What does ‘heart stopper’ mean?

[Mollymal75]

My son is an intellectual but is also very sporty.

He aspires to have intellectual conversations with his peers or to talk in depth about sport etc but there’s no one interested in these conversations.

He finds certain conversations difficult as he doesn’t enjoy watching soaps, celebrity TV nor reality TV shows which seems to be popular. He worries about what to say to friends.

He is sensitive to people, reserved and a little cautious. He enjoys his own company much of the time and likes to think, plan and have intelligent conversations with himself.

He relates to adults better than people his own age.

He doesn’t enjoy the activities that others engage in such as messing about, talking about mindless things, swearing, being silly, using slang.

He had a good group of friends for a couple of years but they seemed to have changed: they mess about more, exclude him more and are inconsiderate eg. they wait for each other at lunchtime but not him.

Feels one of his close friends doesn’t talk to him anymore. He has lost confidence in speaking to people - doesn’t know what to say. Feels many of the boys have changed and they want to be part of the ‘cool gang’. We have discussed his expectations of friends and their behaviour.

He has started to be targeted by the ‘cool gang’ - one said the other day that he gave a ‘hand job’ to another boy in the ‘cool gang’. Another group, who my son thinks are harmless called him a ‘heart stopper’. He is very good looking and tall but I’m worried that there is a rumour going around that he’s gay and this is a reference to the Netflix show.

I don’t care if he is gay but children can be cruel. I’ve asked him gently, but I don’t think that’s even on the radar for him yet. I feel he’s so focused on his academic studies that relationships are not on the radar yet.

I just want to know whether this is a teenage term for calling someone gay and also how I can help my son with friendships. He really is a wonderful human being - kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and really interesting but he just can’t seem to find friends that are loyal - he feels that they all move away from him eventually and it’s destroying his confidence and breaking his (and my) heart.

How old is he?

He’s 14.

Heart stopper, as I understand it, means someone who is breathtakingly beautiful. I don't think it's a specifically teenage term, or any coded reference to being gay.

It does mean that, but it’s also a Netflix show about gay teens and in the context of what else OP is saying then it makes sense that that would be what it was referring to.

OP if you’re concerned about bullying then you need to speak to the school. Some teasing/ name calling is inevitable though it’s very sad that it appears to be homophobic in nature but as you say children can be cruel, and if this continues it needs to be taken seriously.

What really stands out from your post is how much better you think your son is than other boys his age, and if you’ve passed that belief onto him it won’t be doing him any favours when it comes to getting along socially.

Literally of course it means that someone is gorgeous.
The main character in the series heartstopper was gay, had poor mental health and was being taken advantage of/perceived weak, as I understood it (although wasn’t weak in reality). Perhaps they are implying he is gay indeed. It’s classic bullying and completely unacceptable imo if so. It shouldn’t matter if he is indeed gay or not. I would be upset too.
it all depends on intention and context… are they usually mean?

Thank you for your input and I will speak to the school.

I am sorry that it’s come across that way as I don’t believe nor do I tell my son that he’s better than anyone else at all. In fact, quite the opposite. I tell my son that everyone has a gift for something and that he should appreciate his friends for their individual characteristics.

i am merely describing him to give context about how he might be different to most children, therefore how he stands out and also what his desires are for friendships. We’ve never given him the impression that he is superior and always kept him grounded. He’s lived by his teachers and if anyone praises him all the time, it’s them.

We’ve talked about him watching Traitors as that seems to be a popular discussion amongst his year group at the moment, but he finds the deceit unkind.

I appreciate it’s hard to judge from a post, but I am asking for practical help and hope that he will find his ‘tribe’ one day. 😞

It sounds like he spends a lot of time planning what to say, and less time planning to listen to others. Maybe he can join some after school clubs to meet some people outside the school environment. He doesn't need to turn into the other teens but will need to get on with them to a certain extent, like adults have to get on with others at work they don't always share interests with. The reason he thinks he gets on better with adults is because they are more polite. I know a teen like this and it's tedious listening to him pontificating and his mum indulgently encouraging it, but I don't say anything to either of them.

This is the difficult part - this came from a boy and two girls who he rarely interacts with. He doesn’t know them well enough to know if it’s a compliment or not. I glossed over it as I didn’t want him to know that I might be concerned. It just seemed an unusual thing to say.

They're saying he's gay

I mean it could just mean they think he looks like one of the actors, it could have been meant unkindly or it could have been them just trying to be funny in their own awkward, insecure way and projecting that onto him. I think glossing over it was the right thing, but just keep an eye that it doesn’t develop.

Your son sounds lovely and it wasn’t a dig at you so much, more than if he’s seeing it as the other kids are only interested in ‘messing about and swearing’ I’ve no wonder he’s not connecting with them. It’s possible to be academically able, sensitive and also enjoy a bit of messing about. But if that’s not him it’s not him.

Does school have any clubs or activities that are more in line with his interests? Or would trying to develop something outside of school help confidence and social skills that will help him in school? Even something slightly outside his usual comfort zone?

I know it's all about this these days but have you considered autism.

His lack of interests in peers and the age and adult relationships nod to me ? Old Asperger's maybe?

He might well also be gay. But kids won't pick up on autism but they will find something else to be mean about.

Agreed. Whether you’re planning what to say in a conversation because you’re shy or because you’re arrogant and only interested in the sound of your own voice, the effect is often the same — you’re not listening to or engaged with the other person because you’re thinking about what you’re going to say when they stop talking. If he wants them to play a part in a conversation he’s playing in his own head and has no interest in who they actually are, that isn’t much of a basis for friendship.

And I agree that describing a 14 year old as an ‘intellectual’ suggests you both see him as someone distinctive and above the mob, which isn’t going to help.

I have a 13 year old going on 14 who has good friends but hasn’t ever watched reality tv and has zero interest in celebrity culture. I just asked him what he talks about with his friends and he said ‘Oh, just nonsense.’

genuine question

Would you say that about racism ?
“some teasing and name calling is inevitable”

I think a lot of teens listen to respond rather than actually listen. I think because he’s lacking confidence, this is probably exacerbated and so he just stays quiet and tries to laugh along. He doesn’t want to go along with some of the things that the other children do as he respects the teachers and the school rules.

The funny part is, he does go to outside clubs and gets on really well with the other children but they are not local. The school does have a reputation for selfish and entitled children but we can’t move him now.

I am curious as to why you assume that my son is the same as the person you know. My son is far from arrogant and I don’t pontificate - we don’t even celebrate his achievements and awards publicly anymore for fear of sounding like we are boasting.

I think he’s different in the way that he thinks - he’s kind and considerate (my husband and I both work in the caring profession and so have always been conscious that our son is kind and considerate to others).

I agree that he does need to learn to find a way of communicating with the children at school and that’s what I have asked help and advice for. I don’t want him to change as a person - he’s not perfect but he’s lovely, I just want him to have friends.

Have you watched heart stopper? One of the main characters is a bit self conscious, sensitive, a deep thinker, (and also gay). So it could be that your son reminds them of that character.

It does sound like you and him both think he's above everyone else, like nobody around him is good enough, his interests are so superior - that aura going to rub off on those around him. Homophobic bullying however is unacceptable.

I didn't pick up that she thought he was better. Just different. DS1 was like that. Still is. he had zero interest in reality TV and soaps. he loves deep, serious conversations. He got upset when he was ousted from a group of friends and overhead a girl he thought he got on well with saying 'Don't invite him, he's so boring!' And to be honest, he can be a bit intense and discuss things in too much depth, which can leave people feeling a bit trapped. But instead of trying to force him to change who he is, I just encouraged him to trust he'd meet like minded people and he has, pretty much, as he gets older.

OP, I think all you can do is explain how most people prefer quite superficial social interaction, and that is fine and valuable, so don't knock it and do develop the social skill to interact at this level. But he can also look out for people who are on his wavelength. Maybe see if there is a debating club or a few quieter pupils who are under the radar a bit.

As to whether he is gay - it's up to him to let you know, but you can create an atmosphere at home which is free from casual 'joky' homophobia, so he knows it would be fine to come out, if he is. And please help him know he is under zero pressure to get physical in any way with anyone. This might be a good time to be very clear about the legal dangers of sending or receiving nude photos from his peers. Even being sent a dick pick as a joke by a classmate legally constitutes being in possession of child pornography. So if people are casually chatting about sexual favours, he needs to be aware that if he receives anything he should delete it immediately and inform a member of staff.

But I really don’t think he’s superior. I am merely describing his interests and his personality. Every child is important and has their special thing. When I say he’s an intellectual, I mean it in the literal sense. He would rather discuss the politics of Russia than talk about what’s happening in Hollyoaks for example. That’s just who he is. However, that doesn’t necessarily make for popular conversation in the playground. He’s an only child and so used to our adult conversations.

You described the character of Heartstopper, and my son is very similar to that. However, it doesn’t make him superior.

The challenge is because he’s different, it’s making keeping friendships hard. We’ve asked him to listen to conversations to learn what the boys are talking about, and then he can join in, but he’s finding this extremely difficult as they are excluding him more and more.

Him saying Traitors is "deceitful" is a weird take, it is for fun, to win a game. Do you not play board games or card games that are about deceit? One Night Werewolf? Cheat? The wide eyed innocence as you put face down a 5 and a 3 and say, "Two 8s" with confidence. Murder Wink which is literally what Traitors is just a long drawn out version of it.

It probably does come across as your son feeling superior to his peers even if he is just different. Traitors talk is currency, it is what lots of people are watching and would have been a good thing for you and your son to watch. I also think it is a good way of talking about how people's words, actions and body language can all be misinterpreted.

I find it hard to believe there is no one to talk to about sport.

Edited to add, mine watched stuff not because they wanted to but because it allowed them to join in conversations that were important to their friends. We watched some dire films but it was to help them fit in.

Thank you so much for your comments. I think you really do get my son and the difficulties that we have. I really don’t believe he’s better than anyone else. As I’ve said to other posters, I’m merely describing him so that people can see why he’s a bit different than the average teen.

I totally agree that he needs to learn to lighten the conversation. We’ve also reassured him that he will find his tribe one day, but for now he just needs to accept his friends for who they are and enjoy their company and find out more about what makes them tick, what they like to talk about.

Regarding the conversation at home, my brother is gay and so, even though we don’t really see him very much as he lives far away, we are very much an open family. My son talks about everything with me (as far as I know!) And I have reassured him that it’s OK to be who he is, whatever that may be - as long as he doesn’t hurt anyone. I just don’t think he’s interested in relationships at the moment. Again, I’ve told him that’s fine and that feelings for other people come when he’s ready.

I’m not sure I follow.

I didn’t say it ‘about’ any particular topic. I said that some teasing and name calling amongst teenage boys is inevitable. Which is true.

Racism isn’t ok. Homophobia isn’t ok. The fact that kids and teens are going to find things to tease the others about doesn’t excuse being racist, sexist, homophobic and if it is that then it needs reporting to the school.

What I didn’t phrase particularly well was that whilst it’s inevitably they will find reasons to take the piss out of each other, it’s more worrying and deeply disappointing that we’re still using the old ‘gay’ insults I remember from my own schooldays. I’d hoped things had moved on somewhat - I had typed out the following but deleted as felt it was ‘me-railing’ a bit. The idea that things may have moved on came from the experiences of someone close to me who is gay, presents rather stereotypically camp in terms of clothing choices, interests etc, and is just a few years older than OP’s son. We did all worry a little for him that kids were going to be awful when he got to high school, but he very much did find his tribe and he didn’t experience any bullying (whether there was the odd comment or not he’s not said, I’d imagine so but that doesn’t mean I think it’s ok).

It probably does mean they are calling him gay, as per the show/books.

I’d be telling him it doesn’t matter if he’s gay or not and he might not even know yet - but calling someone gay as an insult is unacceptable.

It sounds like he’s one of those kids that’s struggling to fit in in secondary school. Is he 14 in year 9 or 10?
If year 9 it wouldn’t be crazy to consider moving schools if he feels he’d be happier but he could face the same issues elsewhere too. If year 10 I’d be getting him to focus on his schoolwork and just getting through GCSEs. He will then have options for 6th form.

After school clubs or activities could be good for him too, find some like minded DC outside of school?

He will find his tribe eventually but for some DC it happens later, in college or university

There you go again. He’s just a teenager. Lots of them are clever. At 14 one of my godsons was teaching himself Russian as a hobby to the point where he ended up taking it as an extra A-level and later on used it to volunteer with newly-arrived Ukrainians. My other godson (now 17) grew up in a house with no television so is highly unlikely to have been chatting about reality tv — his interest is law (and climbing). He’s going to study international law abroad. But they both found common ground with peers.

This is what I meant by thinking him superior. Not so much the description of him, the description of the other teens!

Specifically that their interests/ activities are ‘swearing, messing around, talking about mindless things, being silly’ that absolutely smacks of superiority.

Hes not likely to be the only sporty teen in his peer group for example. Others might be interested in drama, architecture, design, fashion, wildlife, combatting climate change etc etc.

Im not saying he does think himself better, just pointing out why I got that impression because it’s been questioned a few times,

Some boys mature much later and others earlier. It sounds like your DS has just matured earlier than some of his peers. He will probably find friends among others sports players in teams he plays in. He will find his tribe at uni.

My apologies - this is quoted directly from my son. Unfortunately, this is how text speak comes across.

The majority of children took about nonsense - not in a derogatory sense - just in that’s what they do after being loaded with serious stuff in lessons. I don’t blame them. My son wants to talk about deeper things. There are some boys who are also ‘intellectual’ but they are also into Pokemon and comics and that’s not my son’s thing either.

He does try to talk sport - he loves cricket, absolutely crazy about it but no one else seems to want to talk about it - even the friends who are into cricket. He says they were playing a game on the computer at school at lunchtime and I asked why he didn’t join in. He said it was too violent but he sat there and watched it with them, but felt so alone as they were huddled round it. He really is trying to join in.