Unhappy nearly 15 year old (shared parenting)

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I split with ex a year ago. My Ds was almost 18 and decided to live with me. It was agreed that she would be with me from Fri to Tues morning and the rest at her dad's and with me for the most part in the holidays. This works ok for me and him but it isn't working for her. She gets more and more upset going there, says it's disgusting, he has no washing machine so it's me who washes her clothes, refuses to shower there as it's so disgusting and hasn't even provided shower gel, supplies no sanitary ware and has bought her no clothes. He gets half the child benefit for this level of care. My DD has sent a message to him to say she doesn't want to stay there and he's guilt tripped her and says he has a legal right (which is correct as she's nearly 15 so still a minor) and is mentioning court. I had her for 5 weeks out of 6 last summer and because he took her on holiday, he was expecting half the child benefit for August, I told him to jog on and blocked him. Oh and he also decided to get a job at the same place I have worked for 10 years. Any advice, as I'm really stressed about this?

Only if you felt the need for legal representation.
This is such a clear case that there would be no need.

Oh that's ok then, thank you.

You’d probably benefit because the court will listen to her and if she’s with you most of the time you have no requirement to share child benefit and can claim child support from her hardworking dad.

But that's not all on you. I would assume that had he been kind, respectful, considerate and fun you wouldn't have left. You can also look at it as he created this situation by not being a good partner.

Yes this.

How many times do we see women on this board staying when we can see they need to go?

It won’t cost you a thing as in a case like this you wont need legal representation. Encourage her to see her dad but don’t force her to stay. He won’t get far with court and will likely alienate her more by doing that so just support your daughter and do what’s in her best interests. He may turn nasty or manipulative but stand firm with her. Good luck

Hes not entitled to child benefit unless he’s spending the equivalent on your daughter which it doesn’t sound like he is. Stop sending him half. If he tried to make a counter claim it wouldn’t be entertained.

I've just gone into my daughter's room and she's in tears, I've read her messages to him saying she doesn't want to stay. He's now saying his mummy's going to pay for a solicitor to be involved. I've just looked and the age is 16 but court may take into account a child from 12/13?

@OneGreyBiscuit Look if he can’t even be bothered to provide the basics it doesn’t sound like he’d be bothered or could afford to take you to court.

His mummy's going to pay and use her solicitor

Yes, and at 15 her opinion will matter much more than his. Honestly, don't even worry about it. Let his mum waste all the money she wants dragging this through court. She cannot be physically forced to go and stay with him as long as she has a safe and suitable home with you.

After recently receiving legal advice about visitation they advised me there is no right for a parent to see their child but there is a right for a child to have a relationship with their parent. if your daughter wants to change contact then that will be taken into consideration. From what I understand from the process so far he will be advised to try going through mediation first, he can’t just run straight to the courts.

Just let him go to court.
Tell dd it is no problem, since the court will ask her view
She can just say what she told you no place to wash clothes etc she can be explicit if she gets her period at dad s she cannot wash clothes etc
By the time it gets to court she will ve close to 16 and there will not be any enforcement.
In meantime encourage her to speak to oastoral care at school
She can offer to meet dad outside for a walk or go to cafe

Stop sending her. Let her make decisions for herself.

If he takes you to court, fine, let him. He'll lose. Stop giving him any child benefit, tell him it's been spent on sanitary products, shampoo and her clothes/shoes.

And incidentally, I work full time plus have my ds full time and have managed to keep my loo spotless. 20 hours is laughable. He's a dirty, lazy freeloading git.

reassure her very firmly that she no longer has to go if she doesn’t want to.

Then, be clear and affirming with her that her dad should not be sharing information about solicitors and forcing her, and that that is emotionally manipulative and inappropriate. No soft-soaping, girls in particular need clear information about bully boy men even if it is their father.

If you’re in the UK, there is no magical age of 16 when children have to stay with their other parent until. And absolutely stop giving him half the child benefit.

Is her address down on all records as yours? If not, change that pronto. You don’t want this tool making an erroneous application to the CMS.

At 15 she does not need to go. It’s up to him to find a relationship that works for both of them. Not you IMO. Tell him she’s decided not to go and that he is welcome to arrange to take her out for dinner etc what ever she is comfortable with. No court will force a 15 year old to go to another parents.

The court welfare officer listened to my 5 year old.

Yes it went to family court and the child said no and it was respected
I was under the impression that from 13/15 it’s their choice??

He wont listen to her, so court it is. In the messages I sent him he said to say the place is filthy is slander. Apparently the washing machine does work but he's so exhausted after an 8 hour shift he takes it to his mum's. Attached is a picture of the bin, this is his idea of clean.

Thanks for replying, from what I've been reading it's 16.

Maybe it’s decided on a “case by case basis” depending on individual circumstances?

I think it might be as I was told they may want to speak with my daughter who is 11. She wouldn’t be required to go to court but cafcass might speak with her in a neutral location.

It’s not 16. It’s the age they are deemed mature enough to make a sensible balanced decision. Usually from around 13.

Absolutely no court will make her go.
Firstly going to family court is expensive - there is pretty much no legal aid now. Do you really think he will pay 10/15k on family court proceedings if he can't buy shower gel & tampons?
Also, once she is able to express her opinions she will choose where she wants to be and the court are very unlikely to interfere with that.
She could leave home next year so they're unlikely to force her to be anywhere for a year. Also the court backlogs are so that it probably wouldn't even be heard by then.
Stop making her go or you're going to damage your relationship with her. Encourage her to have a relationship with her father but that does not mean she has to spend half the week there.

My dad made zero effort with me as a child and I stopped going at 11/12 basically as soon as I got to secondary school. My mum encouraged me but I refused. He did go back to court (more over wanting to pay less if he wasn't seeing me) and was told that he should still be paying towards me but had no right to force me spend every other weekend there.

Ultimately if your ex wants a relationship with your daughter then he will have to make an effort to build that and maintain it.

Be the parent she needs and stop putting her in a shitty situation because of your guilt.

None of us on here can 100% guarantee anything but it's hugely, hugely unlikely that the court will force a 15 yr old to go anywhere. Honestly. It would be so unusual.