14yr old old with ADHD - exhausted from it

[Newname29]

My daughter is 14 and diagnosed with ADHD. Her behaviour and attitude has gotten worse and Ive had enough. She is very sociable and is in a sports club and drama group. She point bank refused to go to drama tonight because her 2 friends weren't going. She was at this nonsense beifre Christmas .

I asked her at Christmss if she wanted to rejoin and she said yes. I warned her that meant going even if her friends weren't going and ahe said ikay so last week I paid £100 for the term.

Last week she was sick.and now this week refusing to go. Ive taken her phone and cleared her Rwvolut of the money for the money for the class so she has nothing in it. I'm so sick of her attitude. I got called a cunt today because I spoke to her about being late for school again yesterday. OH is constantly called fat and a feak.

I know kids with teenager are less nature but this is unreal. I am kot putting up with this anymore. Its so embarrassing to contact the lady from the club once again because she is too immature to go without a friend.. I wouldn't mind but she is so friendly and makes friends really easily too.

I dont even know why I am posting. I am so upset. Ive given her so much support and been her advocate for so long over the years in school snd in life.

Wow just because she has ADHD, has nothing to do with her lack of manners and rudeness. I was never like that as a teen!

How dare she speak to you both that way! What are her repercussions? Whatbdoes she do when you reprimand her or take her devices?

Firstly why punish her for not wanting to go without friends?

Medication?

got called a cunt today because I spoke to her about being late for school again yesterday. OH is constantly called fat and a feak.

NOTHING to do with ADHD
NOTHING to do with being a teen
EVERYTHING to do with being profoundly disrespectful and rude

My dd is 14 and diagnosed. She would refuse to go to clubs other friends went. I didn’t understand then but I appreciate it now - she is to anxious to go in alone. She struggles going into school if no one is in either.

My son has ADHD but is 10. He struggles in social situations and does rely on friends being there so we see this a lot.
I would also say that ADHD does not excuse rudeness and name calling. It's a non-negotiable in our house and consequences.

With the lateness, this is a major ADHD thing. There are things we let slide and out measures in place to support and time management is one of these. It can feel like all you do is nag (it does to me) and they feel it so acutely and it always feels unfair as it feels so out of their control.

I don’t have much advice Op, the teenage years can be hard, even more when neurodivergent, my son is same age, he’s autistic and my god his attitude stinks at times! I’m hoping it will get easier! I am forever trying to set firm boundaries and he can be plain awful! I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone 💗

While it doesn’t excuse the name calling it does sound like you’re not seeing things from her side and you’ve two separate issues- I used to get so nervous about classes I adored and if I found out the teacher was going to be different or I wouldn’t know people there I’d be terrified and fake being sick. Taking her money because she doesn’t want to go is a separate issue to her being a rude teen! You all need to calm down (meant in a nice way but nothings going to happen with everyone losing it

She gets her devices taken away and then does apologise but its a vicious cycle

Because I let her do this before Christmas and she maybe made 6 classes out of 10. It is expensive. I also had the discussion with her during Christmas that this isnt sustainable and she agreed

I havw an appointment with the GP tomorrow for a referral to a paediatrician to discuss medication

I take your point but she is extremely friendly and chatty and the class friends are very flaky so she is missing so many classes

So only recently diagnosed?

No she was diagnosed in 2017

@Newname29my DD is on the face of it - you would never realise. But if her 2 or 3 ‘safe’ people are not in school she doesn’t want to go.

I am usually very calm and patient with her but her attitude and being called a cunt today probably tipped me over.

It hasn't been an issue up until now. She has severe dyslexia and that has been more of an issue in recent years and we've inputted loads into that at home and in school. The rage is recent, really since she got her period about 7 months ago

My son was like that but is much better now.

DD hasn't been like that up until now. She has always been a social butterfly and happy to mix with new people

But she’s like this now and you’re punishing her for it. Then getting abuse back from her when you punish her. That’s hardly surprising.

I get it’s hugely frustrating. My dd is 17 and will be taking her A levels soon. She is the same with needing safe people in school and has missed lessons because of it. She went to a lesson for the first time without her crutch being in and it is something to be celebrated rather than punished beforehand.

It isn’t fair to expect an anxious, neurodivergent child, who understands the situation is unsustainable, to do anything about it before she’s ready. Recognition comes well before action. Cancelling the course would have been a punishment as well. The way round it is to encourage. To prepare your dd in advance. To brainstorm strategies together.

In your position I would apologise to your dd for punishing her for her neurodivergence. Explain that this doesn’t excuse her behaviour and the way she spoke to you. However, you’re feeling your way through this and want to look for ways to better support her.

It is important to stay connected with our kids. It’s how we keep them safe. And believe me, what you’ve been subjected to is nothing right now in comparison to what could happen. You really don't want to be looking back in a couple of years time when your dd hits 16/17 and is completely out of control, risky behaviour around sex and drugs and won’t listen to you because you got mad at her for £100.

As for the comments about your partner, what is going on there? This needs to be addressed separately as does the name calling for being late. Why is she getting so annoyed? Hormones or are you getting annoyed with her? If you’re in anyway being hostile, you’re going to get serious kick back. I have to be super super calm with my dd and I used to be a bit of a bull in a China shop through sheer exasperation. So I get it.

It’s draining supporting a child with additional needs, especially when you may have additional needs yourself. I can see you’re at the end of your tether. And if you’re acting towards your dd as you come across in your op, you’re going to get serious kick back. Less is actually more. And speaking kindly and gently will coax her out of her shell a lot faster than pushing her as this will only push her away and in the opposite direction from you want her to go. I get it all possibly springs from a place of anxiety on your part but for her it will feel like aggression… and I speak from experience of this. Both on the receiving end from my mother and how I used to be with my dd.

Please DO NOT apologise to your child for disciplining them. You and your OH deserve a base level of respect. ND kids need parenting and boundaries too and calling people a Fat Freak and a Cunt and wasting your money is a pretty basic boundary.

This is mixing up the two. I said to separate them.

The disrespect needs to be dealt with separately and (obviously) an appropriate immediate consequence for any particular incident. If everything gets mixed up, nothing ever gets resolved and op’s dd will just feel got at. And a teen will typically dig their heels in and withdraw. Whereas if op deals with each specific incident at a time, things will change.

Of course ND kids need boundaries. And as I say, they need each specific incident to be addressed rather than clubbing all the incidents together. It is also important to model when you as a parent get things wrong. Op is really fuming and my take (having done exactly this myself) is that she is throwing anger at her dd and her dd is responding to it… obviously coupled with teenage hormones and so forth. And as a teen, she is also goading her mum. Chicken, egg.

The anger at the partner needs to be addressed separately and for op to find out what is going on there. Is it jealousy? Is it feeling left out? Is there something bad going on?

Op is calling her dd immature rather than understanding her dd’s inability to go to the club stems from a place of fear. Apologising sets the slate clean and admit she’s putting pressure on her dd. At the end of the day, once the money is spent it’s a sunk cost. Op can own her behaviour without taking anything away from her dd’s poor behaviour. If anything, doing so is modelling behaviour she wants in her child.

I have had extensive experience of this stuff personally because of what my family is going through and am passing on the wisdom I’ve learned.

As for wasting money, that’s a separate issue again and punishing her for hee anxiety will only make her dd feel bad. On one level op’s dd understands about the money. On another level, she can’t help herself. Much more important is to scaffold her dd so that she can do these things alone. Perhaps not this time, but one day.

Myself and DD actually have an extremely close relationship so I'm not worried about losing the connection we have. She is pushing boundaries with her behaviour at the moment and it is very frustrating. For example last year she.was up and out the door in plenty of time for school. This year she is pushing back and leaving for school at the very last minute, even when she is ready.

The abusing me came.before the request to go to drama. And it was because I gave out to her because she got another late for school. Are you saying I shouldn't reprimand her at all?

You do know with a neurodivergent child that they are all different amd need different approaches? What works for your child may not work for mine

I agree and I won't be apologising. She had no phone last night and did apologise ans had a cuddle. I will be sitting her down today and having a good chat about what is acceptable going forward.

You are making a lot of assumptions here and speaking like you know my daughter. She doesn't have anxiety. She gets.fixed ideas in her head. And one idea at.the moment is that she is not going to drama without a certain friend being there.

She makes up her mind and even though she enjoys drama and is.popular and friendly she wonr go. That is frustrating.