14yr old old with ADHD - exhausted from it

[Newname29]

My daughter is 14 and diagnosed with ADHD. Her behaviour and attitude has gotten worse and Ive had enough. She is very sociable and is in a sports club and drama group. She point bank refused to go to drama tonight because her 2 friends weren't going. She was at this nonsense beifre Christmas .

I asked her at Christmss if she wanted to rejoin and she said yes. I warned her that meant going even if her friends weren't going and ahe said ikay so last week I paid £100 for the term.

Last week she was sick.and now this week refusing to go. Ive taken her phone and cleared her Rwvolut of the money for the money for the class so she has nothing in it. I'm so sick of her attitude. I got called a cunt today because I spoke to her about being late for school again yesterday. OH is constantly called fat and a feak.

I know kids with teenager are less nature but this is unreal. I am kot putting up with this anymore. Its so embarrassing to contact the lady from the club once again because she is too immature to go without a friend.. I wouldn't mind but she is so friendly and makes friends really easily too.

I dont even know why I am posting. I am so upset. Ive given her so much support and been her advocate for so long over the years in school snd in life.

It's cost her mum and dad money, only for her to be an oddball and change her mind again.

@Newname29 i have the same with my 10 years old. Get told she wishes I would die, I’m fat and ugly and everyone hates me etc. It’s awful and soul destroying

However, I do think it’s linked to the ADHD. It’s that frustration, lack of impulse control and dysregulation of mood. I also take screens away etc and it has no impact, as at that point in time she literally can’t help herself

So no advice unfortunately, but solidarity. It’s crap

Where did I say she doesn't go to school? I said she's late for school. You sound seriously angry, please read the thread properly

It definitely is linked to ADHD. I am on an ADHD Facwbook page and it is littered with posts from parents who say their kids have angry outbursts.

Sorry you are going through it too

I think you need to re-educate yourself. It absolutely is. I'm not saying it is acceptable. My daughter will have to learn to manage this

https://www.additudemag.com/anger-issues-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/?srsltid=AfmBOoricU6Vsoq019VR_jxubJAwMajwio5Zb35G4ygETpjvKSOVeS5f

Will be saying this to the consultant 100%

She is in school. She goes in everyday she just leaves it to the wire and is late somedays. When I say late I mean 5 minutes late not hours

Deduct the classes missed from any pocket money she receives.

I think you need to choose your battles.

Can you cancel drama completely and get your money back?

She won’t go if her friends aren’t going. If that isn’t acceptable to you cancel the class. Frankly I’d be tempted to cancel the class even if I couldn’t get the money back to avoid the headache/arguments every week.

Or you accept that she will do the class only with the friend. I get it’s frustrating and annoying but having this kind of argument over it is pointless.

Screens and devices. Screens do different things to ADHD brains. I would be tempted by a full screen detox for a month or so. Use the time not on screens to do more together or get her to pick up a hobby she can do from home? Try it and see if it makes a difference.

Taking away a phone, having a cuddle and giving it back again and again doesn’t really solve anything.

Teenagers, neurodiversity and hormones are hard xx

Will be saying this to the consultant 100%

She is in school. She goes in everyday she just leaves it to the wire and is late somedays. When I say late I mean 5 minutes late not hours

She's not rolling up at lunch. She is about 5 mins late and missing the roll call. She is not missing any classes.

Am I the only one with a ND child who thinks going to 6/10 social clubs/classes is a win?

Being late for things is definitely an ADHD thing, understanding how long things take and the steps that need to happen is hard.

Heck as an adult I’m 5 minutes late to lots of places.

That’s probably something she probably needs more support with than telling off

I spoke to her this morning and said it is okay to leave the class after this term but she said she wants to continue. I think I will have to accept the not attending without friends thing. Usually I am laid back but after getting a barrage of abuse early yesterday afternoon my patience was gone.

She has a lot of hobbies (sport/drama/dance) and is very sociable with friends at the weekends.

I will take the screen off her earlier in the evening. She does accept and is okay with this. It was just a bad evening yesterday and you're right it is very hard with hormones and ND at times.

If she had anxiety it would be an absolute win but this is more of a herd mentality thing with her. Again every ND child is different

She was going to school early last year. This year its a pushing boundaries thing. She gets loads of support with time management and getting out the door. She is choosing not to leave on time

Nope. Same here. The fact is, the set of classes costs £100 whether you go or not. And as a parent of a ND child you have to decide if you can afford it or not, and if you are prepared to pay for a number of classes that might be missed, or not. The answer to those questions will dictate whether your child joins the group or not. You can’t view it as if they join they have to go to every class, or you end up having stresses and fights that will make things worse for everyone. It’s a battle you can choose not to have. Honestly if you will only pay for a group on the basis that your child goes to every class, you risk your child never being able to do anything. Choosing only to go if friend do is entirely on brand for my ND child.

@Newname29The swearing is not acceptable and should be addressed, but it is coming from anger around things which are out of control for your teen. They can’t help being late or having an obsession (e.g only wanting to go if certain people are there). Your role is to help guide them through this, not be angry at them for showing traits of ADHD.

The appointment won't be until April. We dont live in the UK and accessing a paediatrician/psychiatrist to look at meds privately is very hard. This person's books were closed until January this year (I enquired last year)

I agree. As mentioned up thread I think my patience had evaporated after the abuse earlier in the day.

I usually have way more patience and empathy for her but the abuse earlier in the day and her being deliberately late for school meant it was in short supply last night.

ND and anxiety go hand in hand, I think you are minimising her struggles.

ADHD related or not, OP your DDs use of the C-word is upsetting. Calling her DF a fat freak, what is going on?

Where does this come from. She is obviously exposed to this kind of language and attitude.

I know all DC are exposed to it at school. There was a thread the other day where a teacher said a primary school child had used the MF word (apologies, I do not swear). Welcome to the real world.

I presume you do not use this kind language.

Your DD, is insecure and struggling with adolescence as they all are.

Peer presence, influence and pressure are all that there is for your DD at this time of her life. I see it in my DGD, 14, thankfully there is nothing to worry about in her case.

But do try to maintain a good relationship with your DD, because the more arguments and expletive outbursts the more she will push back, which is so damaging. 14 year old should not be saying things like that to their DPs.

Being late with ADHD is not deliberate.