13 y/o DS refusing school after being attacked and don't know what to do!

[Elise89]

My son was attacked by 4 boys while walking back to the train station after school the week before last. A member of the public witnessed the incident and called the police, who are currently investigating.

Since then, he's refused to go back to school and I just don't know what to do. I can't persuade him to go in, and I can't physically force him. There are no other local schools with available places for him to transfer and I'm getting so stressed worrying that I'll end up being fined or something due to his attendance, and I'll start getting into trouble at work as I can't come in to the office.

I feel terrible for my son and what he's been through but it's not practical for him to stay home forever and I need to find a solution. If anyone has any ideas please do let me know. Thank you.

This happened to someone I know. The child didn’t go back to the school again and started a new school as soon as a place became available.

This has really upset me. If an adult posted here to say they'd been the victim of ABH and they suspected their attackers were in their workplace but they didn't know who they were, I am sure no-one would be advising them to go back there and just get an earlier train and maybe buy themselves a nice treat for being brave. We shouldn't expect any different for a 13yo. I'm sorry you feel under pressure to get him back into school, but he's experienced something really traumatic, it's not surprising he's not ready.

The school's response is wholly inadequate. Reward chart, really?

Has he had any other outside support? Counselling? As a PP says he needs a referral from the GP.

What were the circumstances that led to him moving to a new school this year - have you moved, or is 13 the normal starting age where you are/for this school?
If he's only been there a few month and hasn't really settled/made friends yet I would be looking into all potential options for a move.

Feel so sorry for him. Have you looked into counselling for him?
As other posters I would say that for now he needs to be accompanied to and from school by an adult. You say you can do mornings, is there someone who can get him from school? He needs to feel safe the poor little lad.

God that’s horrific.

Does he/you have a Family Liaison Officer with the police, or a named officer? What are they doing at the moment?

Have you/he been in touch with Victim Support? Do you think there’s any factors that made him more visible to the criminals and more vulnerable to bullying?

Tbh until I felt sure that the boys involved were not at that school, I’d be very very unlikely to send him back - and even then, I’d drive him there and back or get a trusted friend to do so.

Have you considered moving? It’s very valid to keep him on the register as the LA’s responsibility but as the school appear to be responding as if he has an anxiety disorder, rather than as the victim of criminal bullying. Have they offered any kind of counselling at least?

I’d be inclined to get the hell out of Dodge and make a fresh start in a different area/school.

I think his reaction is understandable. What I don’t understand is why your initial response wasn’t to start escorting him to and from school via an alternative method.

The schools response is disgusting. Basically putting your son on the defensive all day, which would be scary and exhausting. Approach the Governors and say you are unhappy with the school response. I really feel for you and your son.

Do they wear uniform and did the witness see what uniform the little thugs were wearing? Is there CCTV of the attack? I would be thinking about home schooling if the best the school can suggest is that he tries to avoid them. Hopefully the police will get them, but it is so scary for him and you. Was it racially or religiously motivated or just plain evil?

If you feel the police are too slow remember you could request any CCTV that the police have obtained. It is your sons data. If they don't have any go and look at the location and look for cameras. If they are doing their job leave them too it. But if they have not obtained CCTV they should have then you can identify this and kick up a fuss.

Gangs are supposed to be a priority crime.

I think everyone needs to be a bit more sensitive to what's happened to your son tbh!

If this had happened to an adult no way would everyone be trying to get them back to work after a couple of weeks. He's traumatised and terrified and who can blame him. His attackers are still on the loose. They know who he is, but he doesn't know them so he'll be looking over his shoulder all the time.

You need to go to your GP and try and get him some counselling (easier said than done, but at least try).

I think he probably needs to move school and he needs to be allowed to stay at home until a space can be found elsewhere.

Don't minimise this.

Ah, the school blaming the victim and making it the victim’s problem. I see things haven’t changed…

He leaves earlier instead of dealing with the bullies? WTAF?

Your poor, poor son. No one should send him back to that school, he’s traumatised.

They’ll have to find a place for him elsewhere. There’s no way he can return. Next time they attack it could be so much worse.

Poor boy.

To put ot into context, I was attacked at work (healthcare) and had a similar head injury and signed off for two weeks with (fairly useless but nevertheless offered) telephone access to short notice psychologist support. I've not been quite the same since psychologically and I'm an adult who works in a setting where everyone knows there is incredibly challenging behaviour, not a 13 year old who was out in public on his way home from school in the afternoon.

Two weeks off isn't excessive, but of course you need a plan for return which doesn't single out and punish your son!

Have you got medical paperwork as well as a crime number? If so any attempt to fine should be met with reference to those things and the expectation of support for the victim of violent crime.

Just to say so sorry for your son and you.

You'll be in shock too.

Is his Dad about, or any relatives? Just wondering who is propping you up.

Has he seen his GP?

I have a relative who’s also been attacked at work, by someone who was unaware of what was going on, and needed significant time off from going back there. This is worse since the criminals knew what they were doing.

Not necessarily so, he needs good support and to feel safe, he's been through a very scary experience.

This is a good point.

The police should have made this referral. Perhaps chase them.

Thank you all. I've been chatting to my mum but she's not been very helpful in a practical sense, although she is emotionally. She just keeps asking me what I'm going to do! I think my first steps in the morning will be to contact the GP, the police and the school and/or the council to see if they will assist with a managed move. I will support my son in not wanting to go back and hopefully another place can be found for him soon. I'm a single mum (court gave dad no contact due to DA) and I'm 100% financially responsible for us both, which is why being able to work is so important to me.

Your poor son, no way would I force him in until he’s ready. First I’d wait to find out if the boys go to the school and if they do, there is no way if my son didn’t want to go back I’d force him. It’s not just one boy, that’s a gang at 4! Even if they do get told off, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t happen again and I wouldn’t risk it.
If they aren’t boys at the school, I would do whatever I could to arrange car travel there until he builds his confidence up again.

I can understand your stress about work, but I think forcing him to go back before he is ready (if he goes back there at all) is likely to be counterproductive and personally I wouldn't feel confident about his safety until you have more information about who the attackers were.

Are you in a role where you can do your job from home (even if your workplace has a policy of being in the office some/all of the time) or is it a role that requires you to be face-to-face?

If you could in principle do your role from home but you have an in-office policy I would be looking at making a flexible working request that enables you to work from home and/or flex your hours to accommodate taking your son to/from school.

I agree. It really helps talking to others about this as I was just feeling so stressed and worried about him that I was just thinking the worst. We have a 60% office policy but work are very flexible. I've felt nervous about asking as I'm a trainee ( due to qualify as a solicitor end of August!). I went back to uni after leaving DS dad so I'm really proud of my job and the life I can afford for my son, so don't want to do anything that could risk losing it! Although if I was in the office I'd be so worried about something happening to DS at that school that I probably couldn't concentrate anyway

That's amazing, well done!

It might be worth at least having an informal conversation to agree with your boss for you to work from home at least until after Christmas. Make it clear that you're working on a solution (e.g. a managed move). It would probably be less stressful for you just to get that agreed and have some breathing space rather than be worrying day-by-day about trying to get him in.

You've only got two weeks' until the Christmas holidays - I'd just tell your son you're not going to pressure him to go in this term (but that you'll support him if he feels able to do it). I think it'd help to take the pressure off you both and give you a bit of time to make a plan for what's next -whether that's working on a plan with school to get him back in next term or a managed move elsewhere.

Your poor son! No wonder he doesn't want to go back to school! Is he getting any support for what happened? Is there any way you could arrange with your work to take him and pick him up, at least for a while? I'm so sorry for both of you

I hope you will share your plan with your manager. It sounds as if you have good plans and are the kind of employee anyone would want to support - approach it in the spirit of ‘I have a solution to this problem, do you think you can support me with this?’

I’d also be looking around for helpful fellow parents who might be prepared to help out with lifts, even if you don’t ask them yet - I certainly think a managed move is a good idea.

You need to speak to the safe guarding officer. Ask them how they are going to protect him from the attackers if they are from the same school.

You either need to get the train with him to and from school or ask a family member to drive him or both. I think the best option would be to move schools.