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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Angry teen girl

61 replies

AEEG · 29/12/2025 15:22

Hi. My 14 year old daughter used to be so confident and out going. Nothing fazed her. She had lovely friends all through primary and she sailed through. (She’s always been the sass queen and the one to answer back…second child syndrome but nothing major, never in my life did I think I’d have a problem with her).
As soon as she started high school things changed. She moved away from her lovely friends and went to the popular girls. With that comes a lot of bitchyness. She wasn’t used to that. She started refusing school and getting more and more angry. Changed the way she spoke (from a lovely little accent speaking properly to a chavvy angry voice) her attitude and respect towards me and her sister got worse. Then school became a bigger problem. We tried dragging her in. Didn’t work I was making her anxiety worse. Tried taking her phone/ipad. Made her worse as I was just isolating her. I changed her schools and that didn’t help. She turned 14 last Oct and stopped going to school (currently fighting for section 19 but that’s another story) I thought removing the pressure and stress of school would help. But she’s got worse, she hardly goes out now. Won’t do anything with me and her sister when she used to love our girly weekends away. Gets overwhelmed and embarrassed very very easily which comes across to others as her just being very rude as she struggles to interact. We had to leave our meal Xmas eve because she got so overwhelmed, then she gets upset. I did manage to calm her down and we went back so she is trying some of the time. When she’s with her friends she so much better and will do so much more, they give her confidence. They are lovely girls but they aren’t like her. They go to parties drinking etc and these are who she’s got the ‘new voice’ from (although I have noticed her old little nice accent coming back) they seem to be allowed to do way more than I would allow, she does go to the parties and loves them but she comes home sober as a judge and her friends are drunk. I hear her on the phone to them pretending she was drunk but she absolutely wasn’t. The councillor said she’s very lost and trying to fit in with the popular girls but that’s not really her. So she takes all her anger and frustration out on me. She doesn’t listen to a word I say although my biggest boundary is that she always answers her phone and never turns her location off. She has never ever let me down (touch wood) so the councillor says she does have respect or she would cross that boundary like her friends do but she never has. If I ask her to sit at the table for tea like we always have she won’t, she would rather not eat. So now because I want her to eat she eats in her room. Never comes and sits down stairs. I am a single self employed parent who works from home so I am very lucky I’m very flexible. I hardly go out because I give her all my time (I wouldn’t change that. She’s my priority) in 2024 me and my girls went away for the weekend 10 times and she loved everyone of those trips. I want that girl back. Now she won’t do anything with me and She speaks to me like sh1t. I honestly feel like she hates me even tho I’m so calm and I don’t react to anything. I treat her so much to try and make her feel better and I’m always telling her how proud I am of her. I always invite her everywhere I go but she’ll never come. When me and her dad was together we were part of his big family and always with cousins etc but now we’ve split (we’re still great friends) but his family don’t really bother with my girls now so she’s gone from that to me her, her sister and grandad. As I have no mum brothers sister aunties. It’s literally us. So I totally get she feels so lonely and let down. I do think she maybe has some traits of autism and she had server EBSA. I’m just so worried this will escalate. Is this just a teenage phase? I get it’s a bit more than that but will it just be hormones and growing up figuring out who she is? Will it pass as she matures and realises it’s okay to be the real her. Please tell me she will come back and not be this person she’s trying to be to fit in. Please someone give me some hope who’s been through this and out the other side and now has their lovely child back.

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 16:30

PensionedCruiser · 31/12/2025 14:55

Being as you are child free, I can confidently say that you have no idea about how difficult it is to parent a "difficult"child, regardless of what the issue is, but particularly one who has a neurodivergent diagnosis (I am aware that this doesn't apply to @AEEG). People like you, and your expectations of how children "should" behave today (not recognising that today's society accepts children as they are, not silent or little adults), are a major part of the strain it causes because you haven't a clue how difficult it might be to persuade our children to go out and encounter other people, let alone how difficult it is for them to shut down their personas and "fit in" with your unrealistic expectations. When my children were young, I often thought that their medical conditions were not the problem, but that other people were.

As an example, I was buying my child an ice-cream. She had a huge problem talking to people she did not know - she had selective mutism. I asked which flavour she wanted and she looked at the shop assistant and clearly said "I want a green (pistachio) one". That was an amazing step forward for her and her school teachers had been working on who she would talk to - but the assistant immediately went into a diatribe about "children today, not saying please ...." She had no idea about the momentous event that had just occurred with a 6 year old child and proceeded to ensure that child did not talk in shops for another 2 or 3 years.

You, and others, are perfectly entitled to think what you like about us and our children, but please, just stop and think before sharing those thoughts with us. There may well be something more going on than you can see and your overwhelming urge to tell us how awful (substitute your own word here) we are (or our children are) and what should be done about them, may well do more harm than good. Our grannies were right when they said that if you cannot find something positive to say, say nothing.

Show quote history

Thank you for your explanation.
You are right, I don't have anything positive to say.
All that said, I still wonder how I and my peers managed.

PolyVagalNerve · 31/12/2025 16:45

Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 16:30

Thank you for your explanation.
You are right, I don't have anything positive to say.
All that said, I still wonder how I and my peers managed.

Show quote history

@Luckyingame - you can’t compare -
the world today that children and young people are growing up in is very different -
think the developmental impact of Covid lockdowns
the impact of the smartphone / devices era
tne impact on interpersonal and social functioning
the impact on developmental delay
concentration/ focus / regulation dysfunction
read the anxious generation by J Haig
inform yourself first if u wish to contribute to discussions about parenting today’s kids - comparing with a previous era is not appropriate

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 17:02

Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 16:30

Thank you for your explanation.
You are right, I don't have anything positive to say.
All that said, I still wonder how I and my peers managed.

Show quote history

A lot of them didn't and ended up in borstals or in lunatic asylums.

Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 17:07

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 17:02

A lot of them didn't and ended up in borstals or in lunatic asylums.

Show quote history

Yes, that's very true.
I come from another country and that was common, as I mentioned, well being of parents was the priority.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 17:08

PensionedCruiser · 31/12/2025 14:55

Being as you are child free, I can confidently say that you have no idea about how difficult it is to parent a "difficult"child, regardless of what the issue is, but particularly one who has a neurodivergent diagnosis (I am aware that this doesn't apply to @AEEG). People like you, and your expectations of how children "should" behave today (not recognising that today's society accepts children as they are, not silent or little adults), are a major part of the strain it causes because you haven't a clue how difficult it might be to persuade our children to go out and encounter other people, let alone how difficult it is for them to shut down their personas and "fit in" with your unrealistic expectations. When my children were young, I often thought that their medical conditions were not the problem, but that other people were.

As an example, I was buying my child an ice-cream. She had a huge problem talking to people she did not know - she had selective mutism. I asked which flavour she wanted and she looked at the shop assistant and clearly said "I want a green (pistachio) one". That was an amazing step forward for her and her school teachers had been working on who she would talk to - but the assistant immediately went into a diatribe about "children today, not saying please ...." She had no idea about the momentous event that had just occurred with a 6 year old child and proceeded to ensure that child did not talk in shops for another 2 or 3 years.

You, and others, are perfectly entitled to think what you like about us and our children, but please, just stop and think before sharing those thoughts with us. There may well be something more going on than you can see and your overwhelming urge to tell us how awful (substitute your own word here) we are (or our children are) and what should be done about them, may well do more harm than good. Our grannies were right when they said that if you cannot find something positive to say, say nothing.

Show quote history

the assistant immediately went into a diatribe about "children today, not saying please ...."

That's the pot calling the kettle black, because she was aggressively rude herself. She could have smiled and said "We usually also say 'please'. Would you like a flake with that?" if she wasn't prepared to let it slide.

PensionedCruiser · 31/12/2025 18:34

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 31/12/2025 17:08

the assistant immediately went into a diatribe about "children today, not saying please ...."

That's the pot calling the kettle black, because she was aggressively rude herself. She could have smiled and said "We usually also say 'please'. Would you like a flake with that?" if she wasn't prepared to let it slide.

Show quote history

My years of experience with neurodivergent children has taught me that adults that I do not know and probably never see again are far ruder than my children ever were. (I was always very strict about making other people uncomfortable and would remove them from situations if they had meltdowns).

PensionedCruiser · 31/12/2025 18:35

Luckyingame · 31/12/2025 16:30

Thank you for your explanation.
You are right, I don't have anything positive to say.
All that said, I still wonder how I and my peers managed.

Show quote history

We did the best we could with the knowledge that was available to us. That's all anyone can do.

PensionedCruiser · 31/12/2025 18:38

PolyVagalNerve · 31/12/2025 16:45

@Luckyingame - you can’t compare -
the world today that children and young people are growing up in is very different -
think the developmental impact of Covid lockdowns
the impact of the smartphone / devices era
tne impact on interpersonal and social functioning
the impact on developmental delay
concentration/ focus / regulation dysfunction
read the anxious generation by J Haig
inform yourself first if u wish to contribute to discussions about parenting today’s kids - comparing with a previous era is not appropriate

Show quote history

This. Thank you @PolyVagalNerve

Badinfo · 31/12/2025 18:44

Ivyy · 31/12/2025 14:03

@Badinfocan I ask how you found out about the synthetic hormones and who prescribed the cream please? The contraceptive pill gave my daughter worse anxiety, emotions all over the place and very low mood. She had to stop taking it after a few months. The GP then suggested a progesterone only pill, saying she was probably sensitive to the synthetic oestrogen? I’ve only heard of using body identical hormones for menopause / HRT, can they be used for teen girls as well?

Show quote history

I found out through my own HRT journey, PMDD is a sign of estrogen dominance and as with HRT it's counteracted with progesterone. I buy the cream online, you can get cyclogest prescribed for severe PMDD but you will probably have to fight to get it as it is listed as a treatment for it but most GPs and even gynecologists aren't aware of the benefits, there's a lot of research out there but unfortunately it hasn't filtered through to the front line of the NHS and of course synthetic versions although not always helpful are a lot cheaper!

TeachWithMsL · 01/01/2026 20:13

I’m a secondary teacher so work a lot with teenagers and have experienced a lot of what you’re talking about. To me this sounds very much like it could be a female presentation of ASC or other neurodivergence - she may be masking heavily in social situations and then burning out. I would 100% get her screened for this - the NHS right to choose pathway or school SENCO would both be good options for this. Also, teenagers at that age can find themselves in cycles where they have quite low self-esteem and start to expect negative responses from adults and start to almost lean into that - breaking that cycle can be so powerful.

chaoticred · 04/01/2026 21:01

You sound like such a lovely mother! You’re doing your best and you should be proud of yourself too! As a younger person myself, I think anxiety is sadly common in young girls, especially when they reach secondary. My DP’s younger sister struggled with something similar.

I’m just wondering with her feeling overwhelmed and unable to answer questions, could she be autistic? It’s sometimes more difficult to identify in girls as they often mask it well. Could be worth exploring this with her and potentially GP? May help her feel more understand if her brain works differently. Just a thought anyway. All the best xx

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