Dd coming between us and I’m struggling

[timetogetherimpossible]

Dd (15) seems to be unhappy. Attention seeking and blocking me and dh having any time together.

It started about 18 months ago she wanted to increase a sports activity so we added a session to each week. She said can dh take her which was fine. I didn’t actually think much of it but in hindsight it was a clear preference and when I’ve offered she’s said no she didn’t want to go.

Then she started asking for other things , needed us to help a lot with homework. Starting asking me for lifts all the time saying she was tired couldn’t get the bus, didn’t feel well etc so I did it as obviously thought she wasn’t 100%.

It has got more and more intense. It’s become clear in the last 6 months that she is trying to separate us at all opportunities by needing one of us to take her somewhere or help with something.

Ds left for uni last year and we have recently changed work patterns so 3 morning a week we are both WFH. She won’t leave the house on these days for school will refuse as has actually said she doesn’t want us left alone together ??? I don’t understand where this has come from.

If we try to have a meal in the evening or watch a film she’s there saying can we turn it off and do her homework with her or saying how long will we be as she wants to talk about her sports sessions?

Im not sure what to do ? Is this some kind of phase ?

She’s clearly struggling with something, have you asked her why she’s doing this? Don’t make it an accusation, gently suggest that you can see what’s happening and you are worried for her, be very specific as you have been here. Also tell her that you and dh are going to support her in becoming more independent by stepping back a little. I would also talk to her school and ask what she’s like there.

Is your DH her father?

Agree with poster you need to find out what's driving this by asking, gently.

Yes

I was wondering at one point if it was something to do with ds and uni as it started around the time he was talking a lot about it and has got a lot worse in the last 6 months really since he was about to leave / left ?

Its good that she says she doesnt want you to have time together, it shows shes open to talking about it. What did you say when she said that?
Something is going on for her, I wouldn't push her away at all until you've found out what it is. Basically prioritize her for now.

Is there any chance that yous are likely to have another baby? Could it be that she thinks yous may want another now one has left for uni?

Say no? Agree to speak to her after the film? Make her wait, even a short while? Refuse sometimes? Lie about working from home so she goes to school? It sounds anxiety driven and it’s hard for some kids to go to school if they think parents are at home.

It’s something we had talked about (in private when she wasn’t here) so unless she’s looked on my phone or something she wouldn’t know

Is she in fact mentally unwell? Does she have some bizarre beliefs about one or other of you and feel she needs to be there to protect you?

Or has she any legitimate reason to worry that one of you is not safe from the other such as DV or someone having an affair or someone has been ill.

This is very odd and far outside the realm of usual teen behaviour.

I would gently confront her about it maybe DH rather than you if he is the favoured one. Just say ‘we’ve noticed you selectively won’t go out when we are together. What’s going on? Are you worried about something?’

I would be prioritising her needs for now as it sounds like she might be having some MH issue or is very concerned about something.

Please don’t have another baby, you need to prioritise her needs. Sounds like something like MH issue or shes very anxious about something, you need to get to the bottom of it before even considering that option as it could push her over the edge.

It would be best to find out what’s driving it first and address that but if she won’t say then you need to start putting boundaries and saying that you are unavailable at certain times and that you will be spending time together as well as with her.

I would never assume that a teen girls doesn’t know something. They seem to have means and they usually know way more than their parents realise so perhaps it is fear of a baby (still not something she gets to dictate but legitimate need for reassurance)

I know this sounds mad, but has she heard you having sex?

I hate to say this OP, but is there any possibility at all that she's trying to protect one of you from the other, for whatever reason? Even if it's something she's inflated in her own mind?

Could she be being be abused by him ?

This? Or she did look at your phone and its about a baby.

Or has she over heard a row and thinks you need some sort of protection?

Either way, you need to stop dancing around it and ask her since its so obvious.

She's 15, of course she's looked on your phone.

No definitely not , I know you can never say 100% but I’d be 99.999% sure

She has her own phone but I suppose it’s a possibility? I’ve never seen her with mine though

It seems like this is the most obvious reason!!

Crikey a teenager going thru the hardest time for a child emotions,hormones and all she wants is her mum or dad for attention, some of ours are a year older and we will always put off tv, our time if they wish to talk. I would be over the moon she wanted to talk to me rather than sit on the internet all night talking to the wrong people. Come on she's still a kid you chose to have you are even more responsible right now during teen years than when younger to keep them on a good path. All our teens and youngsters know mum and dad are always there to chat unless of course it's like midnight 😂

This is clearly not a child just "wanting to have a chat".

Why? My DS doesn't look at mine?

My initial thought was - she doesn't want you to have another baby! Might DH have mentioned something to her about it? Or did one of you joke to DS about it and he's told her?

I agree that she's being very open about not wanting you to be together - which makes it easier for you to ask her what's going on.

I'm over 70 now but remember so well my dad having to give me 'that talk' when I was about 14.
On reflection, I think that I did try, albeit clumsily, to come between my parents as I thought that it was my right to have my dad to myself, Goodness knows what ever gave me that idea but the embarrassing talk went something like, blah blah blah, Mummy is my best girlfriend, blah blah blah.
All I heard was the best girlfriend bit and had a very rude strop. huffing, puffing denial etc for a good hour or so.
After a few days of giving my mum dirty looks, I managed to get over it and hopefully improved my behaviour.
Try to nip this in the bud kindly and as a couple, but don't put up with any of her nonsense.
Best of luck x