Daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter wants her BF to sleep over, in the same bed. My hubby and I are against it. She said everyone (her friends) sleeps over at their BF/GF. They are 19 so they're adults but I just don't feel its right. Im not religious, so its not that, but something doesn't sit well for me. Am I overreacting? When did/would you let your adult kids have a BF/GF sleep over?
Also, to consider is her 14 year old sister in the next room...

It's your house.

They are adults. You’re being ridiculous.

Yes, you are overreacting. I'd far rather they can be honest and feel comfortable with having their partners over than not.

Obviously, this doesnt apply to a string of 1 night stands, but you refer to him as her boyfriend.

Trust the young adult you have raised.

You haven't said how long they've been together.

My only issue is her 14 year old sister in the next room.

She is 19 - if she wants to have sex she is going to. Ban her from having her boyfriend stay and this will leave her with the choice of only having sex at his house, or in cars or outside ... which puts her in a more vulnerable position so in my opinion I would be trying to find a solution for her to stay at home.

I'd put up noise proofing panels on the shared wall.

They are 19. You are being really unfair on her. Yes it is your house, but it’s her home too. They’re not going to be making loads of noise are they. At 19 I’m surprised she’s even asking you.

Well as you say, they are adults. I'd personally be fine with it. They're a bit too young to be affording hotels and it's a bit unfair if they spend all their overnight time at his family's house.

Obviously tell them to be respectful and not wake people up etc.

But if you are totally anti the idea then it is your house. I just think at that age it is a reasonable request. Well it would be a bit younger than that too.

I think the first time in your house is always a bit strange. If it's a long term relationship, more than 6 months, at that age I would agree to it as long as they are quite discreet!

If you don't want him to then don't. It won't kill them. From personal experience it'll happen somewhere else is all.

Surely the fact consenting adults enter into relationships isn’t a secret carefully hidden from your 14 year old?

Obviously it’s your house. Your adult daughter is free to spend her time elsewhere, or move out, if the conditions at home no longer suit her. Is that what you and your husband would prefer?

I think you'll have to do a bit more thinking than “something doesn't sit well for me.”

Presumably you’re ok about adults having sexual relationships?. Is it that you don’t want to know anyone other than you is doing it under your roof?

Is it that you’ve never before had to deal with the fact that your child is now a sexual being? Your 14 year old will learn a lot from your approach to sexuality.

Unless you want her to leave in the near future let him sleep over, and be really nice to him. When my niece, at a similar age, had what my sister considered to be a totally unsuitable boyfriend, I gave this advice to my sister. If the boyfriend ends up being a long term partner/husband he will remember your kindness. If he is not suitable for your daughter, chatting and being nice to him will show your daughter what he is really like, and you will not be blamed if they break up. I can't see what harm it will do your younger daughter to know that her sister shares a bed with her boyfriend.

I see your point OP. It's not about being adults or not, it's just the ick of people sh*gging under your roof. I've had this with an au pair who had her boyfriend stay. He was a lovely chap, they'd been together years, were both consenting adults but... yuk. And yes, we could hear. It's quite hard to put that genie back in the bottle after the event.

Anything from 16-17 onwards would be okay with me. They would have to be incredibly discreet and aware of younger sibling

If you are uncomfortable, imagine how uncomfortable your younger daughter will feel.
It also puts pressure on their relationship.
Why can't your DD, at 19, be renting her own place?

We allow my DSD (18) BF to stay over, it’s her house too and we want them to be comfortable and feel part of the family. we’d rather be involved and get to know him as a person and see how he treats her when his guard’s down and relaxed/had a drink etc.
She stays at his house too so it’s only fair - he’s not allowed to stay at her mums house so as a result we see her more.
i will say I’m not sure who was more awkward when I bumped to him in his boxers the 1st time as he wasn’t expecting me to up at that time .. now he’ll make them both a coffee in his boxers without care in the world! 😂🙈

If it's a long term relationship I don't get the issue. You are coming across as prudish. When would be okay with you? When they are engaged? Married?

Hi Everyone

Thank so much for your response, its great seeing other perspectives. All very valid and welcomed. 😊 I reckon it is just "the ick" and its weird because we're all very open about everything in our house, if anything we probably all overshare and a couple of naughty jokes here and there.
Wish I could shake thus feeling, as you're right, she's an adult, she needs her space and all.
I'll keep reading your message as a form of affirmations 🤣hopefully they become my own thoughts.

Thanks again, nice to have a supportive group 🥰

She Is an adult. If she is paying rent, then she is paying her way and should have some freedom to bring her boyfriend to stay. I think it's quite ridiculous to be honest. She is not a child.

I’d be ok with 19 year olds

Your house. Your rules. Just say no. That’s what I did.

Right up until I moved out at 23 my bf had to sleep in the spare room. Was never allowed to sleep with my bf while I lived under my parents roof. It's your house, your rules, if you are not comfortable letting them sleep together regardless of being over the age of consent then put your foot down. Say you are happy for him to stay just not in her bed, that's what my parents said.

Your only real objection is that it makes you feel icky to know that your adult daughter might have an adult life and do adult things, so I think YABVU.

She's 19! Of course she's going to want to share a bed with her boyfriend, because she's a grown woman and that's a normal thing for a grown woman to do.

As for your objection that she has a 14-year-old sister in the next room, I grew up with siblings considerably older than me and I certainly wasn't traumatised by my sister's boyfriend staying over. She got married when I was 14 and I think he started staying over when I was about 9 or 10. I never heard anything and I never thought anything of it.

All three points here are weird and mad.

So, if you have your own married friends over to stay for a weekend, do you put them in separate rooms because you can't cope with the possibility that they might fuck each other?

Presumably, you expect your kids and your au pair to sleep under the same roof as you and your husband, so they must have managed to overcome their ick over adults in relationships sharing beds. I don't see why you couldn't manage to overcome yours.