health, and how he did feel like giving up, no wonder you had to take time off it must have been a horrible time. Love that he went travelling aswell,
I think from the moment we are pregnant we go into protective mode and we do everything we can to protect them from hurting themselves, so to then get to this part of their life were we can't protect them and it's out of my control is horrible! It's their own journey and life lessons and they navigate this themselves, but its really hard to see them so sad

@Whosthetabbynow thank you, you're totally right, it will take time but he just like everyone who goes through heartbreak will get through it , I'm so glad that your son met someone lovely and his ex has also met someone and is settled, it's all part of life isn't it xxx

It is unfortunately. We grow and learn and it shapes our character. Without the bad times we wouldn’t appreciate the good. He’ll be fine ❤️

I was exactly the same over dd's break-up and she also has ADHD. We do feel our children's pain vicariously, so it does hurt us too. Also, with an ND child we step in all the time to help them live normal lives (at least I always have done) but this is something you really can't help with. You have got to give everyone some time. A symptom of ADHD is rejection sensitivity, so his pain is ginormous, but it won't last forever and he needs you to be there for him when he is ready. Cry, get it out of your system. I am sure that ex-GF was also someone who you connected with in that she was also a person who supported him and loved him for who he is, good and bad, so you have lost that too. Just give it time.

@mugglewump thank you x yes I think subconsciously we try and protect them from themselves almost,
Yes we are just here offering support when he needs it and a listening ear, and just like all you lovely ladies have said he will through time will get through this horrible period and hopefully will have learned some lessons about life and also himself xxx

@mugglewump hope your daughter is doing ok aswell

@PeacheyPeach sounds like you are doing him a lot of good right now. I think some of the posters have forgotten how awful it is when someone breaks up with you (you think your own heart might break) and also that when you are a kind, loving person, you also extend that out to other people who become part of your family, even if that is for a limited time- that includes girlfriends and boyfriends, even if you don't feel the same for them as you do for your own children.

You posted in shock yourself, and because the shock of his emotions was big. You are already helping him on the way to emotional maturity by being there for him, listening, being responsive, and checking he's ok. I would do this for a friend who broke up, let alone my own child.

My only tip is going forward, keep being welcoming and loving towards partners, but protect your own heart a little and leave yourself reserves to keep caring for your children. You are a great mum and your son is learning good lessons about life, loss, coping (it's common not to cope well after breakups, at all ages!)

"You're only as happy as your unhappiest child"
Such a true saying!

@Springspringspringagain thank you so much for your lovely words xxx
You wouldn't wish this kind of hurt on anyone would you, I hate it for him, yes we just have to keep talking when he wants, making sure he knows he has self worth as that's taken a bit of a battering.
I will definitely be keeping future gfs at arms length!!!

@Lizzbear so true isn't it

I remember reading when I had my first child 20+ years ago that motherhood is walking around with your heart on the outside of your body. And it is! You let your heart out into the world, in all its vulnerability, with no control over what happens to it when you have kids.

They are you, and their pain is your pain.

Even as adults.

Obviously some things will affect you more deeply than others, but the breakup of a long and serious relationship is going to hurt them, so it hurts you too. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you and your boy.

Hi OP, I dont think youre unreasonable to find this upsetting and difficult! Of course you feel terrible seeing your child heartbroken. Just remind yourself that although it feels so intense, it is temporary. We all remember how awful our first love and first breakup was, but he will be ok. All you can do is keep supporting him, listen to him if he wants to talk and encourage him to get out and about when hes ready (seeing friends, exercising etc.) This has really brought back memories of my university boyfriend breaking up with me after 4 years- I was absolutely catatonic and slept in my mums bed for a week crying my eyes out. Needless to say many years later I am happily married and the main thing I remember is my mum being there for me (not the boy in question!) Xxx

@SnowflakeSmasher86 thank you for my hug!! You are so right about their pain being ours, and the vulnerability, we can't do anything about this other than being there for them when they are hurting, oh but if only I could take it away from him , id wear it like a coat if I could!

@Rubes24 oh your mum sounds like an absolute sweet heart the way she looked after you xxx she nurtered you didn't she, and that's all we can do, is just be supportive and keep feeding them!!
Most of us have gone through this and I know that altho it's the worst we get over this, so I know that in time he is going to heal from it, just wish he didn't have to!!