Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Angry teen girl

61 replies

AEEG · 29/12/2025 15:22

Hi. My 14 year old daughter used to be so confident and out going. Nothing fazed her. She had lovely friends all through primary and she sailed through. (She’s always been the sass queen and the one to answer back…second child syndrome but nothing major, never in my life did I think I’d have a problem with her).
As soon as she started high school things changed. She moved away from her lovely friends and went to the popular girls. With that comes a lot of bitchyness. She wasn’t used to that. She started refusing school and getting more and more angry. Changed the way she spoke (from a lovely little accent speaking properly to a chavvy angry voice) her attitude and respect towards me and her sister got worse. Then school became a bigger problem. We tried dragging her in. Didn’t work I was making her anxiety worse. Tried taking her phone/ipad. Made her worse as I was just isolating her. I changed her schools and that didn’t help. She turned 14 last Oct and stopped going to school (currently fighting for section 19 but that’s another story) I thought removing the pressure and stress of school would help. But she’s got worse, she hardly goes out now. Won’t do anything with me and her sister when she used to love our girly weekends away. Gets overwhelmed and embarrassed very very easily which comes across to others as her just being very rude as she struggles to interact. We had to leave our meal Xmas eve because she got so overwhelmed, then she gets upset. I did manage to calm her down and we went back so she is trying some of the time. When she’s with her friends she so much better and will do so much more, they give her confidence. They are lovely girls but they aren’t like her. They go to parties drinking etc and these are who she’s got the ‘new voice’ from (although I have noticed her old little nice accent coming back) they seem to be allowed to do way more than I would allow, she does go to the parties and loves them but she comes home sober as a judge and her friends are drunk. I hear her on the phone to them pretending she was drunk but she absolutely wasn’t. The councillor said she’s very lost and trying to fit in with the popular girls but that’s not really her. So she takes all her anger and frustration out on me. She doesn’t listen to a word I say although my biggest boundary is that she always answers her phone and never turns her location off. She has never ever let me down (touch wood) so the councillor says she does have respect or she would cross that boundary like her friends do but she never has. If I ask her to sit at the table for tea like we always have she won’t, she would rather not eat. So now because I want her to eat she eats in her room. Never comes and sits down stairs. I am a single self employed parent who works from home so I am very lucky I’m very flexible. I hardly go out because I give her all my time (I wouldn’t change that. She’s my priority) in 2024 me and my girls went away for the weekend 10 times and she loved everyone of those trips. I want that girl back. Now she won’t do anything with me and She speaks to me like sh1t. I honestly feel like she hates me even tho I’m so calm and I don’t react to anything. I treat her so much to try and make her feel better and I’m always telling her how proud I am of her. I always invite her everywhere I go but she’ll never come. When me and her dad was together we were part of his big family and always with cousins etc but now we’ve split (we’re still great friends) but his family don’t really bother with my girls now so she’s gone from that to me her, her sister and grandad. As I have no mum brothers sister aunties. It’s literally us. So I totally get she feels so lonely and let down. I do think she maybe has some traits of autism and she had server EBSA. I’m just so worried this will escalate. Is this just a teenage phase? I get it’s a bit more than that but will it just be hormones and growing up figuring out who she is? Will it pass as she matures and realises it’s okay to be the real her. Please tell me she will come back and not be this person she’s trying to be to fit in. Please someone give me some hope who’s been through this and out the other side and now has their lovely child back.

OP posts:
PixieDust91 · 29/12/2025 18:43

You raised a spoiled brat. Instead of being her best friend, its time to parent. Way past time. I can't imagine my parents leaving any event because I was throwing a tantrum as a damn teen!!! And refusing to go to school???? And the best you can do is take away some of her First World toys and that didn't work because she's "isolated"???
Lmfao.

Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 19:06

PixieDust91 · 29/12/2025 18:43

You raised a spoiled brat. Instead of being her best friend, its time to parent. Way past time. I can't imagine my parents leaving any event because I was throwing a tantrum as a damn teen!!! And refusing to go to school???? And the best you can do is take away some of her First World toys and that didn't work because she's "isolated"???
Lmfao.

Loved not spoilt!!!!! Wow glad you’re not my parent, being made to stay somewhere when you’re having a panic attack. That’s not good parenting!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 19:44

PixieDust91 · 29/12/2025 18:43

You raised a spoiled brat. Instead of being her best friend, its time to parent. Way past time. I can't imagine my parents leaving any event because I was throwing a tantrum as a damn teen!!! And refusing to go to school???? And the best you can do is take away some of her First World toys and that didn't work because she's "isolated"???
Lmfao.

I can tell you wasn’t raised with love and care! Very bitter!!!

OP posts:
Kindhandsplease · 29/12/2025 20:22

@AEEGthat sounds really hard, and it’s lucky she has supportive mum!
I am a mum to a son with AuDHD so have read ALOT about it, and you might be right that she has some ASD traits, and that she is masking so much when with her friends, she’s burnt out from trying to fit it.

If this is the case a lot of her behaviour is out of her control, it’s great she’s getting counselling, and hopefully that will help her understand her triggers and how to deal with her emotions more.

Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 20:33

Kindhandsplease · 29/12/2025 20:22

@AEEGthat sounds really hard, and it’s lucky she has supportive mum!
I am a mum to a son with AuDHD so have read ALOT about it, and you might be right that she has some ASD traits, and that she is masking so much when with her friends, she’s burnt out from trying to fit it.

If this is the case a lot of her behaviour is out of her control, it’s great she’s getting counselling, and hopefully that will help her understand her triggers and how to deal with her emotions more.

Edited

Thankyou so much xx

OP posts:
RachTheAlpaca · 29/12/2025 22:06

I'd remove all social media access, delete all accounts etc. At 14 she isn't ready for it all, it's destroying her brain. Kids are getting smart phones and iPads way too young and it's causing so many problems

Original poster
AEEG · 29/12/2025 22:10

RachTheAlpaca · 29/12/2025 22:06

I'd remove all social media access, delete all accounts etc. At 14 she isn't ready for it all, it's destroying her brain. Kids are getting smart phones and iPads way too young and it's causing so many problems

I totally agree but if I do that she loses all contact with her friends.

OP posts:
Mummykelly78 · 29/12/2025 22:11

Previous posters will hate me then 😂my kids mental health comes before any attendance rate: we have 4 asd/ashd each capable of different things at different times . I’ve cut one child down from ganging herself twice when she was an over stimulated/ overwhelmed . Wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy . Asd In girls frequently goes un noticed… follow your gut feeling. That’s how all mine are safe and well xx

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 29/12/2025 22:15

PixieDust91 · 29/12/2025 18:43

You raised a spoiled brat. Instead of being her best friend, its time to parent. Way past time. I can't imagine my parents leaving any event because I was throwing a tantrum as a damn teen!!! And refusing to go to school???? And the best you can do is take away some of her First World toys and that didn't work because she's "isolated"???
Lmfao.

That is a vile and unsupportive comment. If you have nothing helpful to say don’t say anything.

shellster80 · 29/12/2025 22:19

Mama I see you, I feel you and I hear you. My son is 15 and was the same in his little supportive village primary, absolutely sailed through with barely an issue, was prefect, head boy, always child several times over and at the start of year 6 was hitting end of year 7 targets. He was flying and both I and his teachers were excited for the opportunity that secondary would bring. Well

shellster80 · 29/12/2025 22:22

don’t know what happened to the rest 6weeks into secondary he was self harming. He’s 15 and it’s been a roller coaster, we are still deep in the trenches and finally under CAHMS. Keep doing what you’re doing, keep showing up, keep offering and keep supporting because she sees it. I know it doesn’t seem like it but she does. You are her safe space. And take some support for yourself as it’s a lonely old road

damsondamsel · 29/12/2025 22:28

You sound like a really thoughtful mum and I'm sorry that you and your DD are going through this. This might be a stupid question but have you taken her to the GP about her panic attack and the anxiety around school? I know you mentioned a councillor, is this from school or CAMHS?

I think a lot of it will be temporary as she's at a difficult age with loads of big hormonal changes going on as well as social and academic pressures. She is obviously experimenting with her identity (accent changes, etc) and wanting to fit in, which is normal.

What's not normal is the level of anxiety, distress and overwhelm that she's experiencing. This might be in part due to all the change and loss she's been dealing with family wise. So it's important to make sure that any mental health stuff (or neurodiversity) is identified and managed with the right help.

Her behaviour will obviously improve a lot when she is less stressed out and more comfortable with herself. So I would look at this as a difficult phase that she can be supported through, not a sign of things to come.

Monstermissy36 · 29/12/2025 22:30

You need to talk to parents who have experienced this… no one else will get it.

my ds 18 has been very similar and only now feel we are coming out of the other side. He’s a delight now but I feel like I’ve just dragged myself out of the trenches of war. It’s been a journey. Take any support she will engage with and lead with love and patience and be on her side is my only advice tbh… easier said than done sometimes and I didn’t always manage it.

my son has asd and coped amazingly at his village primary but high school completely unravelled him.

Wayk · 29/12/2025 22:30

Pick your battles. It is very hard to deal with but by choosing your battles you have less arguments. Also it may be worth asking her does she want to invite friends over every so often?

Plumnora · 29/12/2025 22:36

I think so many of them are going through this now.
I blame phones and social media massively. They all want to be like influencers but they lack the maturity to think stuff through.
My 13 year old ran away in November. She's been 13 for less than 3 weeks. Meeting a boy she'd met online. Got a train, at night, travelled through London (walked through London from one station to another).
She'd told me he used to be a pupil at her school but had moved away to another area but this turned out not to be the case.
She's also been writing suicide notes, self harming, has declared herself non binary and wants to change her name at school. All her friends call her by her chosen gender neutral name. They're all doing it.
We're living through the pioneers days of the internet and social media is completely unregulated for these kids. It's a different world where they're all playing a character and not really being themselves.
Of course all this is part of being a teen but it's so much more complicated now because they're being fed all this stuff that they feel they have to become. They want to impress their peers by whatever means necessary.
All you can do is let her know how loved she is and that you're there for her.
Removing social media won't work because this is their world. But work g with her to set some boundaries might help. Can you work together and agree in some compromises? Difficult I know as my DD just reinstalls apps I've asked her to delete.
She will get through this. So will you.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/12/2025 22:37

Paragraphs.

SazKaka · 29/12/2025 22:43

Seriously, ignore the horrid comment from PixieDust91, unnecessary.
Such a confusing time for girls. Hormones play a really big part.
I would see if you can get a homeopathic input. They can be so helpful.
There‘s a book I read called Queen Bees and Wannabes which gives an insight into the behaviour of teen girls.
Good luck. With a caring mum like you she will come out the other side.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 22:59

Has she been bullied or sexually assaulted at school? Those would explain school refusal.

With her eating upstairs, I wonder if she's developed an eating disorder?

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 23:01

Plumnora · 29/12/2025 22:36

I think so many of them are going through this now.
I blame phones and social media massively. They all want to be like influencers but they lack the maturity to think stuff through.
My 13 year old ran away in November. She's been 13 for less than 3 weeks. Meeting a boy she'd met online. Got a train, at night, travelled through London (walked through London from one station to another).
She'd told me he used to be a pupil at her school but had moved away to another area but this turned out not to be the case.
She's also been writing suicide notes, self harming, has declared herself non binary and wants to change her name at school. All her friends call her by her chosen gender neutral name. They're all doing it.
We're living through the pioneers days of the internet and social media is completely unregulated for these kids. It's a different world where they're all playing a character and not really being themselves.
Of course all this is part of being a teen but it's so much more complicated now because they're being fed all this stuff that they feel they have to become. They want to impress their peers by whatever means necessary.
All you can do is let her know how loved she is and that you're there for her.
Removing social media won't work because this is their world. But work g with her to set some boundaries might help. Can you work together and agree in some compromises? Difficult I know as my DD just reinstalls apps I've asked her to delete.
She will get through this. So will you.

She's also been writing suicide notes, self harming, has declared herself non binary and wants to change her name at school.

I smell autism, puberty rejection, and sexual assault. Autistic girls were massively over-represented at the Tavi gender clinic.

Bamboozledbylife · 29/12/2025 23:07

PixieDust91 · 29/12/2025 18:43

You raised a spoiled brat. Instead of being her best friend, its time to parent. Way past time. I can't imagine my parents leaving any event because I was throwing a tantrum as a damn teen!!! And refusing to go to school???? And the best you can do is take away some of her First World toys and that didn't work because she's "isolated"???
Lmfao.

What a dickhead comment

Original poster
AEEG · 30/12/2025 00:52

shellster80 · 29/12/2025 22:22

don’t know what happened to the rest 6weeks into secondary he was self harming. He’s 15 and it’s been a roller coaster, we are still deep in the trenches and finally under CAHMS. Keep doing what you’re doing, keep showing up, keep offering and keep supporting because she sees it. I know it doesn’t seem like it but she does. You are her safe space. And take some support for yourself as it’s a lonely old road

That’s what everyone says. I’m her safe place so I get the brunt of it. Thankyou so much xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 30/12/2025 00:54

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 29/12/2025 22:59

Has she been bullied or sexually assaulted at school? Those would explain school refusal.

With her eating upstairs, I wonder if she's developed an eating disorder?

No, that started when the friendship group started to fall out. I think high school is too overwhelming. Primary school was very nurturing. Secondary was so different. She does eat but not very much. Because she always has tummy ache. From the anxiety. Tbh I just let her eat what she will at the moment so at least she’s eating. I’ve always made healthy meals but now it’s chips every day for her at the moment 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 30/12/2025 00:59

damsondamsel · 29/12/2025 22:28

You sound like a really thoughtful mum and I'm sorry that you and your DD are going through this. This might be a stupid question but have you taken her to the GP about her panic attack and the anxiety around school? I know you mentioned a councillor, is this from school or CAMHS?

I think a lot of it will be temporary as she's at a difficult age with loads of big hormonal changes going on as well as social and academic pressures. She is obviously experimenting with her identity (accent changes, etc) and wanting to fit in, which is normal.

What's not normal is the level of anxiety, distress and overwhelm that she's experiencing. This might be in part due to all the change and loss she's been dealing with family wise. So it's important to make sure that any mental health stuff (or neurodiversity) is identified and managed with the right help.

Her behaviour will obviously improve a lot when she is less stressed out and more comfortable with herself. So I would look at this as a difficult phase that she can be supported through, not a sign of things to come.

Edited

Thankyou so much. Yes we’ve been to the doctors about 10 times! They send me packing basically. I fought to put her on the pill to try and regulate her hormones. Then just before Christmas they finally gave her propanalol but tbh it doesn’t really do anything. Cahms have rejected her twice as she’s no risk 😩. I got a private councillor but even that overwhelms her as she doesn’t like all the questions as she doesn’t know the answers. It just breaks my heart my happy little girl has gone. I will keep fighting for education and get the councillor back when dd is ready to interact. I will keep loving her and taking her out of situations which are making her worse @PixieDust91 !!!!! And hopefully I will soon get my baby girl back but just as a big teen girl. Thanks so much xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 30/12/2025 01:02

SazKaka · 29/12/2025 22:43

Seriously, ignore the horrid comment from PixieDust91, unnecessary.
Such a confusing time for girls. Hormones play a really big part.
I would see if you can get a homeopathic input. They can be so helpful.
There‘s a book I read called Queen Bees and Wannabes which gives an insight into the behaviour of teen girls.
Good luck. With a caring mum like you she will come out the other side.

Thankyou so much. I am ignoring @PixieDust91 obviously a bitter person!!

I will look into those books and hopefully we will be out of this awful stage soon enough. I will just keep on loving and supporting her xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AEEG · 30/12/2025 01:03

Monstermissy36 · 29/12/2025 22:30

You need to talk to parents who have experienced this… no one else will get it.

my ds 18 has been very similar and only now feel we are coming out of the other side. He’s a delight now but I feel like I’ve just dragged myself out of the trenches of war. It’s been a journey. Take any support she will engage with and lead with love and patience and be on her side is my only advice tbh… easier said than done sometimes and I didn’t always manage it.

my son has asd and coped amazingly at his village primary but high school completely unravelled him.

Only 4 years to go 🫣. Thankyou. That does give me some hope. Can’t wait to call her a delight again 🥰

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread