Unhappy nearly 15 year old (shared parenting)

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I split with ex a year ago. My Ds was almost 18 and decided to live with me. It was agreed that she would be with me from Fri to Tues morning and the rest at her dad's and with me for the most part in the holidays. This works ok for me and him but it isn't working for her. She gets more and more upset going there, says it's disgusting, he has no washing machine so it's me who washes her clothes, refuses to shower there as it's so disgusting and hasn't even provided shower gel, supplies no sanitary ware and has bought her no clothes. He gets half the child benefit for this level of care. My DD has sent a message to him to say she doesn't want to stay there and he's guilt tripped her and says he has a legal right (which is correct as she's nearly 15 so still a minor) and is mentioning court. I had her for 5 weeks out of 6 last summer and because he took her on holiday, he was expecting half the child benefit for August, I told him to jog on and blocked him. Oh and he also decided to get a job at the same place I have worked for 10 years. Any advice, as I'm really stressed about this?

At her age she can definitely decide not to stay at his anymore, he cannot make her come and stay. He can try taking it to court but I can't imagine a judge would force her, especially since he can't even provide the basics for her to keep herself clean with clean clothes.

Thanks for your reply. I feel awful to do this to her but I want her to take pictures of the filth, the empty wardrobe just as proof because he's so sneaky and conniving he'll worm his way out of it.

The clothes are separate, but you could justifiably say you will keep all the child benefit and provide all clothes and also toiletries. The cleanliness of his house and him is a different story, if it’s really grim then she shouldn’t have to go but I’d also be wanting to refer him to social services, is he mentally unwell?

That could potentially be useful if you think he will try and force it through court, but I really don't think it's needed. This is assuming you are a normal parent with a safe home for her to stay in. If you are running a cannabis farm in your loft and a brothel from your front room then yes, her dad might be seen as the only somewhat stable option, but I really doubt that is the case.

I don't think it's quite social services disgusting. My dds probably comparing it to his it was when I lived there and the cleanliness of my home at present (which isn't pristine but an acceptable form of cleanliness). He claims depression and always has an excuse for everything. He claims he works long hours (20) with maybe a shift or two extra and hasn't got time to clean but he was jobless for 3 months and the house was still a shit hole. Is anyone really that busy that they can't put 5 minutes aside to clean a toilet?

I think another problem is that I feel guilty because I've created the problem by leaving. But I couldn't stay with him any longer and stayed a lot longer than I wanted.

Is she 17 or 15 ? Or do you have an older son who doesn’t see his dad? The opening bit of your post is confusing. Whatever though, she is old enough that a court won’t make her stay there. So let her stop. Don’t bother with the photos as she doesn’t need to prove anything. If her dad is working 20
hour shifts etc he could pay a cleaner. It sounds like he’s just a lazy and entitled arsehole.

At 15 if it were to go to court and your daughter said she didn’t want to go then they would listen to her “the voice of the child” and not make her go - my friends son doesn’t have to go he refused nothing the dad can do about it.

Any advice, as I'm really stressed about this?

Stop making her go. Sorry to be harsh but what the heck is wrong with you sending her to a dirty, neglectful house?

My ds is almost 19 now and my DD is 15 in April. He doesn't work 20 hour shifts, hes on a 20 hour per week contract and maybe picks up a couple more shifts a week. The shifts are no longer than a normal working day but different time slots if that makes sense?

Agree. Stop making her go. If her dad takes it to court the court will take her wishes very strongly into account at her age. She doesn't need to go any more.

As for your work, do you have to see him when you're there? Sounds like he's not got much staying power anyway so he probably won't be there long. But I would really hate that too.

Did it go to court, can I ask?

I doubt anyone can make her go if she doesn't want to. In fact, it's almost impossible to make a 15 year old do something! You could let him go to court, I don't think anything will come of it.

She needs to stay with you all the time, from now on. The courts will only care about what she wants.

This is not correct.

the child has a right to see both parents and have a relationship with both of them.

at the point that a child is able to express reasoned opinions (usually about 13) if they express that they do not want to see one parent the court will not make them.

if one parent is abusive or neglectful the detriment to the child is generally considered worse than the detriment of not having a relationship with a parent.

in other words your ex does not have a legal right to see his kids and if he tries to enforce it through a court he will get nowhere and waste a lot of money.

There’s no way a court will force a 15 yo to stay at her dad’s when she has expressed a preference for her mum’s. That doesn’t happen.

I agree with you but as I said above I feel guilty for creating this situation in the first place and in turn he's guilt tripping her. I would gladly have her living with me f/t and he could see her whenever he wanted to.

It's her decision though and doesn't mean they can't have a relationship. She doesn't need to be staying overnight for that. I would just tell him that and leave it at that.

My understanding is if she doesn’t want to go then he could make a court application but by the time it reaches any type of hearing it will be a few months’ away. Provided she is allowed to see him if she wanted to (and that very much sounds the case) then her voice would take precedence.

Aside from that, why does he receive half child benefit if you are main carer? It sounds like you are main carer/have the outgoings. If anything he should be paying child maintenance since she is with you more nights.

No court would force her to go, and by the time it got there she’d likely be 16 anyway. Don’t force her, listen to her she’s a young person at school and struggling with an aspect of her home life.
I’ve been through the court system many years ago and even the at 15 she’d have been listened too so let him try it he won’t get very far ( and let school know)

You shouldn't blame yourself for the breakup but you must support your child now. She doesn't want to stay with her dad and she shouldn't be forced to. Suggest she sees him daytime or evenings and sleeps at home.

She doesn't need evidence. She doesn't want to go, end of conversation. He can't take his teenage daughter to court and force her to visit him.

He thinks he's entitled to half as he has her half the week. I buy her clothes, wash her clothes, she showers at mine, take and pick her up from school on the days i have her using my petrol, buy her personal care items. He even refused to pick her up from her friend's house five miles away a couple of weeks back when she was on his watch. And he also gets his tidy 25% council tax discount and wanted her registered here.

If he went down the court route, would it cost me money as well?

Just stop sending her. Courts listen to the voice of the child from about 11.

If he takes you to court (he won’t) it won’t cost you anything and he’ll be wasting his money.