What does ‘heart stopper’ mean?

[Mollymal75]

My son is an intellectual but is also very sporty.

He aspires to have intellectual conversations with his peers or to talk in depth about sport etc but there’s no one interested in these conversations.

He finds certain conversations difficult as he doesn’t enjoy watching soaps, celebrity TV nor reality TV shows which seems to be popular. He worries about what to say to friends.

He is sensitive to people, reserved and a little cautious. He enjoys his own company much of the time and likes to think, plan and have intelligent conversations with himself.

He relates to adults better than people his own age.

He doesn’t enjoy the activities that others engage in such as messing about, talking about mindless things, swearing, being silly, using slang.

He had a good group of friends for a couple of years but they seemed to have changed: they mess about more, exclude him more and are inconsiderate eg. they wait for each other at lunchtime but not him.

Feels one of his close friends doesn’t talk to him anymore. He has lost confidence in speaking to people - doesn’t know what to say. Feels many of the boys have changed and they want to be part of the ‘cool gang’. We have discussed his expectations of friends and their behaviour.

He has started to be targeted by the ‘cool gang’ - one said the other day that he gave a ‘hand job’ to another boy in the ‘cool gang’. Another group, who my son thinks are harmless called him a ‘heart stopper’. He is very good looking and tall but I’m worried that there is a rumour going around that he’s gay and this is a reference to the Netflix show.

I don’t care if he is gay but children can be cruel. I’ve asked him gently, but I don’t think that’s even on the radar for him yet. I feel he’s so focused on his academic studies that relationships are not on the radar yet.

I just want to know whether this is a teenage term for calling someone gay and also how I can help my son with friendships. He really is a wonderful human being - kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and really interesting but he just can’t seem to find friends that are loyal - he feels that they all move away from him eventually and it’s destroying his confidence and breaking his (and my) heart.

Hmm, I also dislike Traitors and similar programmes but I’ve never felt the need to watch them so I could fit in or get along with others. People are allowed to like different things, what kind of advice is it to say ‘do things you don’t enjoy so people don’t bully you’? Surely the better lesson is, people are different but liking a popular show doesn’t make you special or superior, just like not liking it doesn’t make you special or superior.

This “cool” group are bullying your son. Heartstopper is almost certainly a reference to the Netflix show, they’re not complimenting him about his looks, and as such it’s homophobic bullying. Everyone is protected under equality legislation he doesn’t have to be gay or bi or anything in order to be a victim of homophobic bullying. They also asked him for a hand job which is sexual harassment. I really think you need to intervene with the school and get them to clamp down on this hard.

Is this a common term for saying someone is gay?

This is what I was afraid of. I’m afraid the school have a reputation for not dealing with bullying - but my son does not want to leave as he loves the teachers and he’s been there since he was 3 and so it is just something he can’t consider.

They are not his friends. Are there no other boys he could be friends with? He could do lunch clubs, he could stop putting himself u der pressure to fit in with a small group

My ds had his friends outside school, and school was there to get an education. It's pure luck if you find a best friend there.

My son was very much part of the cool gang from Y2. By about Y9 he wasn't enjoying it and in Y10 he completely changed his friend group. He was so much happier with the hard working, less popular, normal boys and built great friendships with them in a short amount of time. I would suggest your son just shuns that group completely and finds a group of more normal kids or even slightly nerdy kids. My DD had always been in a nice group and they recently welcomed a new girl who had been in the popular group but not enjoying it as she is clever and wanted to do well in her GCSEs where they didn't take school seriously. She just started to come and sit with DD's small group at lunch and break (3 girls) and made new friends.

Secondary schools are big. There will be people out there who are similar.

So this is what I picked up from your o/p:

your son is “intellectual” and only interested in intelligent conversation. His friends can’t speak to him on that level so they are drifting apart.

he’s very good looking.

he’s very sporty. But again only wants “intellectual” conversations about sport which your average fan again can’t keep up with. So again he’s isolating himself.

is he Adrian Mole?

it sound to me like if he wants to maintain his friendships he needs to stop trying to drag them up to his perceived superior level and start finding things in common that he can talk about. That or accept he doesn’t want their friendship and find others of a similar nature that want to talk about the topics he does.

if they’re a typical group of lads they are going to move away from someone they can’t chat to about teenage boy stuff. If he isn’t interested in the same stuff and has nothing to say to them he needs to find people who are into the same things he is.

@Allisnotlost1 I agree with you but you are also not a child trying to fit in at secondary. Ds had a friend who loves football and goes to the match every week. Ds hates football, never played it, doesn't care about some men running around after a ball but would happily join in the conversation about football because it is important to his friend. It is what friends do, you listen and might even learn a few things to add to the conversation because it is something your friend is interested in. Basic conversational stuff that is likely to come up week after week. Same with The Traitors, it is not some slasher horror movie but it is ubiquitous.

This is a child who is struggling to fit in at school and being targeted by the "cool" gang which always turns out to be the cruel kids. The school has a reputation for not dealing well with bullying so suggesting he watches a few tv shows to enable him to talk to other children and hopefully make friends is hardly asking him to be stretched on the rack.

Children like to "other" and to misquote a book there can be no "cool" gang without people perceiving "uncool" people and it is why the cool gang target those who are not like them. To point out the difference. High school is brutal at times and the only way out, is through.

Being called ‘heartstopper’ is just shorthand for gay, which sadly is still widely used as a slur in schools. It’s definitely not a compliment, as some here have suggested.

Both my children experienced schisms in their friendship groups at around age 15. It’s extremely common as it seems to be the moment when there’s a significant shift in the social order and interests of teenagers. Some will gravitate towards whatever’s deemed cool and start experimenting with ‘adult’ pursuits, others will remain closer to their childhood interests. Unfortunately lots get caught in the middle and basically shut out, not being seen to be cool, good-looking, physically mature, reckless or fun enough to be included in the popular groups. Teens are particularly cruel and exclusionary at this age, and it does sound like your son is being subjected to bullying.

You say he’s ‘very good looking’, which objectively he may be - but also, you’re his mum. From your description he also sounds like a boy who presents as awkward and nerdy to his peers, and who shares few of their interests. He’s unfortunately highly likely to be excluded or picked on, as teenagers can be horrific arseholes, and their own desperation to fit in often manifests via the exclusion of others. Sadly your son sounds like an easy target.

I understand your heartache as a mum, and the impulse to make everything ok, but this is a tough and transformative period and you can’t just make it all go away for him. Suggesting he watches programmes he has no interest in and approaches others with ‘accessible’ conversation topics is really, really not going to help him. Nor is going to the school with accusations of bullying (unless this escalates, in which case obviously take it up with the school).

IME the worst thing you can do is encourage your child to keep making an effort to ingratiate himself with friends who have outgrown him and are trying to distance themselves from him. Watching an episode of Traitors won’t magically transform him into someone they want to hang out with. Trailing after them will only lead to more cruelty as they push him away - or, worse, do the cat-and-mouse thing of sometimes including him and making him feel happy and hopeful, only to laugh at him behind his back and cut him off again. Kids sniff out weakness, desperation and difference, and they have zero qualms about singling out anyone who doesn’t ‘fit’. I’m so sorry if that’s blunt and painful to hear.

In your shoes I’d be looking at helping him build other friendship circles. Are there extra-curricular clubs he can join? Does he enjoy anything like chess? Drama? (The arts clubs are often much kinder and more inclusive - there are sometimes roles helping out with technical or behind-the-scenes work.) Can he get involved in any school council stuff or whatever?

Basically my advice is to strongly encourage him not to chase friendship where he’s not valued or wanted, as this will only lead to absolute misery for him. I’m sorry you’re both going through this, it’s awful.

I take it he plays cricket? IME there are always several boys at a cricket club who will happily talk about cricket to the exclusion of all else so surely he’d have friends there?

He just sounds a bit emotionally and socially immature. Hopefully he'll catch up with his peer group soon, but, if not, I would certainly be considering whether their was some neurodiversity.

He's being teased, so keep an eye on it.

I’m sat at the GP with my 13 year old son and I’ve just asked him what he’d mean if he called someone a heart stopper and he said he’d be calling them gay. I checked him on ever using that term because it’s clearly not being used as a compliment- I’ve seen the show.

Your son is being bullied OP.

The show is fantastic though, do watch it!

it does sound like he needs to find other friends. Are there lunchtime clubs he could go to?

I agree that taking an interest in a friend’s interests is a good thing to do, and you may learn something and build a good bond. I’m just not sure that it’s in anyone’s best interests to do what everyone else does just to fit in. Isn’t that ultimately teaching a child that mob rule wins? High school is indeed brutal - I went to a girls school, which is particularly vicious - but there’s keeping your head down and being friendly with everyone regardless of interests, and then there’s changing who you are. It doesn’t feel right to encourage a young person to do that.

Thank you. That’s my instinct too. I don’t want him to change who he is. He’s true to himself at the moment and knows what he likes, what values he has and what kind of friendship he wants. I can see this desire to fit in with others is knocking his confidence and he’s genuinely struggling with what to say. I think the link with his current group is slightly tenuous and maybe they’re not his tribe. They’re not particularly unkind but even the things they do have in common, they don’t seem to want to talk about.

He really does want friendships but he’s in a small high school with very limited choice of friends and so any issues are magnified - there’s no where to hide.

I am considering a counsellor to help boost his confidence and to consider how he comes across to others but I am hoping one day, he will find his tribe.

I have just seen a photo of the main character of Heartstopper and my son has a strong resemblance. I’m really hoping that this is the connection (this comment didn’t come from the ‘cool gang’ who said about the ‘hand job’ but came from another small group - a boy and two girls who my son doesn’t know that well).

It's perfectly possible for a teen boy to be both an "intellectual" (as you describe your son), and also enjoy messing about, swearing and talking about "nonsense" (in your words), it doesn't have to be either or.

Absolutely - I agree. But my son doesn’t like it. He ‘messes about’ and talks ‘nonsense’ at home to some degree but he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it with friends and particularly at school.

Whilst I want him to have friends and ‘fit in’ (as life is much easier for your child if they are popular), it’s just not his personality. He is deep, he does want to have interesting conversations but he also wants to be liked and have at least one close friend.

The bizarre thing is, there’s nearly always someone who comes over and talks to him at the gate to walk into school. He does get invited out occasionally but just doesn’t seem to get that close bond with someone that he so yearns.

Honestly, same as previous poster I would be suspecting autism if the social side seems to be such an effort that it doesn't come naturally and he is practicing conversations.

And yeah whilst I've not heard it, from what's been posted here I take the heart stopper comment to be a homophobic slur and indicative of bullying and something to address with school.

I think there are 2 issues, not unrelated but absolutely there must be other studious, sensible and mature-thinking kids your son will get along with, without having to pretend to be anyone other than who he is.

I have a 14yo autistic son who has some very specific interests. He can talk at length to some adults about these, but no other same age lad gives a shit about the geopolitics (at all, or to the same degree). He has made 2 friends at school both older than him who are into politics so he sometimes eats and chats with them. He is happy in his own company too, so if your son is, remind him that's powerful and not the same as lonely. I was a socially awkward teen and honestly I loved a school lunchtime in the library with a book! My daughter is similar.
As long as he has some people he can get along with at some times (cricket, other outside of school activities) then encourage these relationships and tell him to take the pressure off trying to fit in at school.
College and then uni is a whole different thing - lots more kids, more backgrounds, wider interests and there will definitely be like-minded peers.

He sounds amazing and wonderful, OP.

One of my sons went through something similar at school. He was kind of dropped by his 2 closest friends and their group. It was difficult because I am very good friends with one of the 2 close friends mum's. I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed but they are growing into young adults at that age and have to work it out for themselves.

Anyway, what we did. We just kept on advising him to drift around to other people and try to forge new friendships. He did a lot of drifting at lunchtimes. It definitely affected his time at secondary school and he did not attend Prom. He is now into his last ear at college and has made good friends there and has a lovely girlfriend of 18 months, too.

Strangely, he now see's the 2 friends that drifted away quite regularly and they go to the pub together.

I don't think he enjoyed secondary school for many of the same reasons that I didn't. It can be tricky I think if you aren't following what everyone else is into and doing or aren't in with the 'in' crowd.

If he feels that people are insulting or making snide comments then I would advise him to stand up for himself, ideally with humour or a 'clap-back'.

i.e. 'has started to be targeted by the ‘cool gang’ - one said the other day that he gave a ‘hand job’ to another boy in the ‘cool gang’.'

'Really? I heard that was you!'

He will find his people in time but he must not allow these people to dent his confidence.

A lovely young man in my family us very like your son, but 4 years older. He had trouble finding close friends until sixth form and is now at uni and definitely found his tribe. He thought he might be gay - I'm not up to date on whether this was a phase or not - certainly various members of the family quietly wondered about autism. If he can be true to himself, know he has your love and perhaps make some effort to reach out socially, he'll be fine. It might be a while but it will happen.

Are you still friends with the mum?

And hiw do you feel about him now being friends with the friends tgst weren't really there for him ?

I do agree with your clap back idea, that a good one

I don't think it sounds like you think your son is better at all, as a PP said just different. The reality is that some people, children included, are more intellectual than others, and this can make it hard to connect if they haven't found people similar to them. This is a really hard thing to talk about as people tend to either think you're boasting/superior or now that they're autistic (which itself frankly speaks to how difficult some find the concept that not everyone is the same).

My son's teachers have told me that he perhaps hasn't found his tribe yet as he is more intellectual than many others of his age, that is not me being superior, if anything I wish he wasn't and his life would be much easier!

I am still friends with the mum. It was difficult at times in my thoughts; she would never have known how I felt. She adores my son. Since then, she has actually experienced the same thing with her daughter at school.

I'm glad they go to the pub together and I am a very forgiving person but they'll always be a little part of me that thinks less of them for what they did.

This. Your DS sounds very like my DS who was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome at secondary school.

People thought DS was gay too because he had no interest in girls or relationships which is very unusual - most had had a girl friend before even leaving primary school. I have no idea if he's gay/straight/asexual but he's 20 now and still no interest in relationships.

DS didn't like 'hanging out', chatting rubbish or messing around at break times at school, he will talk to himself at home and is very happy in his own company. He's doing a degree apprenticeship in software engineering now and loving it. He gets on much better with people there than he ever did at school.

I'd say your DS is ticking a lot of boxes for ASD.