Daughter wants her boyfriend to sleep over

[ChantsHinch]

My daughter wants her BF to sleep over, in the same bed. My hubby and I are against it. She said everyone (her friends) sleeps over at their BF/GF. They are 19 so they're adults but I just don't feel its right. Im not religious, so its not that, but something doesn't sit well for me. Am I overreacting? When did/would you let your adult kids have a BF/GF sleep over?
Also, to consider is her 14 year old sister in the next room...

For what it’s worth I allow my daughter’s boyfriend to stay over, they’re both 18 and she stays at his too. My DD works full time and my home is her home. I also have a younger DD and we’ve never heard them. They’re both respectful and to be honest I’d much rather her be under her own roof than down the back of some alley.
I think YABU but it’s your home and ultimately your rules

I was ok with it from 17 ish (when they’d been together for about 6 months, although I didn’t set that as a timescale) my ‘rules’ were if you’re in a proper relationship your partner is welcome here anytime, including overnight, but no randoms and no one you’ve just met. They are young adults and this is their home.

It's fine to say no. I'd feel the same as you.
Do they ever get time alone in your house in the day?

My dd has been living with her bf more or less since she was 19 and at Uni (pretty pointless paying for her room at Uni in third year as she was mostly living at his, as her house was a half an hour walk, whereas he lived over the road from Uni.🤭). They are still together and nearly 28 now. They live on the other side of the world these days. We don’t have long with our kids before they are off, so let the boyfriend stay.

Have they been together long? I think you are being a bit OTT tbh, my DDs boyfriend stayed over from when they were 17yo. I had had the contraception chat and I just said it’s fine but I do not want to hear anything!!!

Otherwise what wait till they’re married? 🤷‍♀️

(Tbf this is exactly why generations of young people used to get married pretty much straight from school. Extended kidulthood under the parental roof really isn’t the natural way!)

Your house, your rules. Wouldn't be happening in.my house unless they were married.

At 19 I would be willing to have a conversation about it. Mine won’t be living at home most of the year at that age so it won’t be an issue.

Since yours is still in residence, it is more complicated. If she is working full-time and paying real rent, I would consider allowing overnights with strict rules. Not for any prudish reasons, just to keep the house a place that is still a family home and not a flat share type environment.

if instead she is floundering a bit and hasn’t really entered adulthood and that is why she is still at home, I would not allow overnights. That kind of emotional intimacy needs to go hand in hand with solid steps towards adult independence. Otherwise, the relationship is more like playing house and can take on a fairytale quality instead of being two people dealing with life’s realities and balancing romance.

My 17.5 year old asks for this to happen daily. I actually don’t even think it’s about sex but just about the novelty of it. However my problem with this is I don’t really want another adult in the house and what if they are noisy and giggle like it is with a sleepover. We early sleepers and risers in this house. I’ve suggested she stays at his but she’s said our house is better… how often will she ask for him to stay is my worry. How often are boyfriends staying when this ‘begins’ …

My rule is no overnights until six months. That way I've had plenty of chance to meet them before they stay the night. My eldest is 18, still at college and she has sleepovers with her girlfriend once every few weeks. I'd rather they were having sex at home where they are safe and comfortable.

My Mum didn't let me have boyfriends to stay overnight until I was living with (now) DH aged 28, I'd been living away from home since I was 18, so I'm not sure what she thought she was achieving beyond briefly stopping two people sleep in the same bed while we visited her (we still managed to have sex while we were there). DBro had random girls to stay all the time!

Same here.

I didn’t sleep with DH at my parents’ house until we were married. I was a long way into my thirties !
My DDs haven’t had boyfriends yet, they are legally adults, youngest is 19 soon, but I wouldn’t allow a casual boyfriend to sleep over at all. I really don’t think either would ever suggest that anyway. A good, solid relationship then yes I would allow it now .

They’re 19, if they’re not doing it under your roof it’ll be elsewhere. At that age I don’t see any problem

At 19 she and boyfriend can rent a bedsitter somewhere.

Do you know many 19 year olds that can afford to rent their own place?

I let a bf stay over at 18. However he lives quite far away, so it wasn’t a regular occurrence.

I would be more worried about him half moving in, rather than occasionally staying over.

Been there. It’s weird and a bit awkward the first time when you bump into the boyfriend at breakfast but honestly it’s fine. Just make sure you tell them to not be banging the headboard against the sisters wall.

What uncomfortable about having the boyfriend at breakfast? Unless you live in a 28 bedroom Manor House, there's no 'bumping into' him at all. It was breakfast time, and adults, you know, will eat breakfast.
All this hand wringing is incredibly silly. Sit at the table offer to make a brew and chat to him!

This 100%!

Some of the 1950s attitudes on here. Not until they’re married and why isn’t she renting at 19

As if most 19 year olds can afford to rent, and how many young women actually want to get married these days anyway 🤣

I would not expect her not to want to sleep with her partner
I would far rather that than she was a young adult who had no friends and spent her life looking at her phone

Because she is probably in full time education 🙄

I know! Threads like this remind me how far out of my reality people are compared to me and my circle

I know what if your child never gets married but stays where their partner for 30 years? Would you still not let the partner stay over? Even if they have children he/she would have to sleep on the sofa because they’re not married?!

It’s ridiculous.

She needs to move out. I wouldn't allow in my home either.