Asking child to move out at 18

[HollyIvy89]

Has anyone done it. Why? Where did they go?

I left home permanently at 18, poor home life sadly. It was 1996 & I agree very different times, I found a lovely 1 bedroom flat in the local paper, no references required & it was £71 per week. I was at college part time & had a cafe & bar job & could afford to live but money was tight. Nowadays it's a room in a shared house with strangers for £675 per month including bills (this is what my BIL pays in the same town). My son is 18 & although he is capable of putting on the washing machine & cooking a meal he would not be earning enough to live, I'm hoping he stays at home & is able to progress with his career/earnings & save a deposit for his own place & realistically that's going to take years. I feel sorry for our younger generation 😔

Absolutely no judgement from me @HollyIvy89

In the end it didn't come to this but there were times in the couple of years before my son turned 18 where the thought that I had the freedom to say he must leave once he reached that age was the only thing that kept me going. The fact that things had got to that point also broke my heart in a way I cannot explain. When I had my children I never for one second imagined that would be my life. Neither did my wider family, all of whom are responsible, functional, stable etc like me and my ex-wife and have been incredibly supportive to us and our younger daughter.

I can entirely understand people being baffled and appalled at this if their child hasn't driven them to the brink of madness like mine did. Before I went through what I did with my son I'd probably have felt the same. But I can honestly say that there were times when I wasn't sure that I was going to make it through, physically or emotionally. And I'm not given to dramatics. I'm a three degree holding middle aged middle class calm responsible professional woman. As is my ex-wife, and we were both driven to contemplating telling him to leave. And we were living in separate homes and bouncing him between us as the pressure he had wrought on us effectively ended our long marriage.

I asked so many professionals for help from him being a young age. By the time he was 17 I remember saying to every professional I encountered that if I had described how I was being treated by an adult male in my own home I would have been told I was in a seriously abusive relationship and given support to leave. And in fact, if I'd refused to leave that male, and had chosen to remain along with my 12 year old daughter, I'd have been told I was at risk of losing her as a result (and judged by everyone on Mumsnet.) But because it was my 17 year old son putting me and my daughter through that...that's somehow different. Every single one of them agreed with me entirely.

As someone upthread said, abuse of mothers by their adult children is one of the great taboos of society.

Thankfully my son turned things around. He's over 18 and still here. He can be hard work but it's nothing like it was. He is growing and learning, and increasingly has moments of reflection and deep regret (which can also be hard to handle when he has evenings where he's emotionally broken looking back on what he put us through.)

When I hear of good women who have ejected their abusive adult sons I don't judge - I think there but for the grace of god go I.

I wish you strength 💐

Thank you. You’ve explained literally why I made the post. Hopefully others can somewhat understand what drives these thoughts. I do hope that mine can mature and reflect on what they currently are putting me through. I too routinely say if this was someone I was in a relationship with I would be gone. Nor did I expect that my child could cause me such hurt and heartache. I wish I could make them understand that I am in their corner. I don’t want to ask them to leave but they must work with me to make things calmer.

1988 it was. Rent was half my income.

I know plenty of people who left home at 18 or even 16, but I don’t know anyone who was made to leave. I.e. you’re 18 now, time to go.

However, I think it’s one of those things where it depends on the child’s behaviour, the circumstances, what the parents are doing etc etc

I think if a kid had known they were working up to that, either through it being warned as a punishment, or simply through their life it being stated as an expectation, then that’s fine

Let’s be honest in this day and age unless and 18 year old has won the lottery or on minted wages it’s gonna be hard to afford somewhere. I’d want my daughter to save save save and work hard and make sure she could afford her bills before moving out even if it meant until she was 30 honestly. I’d never want her to struggle like me. So no wouldn’t ask my 18 year old to leave but again that’s just me everyone’s different xx

If I could advise anything, it would be to beware false allegations/accusations. A rash and ill-considered move on my DD’s part has wrecked my life and torn our family asunder. There is nothing like spending 21 hours in a police cell to make you re-evaluate everything in your life. My DD1 is 18 on December 27th. She is moving out on December 28th. She has a really great adult services social worker who is facilitating all of the logistics.

I left at age 17 in the 90's, I really don't think it was that unusual.

I was also 16 in the 1990’s.
No one I know left home at 16. No one.
Mostly went to university at 18. Mainly left home in our early 20’s.

Middle class upbringing perhaps?

Yeah, it's easier when you can just move into the granny annexe. Or convert the playroom or the garage into your own personal hangout space for you and your mates.

I doubt my eldest will be around til his mid twenties, given that he has to share a bedroom with his little brother.

Me too

I highly doubt the vast majority of MC early 20 somethings are converting anything into a "hangout" for their friends.

Maybe? So?? What’s your point? You make it sound like an insult! I could also suggest that those moving out at 16 had a working class background. Both life experiences as valid as each other.
I did have friends across the social spectrum, I still didn’t know anyone who left home at 16. Some at 18 perhaps. Many went to university and never returned permanently.

Me too.
The only person I knew who moved out under 18 - he was 17 - was one of my teachers who was middle aged in the 90s so I suppose it would have been the 70s or 80s.

The point is that it's more middle class families that can afford to keep their kids living at home. It's also more likely for MC kids to have their own bedroom and not be sharing . My friends brothers were sharing a room at 14 15, 15 and 17. . Obviously they wanted to move out and have space to have partners stay over etc rather than be in bunk beds well into their 20s. It's wasn't that u usual for kids to have to get work and contribute asap rather than stay in education. My soninlaw is a classic example. He was expected to work from 16 and pay a third share of the household bills. If he didn't like it he could leave.( He's not yet 40 so hardly the old days) My best friend couldn't stay in education as she was expected to work full time to stay with her parents. She moved out with a boyfriend ASAP and later did her degree as a single parent.

THATS the sort of thing that's the difference

I had to move out at 15 because of the behaviour of my younger brother. (Violence, drugs, theft, boundary-stomping) Unfortunately my mother chose to minimize and lie to cover it all up. He is now 50 and has never worked a day in his life. He has no friends and is constantly complaining about his broken dreams because he doesn’t understand that there are consequences to bad behaviour. Now mum is dead, I have been NC since I had kids of my own that needed to be protected, and he has nobody left to back him up financially, cater to his need for instant gratification or to facilitate his disproportionate sense of entitlement, I imagine he feels very hard done by.
What I am saying is that you may be doing him a favour by asking him to leave and look after himself. It might even be the only way to achieve this. I have three young adult (now) kids and I can imagine that coming to this conclusion is incredibly fraught, but I applaud you - especially if you have other kids to protect.

why?

My sister moved out to live with her boyfriend at 19 then moved back 2 years later when they split, luckily there was room for her!

I knew quite a few people who left home over 16 in the 90s and rented rooms, mainly because their relationship with their parents/ stepparents broke down… it was easier for single youngsters to move out then as they could get housing benefit etc. Also rents were lower compared to now.