I can't understand why I'm hurting so much about sons breakup

[PeacheyPeach]

I've already posted about my sons breakup in the AIBU section about my sons breakup. Regarding how to handle him and I know that all I can do is be there for him
But I need to just get my feelings out in here because I am devastated for him and I can't understand why it feels like I'm the one going through it
So my son has been in a 4 yr relationship with now ex gf and she broke up with him on Monday. He is heartbroken as to be expected because he absolutely loves her and this is his first love,
Hes not left his room other than to come down in the middle of the night to get something to eat, we have been talking with him but obviously nothing we can say is going to make him feel better at this moment.
What I can't get a handle on is what is wrong with me, I am not a crier ever, but I literally can't stop crying, I have this sick anxious feeling in my stomach and I keep thinking about all the things and moments he is going to not have with her like they had planned.
I know I need to get a grip, that this is nothing to do with me, but I feel so so sad for him.
He has ADHD and we have had issues with him growing up and I would say he has always been my most complex child. So when he met his GF it brought out another side to him and he was really happy, I think properly happy for the first time in his life. And now I'm seeing how sad he is and I'm just devastated, I'm literally just writing this down to just clear my head,
Has anyone else experienced this or is this just me absolutely totally overreacting.
Btw he hasn't seen me crying in not putting any of my feelings on to him

@TeaBiscuitsNaptime I wish that he was small again and I could keep him safe from everything but that is just ridiculous I know!!

@Talkingtomyhouseplants your poor DB , a breakdown of a marriage with children that's just so sad, the whole family dynamics totally changing, I'm really sorry that you are all going through this, if I'm feeling like this then your poor DM must be really going through it x the thank you for reaching out to me and being kind xx

When your child hurts, so do you.

Sometimes it's a worse pain because you cant make it better for them when every bone in your body wants to pick them up and protect them and fix everything.

Your son will get over it. So will you. But right now, it's OK for you to be sad and hurting too.

@TheRealLillyAllenVerifiedAccount thank you xx
I wish I could protect him from this but that's unrealistic,

With the greatest and utmost respect to you, you need to be a rock for a child like this, not a quivering mess. You need to get a grip.

I haven't experienced exactly this yet but I do experience feeling my teenager's pain (depression, disappointments of one type or another) as if it's my own. I think it's normal and understandable - but it isn't your pain. You have to go and do something else and trust them to get through it themselves. Check in on him obviously but you have to distract yourself and live your own life because this isn't your life and I think that's part of the process of letting go and having them grow up. I'm not saying it's easy or that you're doing it wrong but I think you have to make the effort not to focus on his pain as if it's your own -- it isn't.

Apparently he’s 19

@NerrSnerr yes he's 19 x so coming into Adulthood really now x

It hurts to see your child rejected or hurt whatever their age.

I felt the same when my son went through it. He was besotted with the girl and she treated him appallingly. It was obvious to me but not to him that she was making excuses not to see him. Strung him along all through uni so he spent three years going to meet her instead of making new friends. Then she dumped him in the middle of his finals.

I spent many hours listening to him and was careful not to criticise her. He bounced back after a few weeks.

@LoyalMember you are totally right which is why I wrote all this because I know I need to get a grip
@Poppingby I know it's his pain which is why I'm struggling to understand why I'm feeling so badly 😭

You knew this girl for 4 years too, sounds like you lost a daughter figure too? Imagined grandchildren?

@confusedbydating I just know how much he loves her, and how happy and content he was, and I think I could see them having a future so maybe I imagined a life for them,
Which now in hindsight was silly of me,

Do you know what caused the falling out?

It’s not silly, it shows how kind you are that you accepted this girl into your family, and now circumstances outside your control means she’s gone. I think that’s incredibly human and not something to be ashamed of. Lots of women would give anything for a mother in law like that. He’ll find a new girlfriend eventually and hopefully this time it will be the right one

You are in pain because he is in pain. Cliche but we are never happier than our least happy child.

I was shocked at th edepth of my hatred for DS1's first live who broke up with him callously. Less angered by DS2's first love, as I could see why it ended, but still felt like a lion wanting to protect her cub.

All I can suggest is that you tell him: no one gets through life without some really awful times and this is one of yours. Be as kind to yourself as possible. Allow yourself as many nice things as you can to help you while you deal with the pain.

After a few days encourage him to focus on other aspects of life - any physical goals or creative goals - doing a PB run or swim, or writing a song and recording it or whatever his interests are - these can help get through. And going out with friends if he has a close group.

I remember DS2 surfacing after a couple of days and disappearing into the bathroom with a neck deep hot bath, a tub of Ben and Jerrys and his favourite comedy running on his laptop on top of the washing basket. Then he started working out and casual OLD - just meeting for coffees and walks. I admired his attitude. It still took months for him to get over her, but I could see he was doing it in the healthiest way possible for him at the time, and that helped me worry less.

@confusedbydating thank you that's so kind of you ❤️ I think I will be a lot more cautious next time xx

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. It's difficult when we accept people into our family circle, over time feel affection and even love for them and then all of a sudden they are not there. It's ok to be sad...but I would say, I've always protected my own heart with my children's boyfriends, I tend to treat them very much like 'the boyfriend' and not as an additional child if you like as I've seen people do this and very much be hurt then when that relationship breaks up. Ultimately, you are his mum first, take his side and see the other person as a nice person but not where your affection lies. That's how I've approached it.

@Springspringspringagain yes that's very good advice, Im wasn't so close to her myself just that I could see how happy she made our son and I loved that for him it was lovely to see, so I don't feel that sad about not seeing her , although I will be strange her not being her every weekend but its definitely made me think I will be perhaps no so inviting to the next one 😂 😂

I agree with the above! Try if you can to take a step back op and look at this more objectively so you can be strong for your ds. Your son is young. Although devastating for him now, this will probably turn out to be a good thing in the long term as he will learn from the experience, And eventually he will meet someone who suits him better. It’s not personal, she could have been the right person at the wrong time. Through discomfort comes growth and maturity and all of that… .

Speaking as the mother of a neurodiverse YA, who is sensitive to rejection, you are naturally identifying rather too closely with the emotional pain he is experiencing.

Also, you said you were confused as to why your feelings are so strong in this situation; are you familiar with the term alexithymia? There is a very strong genetic component when it comes to neurodiversity after all!

And not saying this is the case in your particular circumstances, but have you considered that part of your reaction might be a little bit selfish, or self-protective, in the most understandable and nicest possible way, because you have been there through all of your son’s struggles and provided a scaffold, and believe me, I know how tough that can be, and you finally thought he was on his way and “launched” and now he has split up with his gf, you might subconsciously feel more responsible once again for his emotional wellbeing. And sorry to be blunt, but sometimes the weight of that can feel heavy, however much you love your adult child. 💐

@Tonissister great advice thank you xxxx
and it's good to know I'm not completely unhinged in feeling upset!
We have had another chat this afternoon, tempted him out of his room with a MacDonald's! Talked a little bit about how he can go forward and what things he can do to keep busy, he seems to be quite up for trying different things so that is good,

@Weighuptherisks589 I think you might be right there x

@Weighuptherisks589 I think subconsciously there was a bit of relief on my part that he had someone who he actually didn't act up with and was on his way to being settled in life 😞

@MatildaMas it's good that' your son bounced back, especially after it wasn't just a quick fling but an actual relationship, but the poor love right in the middle of his finals 😭 but yes it's so important that we don't criticize the ex as that just makes things worse doesn't it,

Op - would it help to try and see this as a moment of growth for him rather than 'suffering'.

I have a neurodiverse child and I know that feeling of being absolutely distraught when things go wrong for them - your heart just walks around with them because they are that bit more vulnerable than other young people.

So you feel devestated to see him 'suffer' - but what if this isn't actually bad?

I am 48 - when I was 22 I had my heart absolutely broken - I was deeply in love and my BF left me for someone else - I remember the pain still today - it was like a genuine heart attack for months - my chest actually throbbed with pain, it took me a very long time to get over it.

But - now - 25 years later - I can see my life has moved in the direction it was meant to.

I learnt a huge amount from that relationship and from the heartbreak!

I'm glad I went through the painful parts of my life - they have made me who I am today

Try to reassuyre yourself that later in life this heartbreak will be something he thinks of as a learning curve - not something that 'ruined ' his life.

@waterrat you are so right, thank you for your lovely reply
infact my DH said the same thing to me before aswell, that instead of focusing on the negative just concentrate on getting him through this and that I'm time if he chooses he will meet the right one for him.

I was like you and went through this at 21-22 it was an awful time and it did change me but I've been happily married for years so it didn't ruin me!!