What does ‘heart stopper’ mean?

[Mollymal75]

My son is an intellectual but is also very sporty.

He aspires to have intellectual conversations with his peers or to talk in depth about sport etc but there’s no one interested in these conversations.

He finds certain conversations difficult as he doesn’t enjoy watching soaps, celebrity TV nor reality TV shows which seems to be popular. He worries about what to say to friends.

He is sensitive to people, reserved and a little cautious. He enjoys his own company much of the time and likes to think, plan and have intelligent conversations with himself.

He relates to adults better than people his own age.

He doesn’t enjoy the activities that others engage in such as messing about, talking about mindless things, swearing, being silly, using slang.

He had a good group of friends for a couple of years but they seemed to have changed: they mess about more, exclude him more and are inconsiderate eg. they wait for each other at lunchtime but not him.

Feels one of his close friends doesn’t talk to him anymore. He has lost confidence in speaking to people - doesn’t know what to say. Feels many of the boys have changed and they want to be part of the ‘cool gang’. We have discussed his expectations of friends and their behaviour.

He has started to be targeted by the ‘cool gang’ - one said the other day that he gave a ‘hand job’ to another boy in the ‘cool gang’. Another group, who my son thinks are harmless called him a ‘heart stopper’. He is very good looking and tall but I’m worried that there is a rumour going around that he’s gay and this is a reference to the Netflix show.

I don’t care if he is gay but children can be cruel. I’ve asked him gently, but I don’t think that’s even on the radar for him yet. I feel he’s so focused on his academic studies that relationships are not on the radar yet.

I just want to know whether this is a teenage term for calling someone gay and also how I can help my son with friendships. He really is a wonderful human being - kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and really interesting but he just can’t seem to find friends that are loyal - he feels that they all move away from him eventually and it’s destroying his confidence and breaking his (and my) heart.

He sounds like he has ASD. It’s the sounding a bit pompous and superior that stands out to me.

OP, don’t bother engaging with those who think you are saying your son is better than others. There are just some people who love criticising and tearing others down. That is not at all how your post comes across, you are simply providing context.

I am afraid I also think that he is being pushed out and being bullied (or at least the beginnings of being bullied) and I would alert the school to it so they can keep an eye.

Children won’t always find common ground with the few people they meet in childhood. It sounds like your son will more likely find his tribe when the net for friends can be cast wider and with people who have opted to do the same things as him - probably university or hopefully sooner like sixth form/college. I’m the meantime, perhaps try to facilitate him seeing his friends from clubs so he has a social life outside school?

And my view is that children should be encouraged to be themselves and not pretend to like or not like the things they do like or dislike, simply for the sake of social conformity. It’s really important that you ensure his self esteem doesn’t take a hit during this period and that he feels comfortable being his own person and having his own views. Just reinforce the fact that teenagedom is short, and adulthood long and being comfortable in himself will be best in the long term.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment.

I do think a few people have misunderstood my son but that’s because they’ve only got a very small snippet of my son to go on and so I understand that they might think he’s pompous. He perhaps does have a mild trait of autism, however, there are no other signs and it could be down to his experience as an only child with two parents who have always treated him like an adult and had grown up conversations (obviously age appropriate!). He doesn’t have any cousins anywhere near his age nor do we live in an area where he could play with children ‘in the street’. We are more mature parents too and so he’s missed out on the opportunity to be ‘silly’ as he’s always been surrounded mainly by adults.

The fact is, he’s not in the slightest bit pompous or acting superior. He is kind, sensitive, intelligent, well read, knowledgeable and very deep. However, he never uses any of his ‘gifts’ against anyone else. Teachers always remark how lovely he is to other students and helps them with problems e.g. maths (even those who have been unkind to him). It’s what they’ve told me since he started school - they wish they had 20 of my son. When he plays cricket, he is so motivational and never puts people down. When he plays rugby, which is not his main sport, he is respectful and supportive, again, even to those who are unkind to him. I would rather have my son as he is than someone who bullies others.

His ‘flaw’ is that he struggles with ‘fitting’ in with children his own age and he is losing his confidence, and we are going to work on that.

I really do believe that he will find his tribe one day and just hope that he gets through these next couple of years. Many of the comments have reassured me that he’s not alone and there is hope. I have things to work on with him.

Thank you so much Mums. 💐

He’s really not pompous nor does he act superior - he’s just being honest about what type of interaction he enjoys. He would never put anyone down. I have considered ASD but only because of his struggles with interacting with children his own age. However, it’s not all the time and children do seem to like him, especially when he his in the out of school clubs where there’s a mix of children.

He doesn’t have any difficulties having conversations with adults and doesn’t display any of the physical traits of ASD such as lack of eye contact or ability to listen and respond - it’s just finding something to say to children his own age and the fact that he’s being bullied by some members of the ‘cool gang’ - pretty much the same ones who have bullied him since he was 3 that we have an issue with and that even his close friends have been ostracising him lately by excluding him - but that could be self preservation if they see he’s being bullied.

it really is heartbreaking as a parent to see this happen to such a kind boy.

And this is how kids grow up thinking it’s ok to bully people that are different from them. Randomly diagnosing a child and using insulting language because… well why, because he doesn’t like the same things as other kids? There’s absolutely nothing in OP’s posts to suggest the boy is ‘pompous’, that’s all in your head. It seems like a good few people on the thread can’t bear the idea that a teenager not conforming and therefore they have to be insulting and dismissive. It’s the definition of bullying!

Honestly your son sounds like he’s just a bit of an older soul than the kids he knows at the moment. In a different school or even a different year group things might have been different, so perhaps another location for 6th form could help. A friend’s daughter had a very similar mid-end school experience. Had always been fine with her school group at primary but ended up in a secondary where a lot of the children lived locally, she was a bit further away. She’d travelled a lot with her family, spent a lot of time with adults as an only child, and was really into art but not much else. Hated school because she was quite isolated but left and went to a 6th form in the nearest city with a much more mixed group of kids and found her people. It’s not about being better or superior, some people find it easy to find things in common and some are a bit more niche. Your son sounds lovely, I’m sure he will be ok.

I completely agree. The idea that just because some people think differently to others or are interested in different things means they are pompous or superior such that they need to be taken down a peg or two, is pretty disgusting.

This thread reminds me a bit of one a while back from a mum who didn’t want to have deep conversations with her daughter. It was really odd, people who agreed with that OP seemed determined to see ‘intellectual’ as ‘thinking you’re superior’ and in need of bringing down. Why is there no space for variety? We must all like the same TV, music, conversation topics etc or be diagnosed and mocked by strangers.

Your son sounds lovely OP, and I'm sure he will find his tribe. I agree with the PP you quoted that he shouldn't have to change what he likes to fit in, and when he goes out more into the world he will absolutely connect with people who are on the same wavelength. That has been very much the case for me.

My son is also an only child and around lots of adults and the fact that he is not necessarily a typical boy who likes typical boy things does make it harder for him socially. But there is nothing wrong with being different, and it doesn't mean your son is either pompous or has ASD as some have suggested! Talk about trying to dismiss or cut people down to size, I think those posters should really take a look at what they are saying.

As for the heartstopper comment, I'd keep an eye on it but reassure my son that those kids are homophobic morons and it's not really worth paying attention to what they think!

Ok. You don’t sound like you think he’s better than anyone else IMO so don’t worry about that.

14 is rough! Have two grown up ones, both sexes and 14 was a horrible age for both of them. Can you just ask him? They could be insinuating he’s gay or they may just mean he’s good looking. I wouldn’t lay awake at night over this OP unless he specifically seems to be really struggling. Almost everyone finds this age tough, he’ll get there. Just keep a close eye out, keep talking to him but as long as he’s okay and doesn’t seem depressed I really wouldn’t worry too much.

I was surprised how many took it that way and some of the comments do verge on bullying and ostracising my son who is the one who is suffering. I have actually considered that some of the behaviour from the ‘cool gang’ has come from the parents as it is known that my son is a ‘teacher’s pet’ which my son detests but cannot bring himself to be anything but considerate and friendly to the teachers. I agree perhaps I was a bit clumsy with how I quoted my son which may have made him sound pompous.

However, if someone said that their child is really good at football and doesn’t enjoy talking about chess, they wouldn’t say s/he was acting pompous - they would agree that it’s not their interest, but when anyone says their child is an intellectual, it sounds pompous. It is just a facet of his personality.

It's not about him changing who he is, just learning to be flexible in his approach and to adapt to the situation, social intelligence is a very useful life skill. I love a deep conversation but I don't have deep conversations with all the people all the time.