13 y/o DS refusing school after being attacked and don't know what to do!

[Elise89]

My son was attacked by 4 boys while walking back to the train station after school the week before last. A member of the public witnessed the incident and called the police, who are currently investigating.

Since then, he's refused to go back to school and I just don't know what to do. I can't persuade him to go in, and I can't physically force him. There are no other local schools with available places for him to transfer and I'm getting so stressed worrying that I'll end up being fined or something due to his attendance, and I'll start getting into trouble at work as I can't come in to the office.

I feel terrible for my son and what he's been through but it's not practical for him to stay home forever and I need to find a solution. If anyone has any ideas please do let me know. Thank you.

Was it boys from his school? What are the school doing about the situation?

Firstly, you won't be fined. Your child was assaulted, it's understandable he doesn't want to go although of course this needs resolving. Has he had much support since the incident, was he badly hurt?

Have you spoken to school? Were the other boys from his school? What are school doing?

Speak to school and also your local authority about the school refusal.

As far as I'm aware, they've not worked out who the boys are yet. In terms of getting him to come in, school have basically suggested a reward chart haha. Like I get him something nice if he goes in every day. That's not something he's likely to respond to, nor is taking things away.

In terms of his safety while in school, they have asked him to get an earlier train so as to avoid people and then wait in the library until lessons start. He is then to spend lunchtime at clubs so that he will be near a member of staff. He's then to leave early and get an earlier train before the rest of the school have been let out.

First time posting, so bear with me. Ok, 15 yo daughter is now being home educated after really bad year 10. She was such a lovely bubbly girl until year 8. She started falling out with her friends and some of it led to bullying which led onto behaviour problems at school. She bottled almost all of it up until a year ago when she was caught vaping in school. She was constantly arguing with the teachers as well.
She's recently split up with a long term bf and that's when I discovered she has been self harming, badly, for over a year!
She doesn't want her Dad to know and wants antidepressants but also doesn't want social services to speak to her.
What do I do? I want her to get better so am happy to take her to the gp and I too don't want outside interference.

What a nightmare. He is perfectly entitled to prioritise his own safety, and he must be traumatised by the incident.

Really he needs to be assured that both his school and the police are doing everything possible to catch and punish the perpetrators and ensure this never happens again. That really needs to be how you approach things with the school - fines shouldn’t even be on the horizon.

How far away is his school? Could you afford to send him by taxi for a short while?

If not, he’s perfectly old enough to be left at home while you go to work. And all his schoolwork is presumably accessible online?

In short, he should not be forced if he’s genuinely fearful. Work with the school.

ETA - Can’t believe they suggested a reward chart - for a traumatised teenager!

@P1pp4l0r1 you really need to start your own thread.

Thank you. It was quite bad. The police have said it was likely ABH. He had a bad head injury, black eye and other bruising to his face and body. The y ripped his polo shirt off his body, so he had injuries to his chest too.

I had a meeting with school last week where they said basically what I wrote in my comment above. I'll contact them again tomorrow and ring the council re. School refusal.

Their suggestions are unacceptable really, they're making the victim responsible for not getting attacked.

Has your son been asked to review all the school photos? You could go with him to support.

I don't think school are helping enough. Who are you dealing with? Escalate to the Deputy Head for pastoral.

Have you had a conversation with the police?

And how serious was the assault?

Thank you. These suggestions came directly from the head master!

Ok. Do the boys go to his school? Can you drop/pick him up from school so he doesn’t need to get the train? You need to arrange a meeting with school with head of year and safeguarding lead.

Is he generally leaving the house?

A reward chart for a 13 year old is a ridiculous suggestion from school especially as they know what the trigger is.

We think they do go to his school but not 100% certain as he was attacked from behind. Unfortunately I can't drive, but I would be happy to get the train with him until he's ready to go alone again. He hasn't left the house since other than to go to the shops with me, although that's not unusual for him. He's been doing his school work online and making some lovely Christmas decorations for our front room. He's only been in the school since September and hasn't really made any friends yet. It awful, I just want him to be happy.

I'm sorry that this has put you in a difficult situation and that you are worried about getting fined but I can't blame your DS for saying no, that this would not be a safe thing for him to do. Safety has to come first.

Nor can I to be honest. I wouldn't want to go in either. I feel that the longer he's off the harder it's going to be to go back, and I'd like to work out a way forward so we can get back to a normal routine.

@Elise89 Are there any spaces on school buses? Any parents who could help? School seem bereft of ideas. I hope the police do their job!

The school’s response is inadequate. Obviously, the primary responsibility rests with the Police. A serious crime in the street is their matter. However, the school may be looking at a violent gang in their school, so should be trying to identify if those involved attend the school. If they are pupils, then other children are at risk too.

The head should be offering far more information about what they are doing to ensure safety of pupils.

I suspect you are in London so it may be that the attackers are from another school and your son was an opportunistic target, but you need to know if that is the case.

I can’t blame him and honestly if he only started there in September I would be really tempted to home school (not sure how realistic this is for you as I’m conscious it’s a huge privilege if someone can do that) and find a new school for him as soon as possible.

He’s had a genuinely traumatic thing happen, no real solutions from the school other than him having to do things that are awkward and will mark him out to others, poor kid.

Really glad he feels able to talk to you, keep lines of communication open and keep taking him seriously like you already are

Ask the police to out him in contact with victim support.

Also because it’s anxiety due to being attacked ask about a managed move. Schools can accept pupils under this under fair access protocol. (went through the same with my DS)

Can you apply for transport? I realise we are different, as mine is autistic and 6, but councils do have a budget to pay for cabs for children who are disabled

Your child is traumatised and will otherwise not go to school.

He doesnt sound lazy or anything as he is doing his work online and seemingly being pleasant at home?

I think, and i'm basing this on my own experience of being bullied at school, that you should fight his corner, op and at least tell the school that he will attend classes via zoom until the spring term.

Give him a few months to breathe and process his attack, the world, his school and his place in all of this. During that time, contact cahms, social services and explain the situation and the help you need.

Dont let the attendance manager at the school bully you, fight for your traumatised son as best you can

So sorry he has been through this. Op, irs important that you support and fight for him through this, as he will always remember this time, and it could shape who he becomes as an adult

Best of luck xx

I would go and look at other schools and move his in January, especially if he only started in September.

Gp and camhs referral for ptsd.
Camhs assessment and hopefully a letter to explain why he cannot attend school right now /cannot take public transport
Contact Lea officer for children missing school for health reasons. There should be a named lea officer for these cases. Engage with them.

Or they pay a taxi.

They may be able to offer temporary alternative provision eg small group in meantime. Or home tutor.

Then identify more local school and go to appeal for a place

Girl, you need to start your own thread xx

Keep him on roll so LEA has the responsibility to offer alternative provision.

Your son is perfectly entitled not to want to go back ro this school after his ordeal.

Especially as it sounds like the school is being useless and it is very likely he is an ongoing target for a bunch of bullies.

Unless these kids are quickly identified and Immediately expelled your son should not go back.

Your options are homeschooling or finding a new school.