Child services - 17 year old DS

[purplerainbows88]

Hi everyone
I would really appreciate some urgent advice from anyone that has experience or can help.
my DS is 17. He left school after GCSEs having failed them all and after much effort to help him find a way forward he started an apprenticeship a few months ago. He has severe ADHD and we believe his school life has caused him a lot of deep rooted trauma. He drinks and smokes weed non stop - it’s a daily thing (the weed) and has previously been arrested and cautioned for possession with intent to supply. We have found knives in his room which we take and never return. He then blames us for causing him “problems”. It’s an uphill battle to keep him safe and on the straight and narrow. We have other kids at home.

he’s been saying for awhile he wants to leave home. But last couple of weeks this has eacalated. He knows unequivocally we love and support him and want him to at home. I’ve offered for him to stay with my parents who would welcome him. He gets on with them but not my siblings who still live at home and who he says are judgemental.

hes now decided to go to the council and ask to be housed. He left this afternoon. He’s asked us to tell the council that we don’t want him living at home. I told him we won’t say that! He’s sent me threatening messages saying not to fuck him and tell the council about the drugs and knives

I am feeling sick and frightened for him. What is the deal with child services. What should I say if they call. How do I handle this? I want him home and safe and to get counselling. I don’t know what I am dealing with and don’t know what to do for the best.

It is very unlikely that he will be given a house or even put onthe housing list. They will want to speak to you to determine whether it is safe for him to return home (or his grandparents home). If they do agree to house him it could be with a foster family, a hostel or supported accommodation (in my area this is often at the YMCA).

Oh OP this sounds so so tough. As he is on an apprenticeship, may I suggest that you make contact with the training provider and ask to speak to their pastoral team? Explain what's happening and you are concerned for his safety/mental health. They will have safeguarding procedures in place to deal with this type of thing.

Please tell the safeguarding team and mental health about the drug use, the knives and the threats. Also the police. If you don't, you are knowingly putting other people's lives at risk-your other children, professionals, even complete strangers.
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/nov/07/southport-inquiry-atrocity-preventable-analysis

He has obviously been to the council as he has now messaged me a few times to ask if they have called me yet and warning me not to say anything that would prevent him getting housed. But no one has called us yet. He has a good and safe home - his own room, a garden room with gym equipment and everything he needs. He just seems to be desperate to leave and has for awhile. He has given two reasons 1. he needs to move out of the area as he needs to get away from people he has had bad associations with and he says he is always looking over his shoulder. He won't tell us much more. 2. He hates the way we parents his younger siblings saying we molly coddle and spoil them and he can't bear to watch it anymore. They are in school and doing well and are just regular kids with normal social lives. He has never conformed and we've consistently told him that we love and support him whatever he does. He loves his job and we thought that when he started it things would change and he would start to mature and take more responsibility. But though he seems happy at work he can't seem to get on the straight with the rest of his life. Its constant drama. I wonder if there is shame there and he compares himself to his siblings. But he shouldn't - we tell him non stop how proud we are of him but I see the pain in his eyes and I don't know how to help. He has some counselling for awhile but then he stopped engaging with it and we were powerless to do anything about it. Right now I have no idea where he is or if he is ok. I am so worried.

Thank you. This is a good suggestion. He is with a large company and I am sure they could help - we've considered contacting them but my DH said we should think carefully before we do as it could set him off if he thinks we are meddling and I don't want to risk it going wrong for him at work because we interfered. But I may not have a choice soon. I don't know what to do for the best.

I want to for his own safety as well - I just don't want to open a can of worms and feel I need to think carefully about what steps I take.

I'm sorry but am concerned contacting his employer about these issues is a massive breach of his privacy, and may muck up his working life for ever.

I understand your absolute love and loyalty to your son. But if he is determined NOT to stay with you, is keeping knives in the house and has a drug problem, it's a high risk strategy to try and pressure him to, and you have more than 1 child to care for.

Surely it would be more appropriate to contact the Duty Team at social services to outline what you have said here, and find out what safeguarding / options/ interventions are possible. They can be very helpful (depending on who's on that day!) ...You can find the number online. It may also be worth looking online for charities that work with similar young adults, and see if they can offer further help/ advice.

Wishing you all the best x

PS Re housing options, some (NOT all) councils still have (or have local orgs who provide) specialist youth accommodation for vulnerable teens. Allocations can be anything from their own room (or their own flat!) in a managed youth 'hostel', where they get support, a room in a supported block, room in foster home, or support where they are living. It's worth making enquiries, though not all teens are either eligible or suitable.

My son is Autistic/ADHD. There are common problems I see on these threads all the time.

I would not do this as the meddling he'd perceive it as would backfire.

I don't think he has much hope of being housed in this climate. He might if he has a formal diagnosis. But it's dire out there.

I don't know the answer here because there aren't any. It's horrendous because on one hand he's vulnerable and on the other a liability. I'd say a fair number of mum's see this in their situation.

I would say you simplify can't tell a lie that involves saying he's being kicked out but how else might you support him living separately. Say you want to discuss that and all options will him. And you let him ask or explore. Even if helping a private rental financially is an option.

I really dislike this strong manipulative almost threatening type behaviour you're describing. I think some ND boys can do this and it's important not to enable it. What will be will be. As shit as an answer that is.

Watching with interest, sounds very much like my DS 17 in some ways but thankfully hasn't got into drugs or carries knives. He also wants to leave home but hasn't actioned anything as yet and spends most of his time in his bedroom. Sending you love and support x

Thank you for the replies. On balance I do agree about not involving his employer or going to the police - I can’t see really that it would achieve anything other than push him further away and create more problems for him than it would fix. But I do need some professional advice. A part of us thinks we need to ride it out and suck it up for awhile / he’s 17 and we can’t force or control his decisions. We are wiling to explore options for him to live elsewhere if he is safe and happy but at least for now we’ve stopped short of offering to rent somewhere for him. He’s very immature and how can we do that if we think he will be unsafe on his own coming and going at all hours, doing drugs and gd knows what else. How can we just give him a free platform to do that.

im sorry im a stream of consciousness now.

He’s just messaged me to say he is coming back home to get more of his stuff and will stay with a friend for a bit until he finds a room to rent.

I desperately want him to get some therapy and have someone to talk to. He needs it. Maybe we need family therapy.

He needs to grow up. The council won't house him unless he's homeless (even then they won't as no supply) and he's got a home at yours plus your parents house if he wants so that's two homes not none.

It's great he's doing the apprenticeship. As long as he's getting on well with that hopefully he's moving in the right direction.

But if he wants to move out he'll have to save his wages and maybe you could help with deposit etc for a flatshare once he's over 18?

I suggested on another thread bribing the ND teen into considering medication. At least a visit or engagement with support. I know thos could be a tricky road and could seem coercive.

This vulnerable child yet possibly also dangerous child dichotomy, is so horrible.

He has a diagnosis but always refused to engaged with the meds. Would hide them spit them out lie etc. I offered to consider them again recently and he refused.

you are right the vulnerable but at risk child is so so hard. Want to accept that he is an adult and should be treated as such yet he is still so immature and clueless and he scares me.

I feel awful as he called me a bitch today and swore at me in the most foul way and I told him that was my red line and I would support him with everything but I wouldn’t allow him to speak to me like that. It was utterly vile. I told him to get out and come back when he could apologise and never speak to me like that again. So he left. I should have held it together but even now thinking about how he spoke to me Im livid - I put up with everything all the time all day long but for me thats my limit. i feel so angry, sad, confused and totally helpless.

My much younger teen had a severe meltdown screaming ' you fucking bitch' last week. It scares me. There's a sense we have that there's potential there we don't understand. I believe there are many mum's in our position. It's why I am an advocate of medication. If it somehow contains the potential to cause harm to themselves and someone else, then it's important.

How do you protect the vulnerable part yet be aware always of the above. I really don't know the answer to this. I feel over tine it's best to face the reality of the risk over the innate desire to protect, which could turn into enabling.

What exactly this looks like in practice here I don't know.

He wouldn't last long out on his own.Is letting that happen enough of an incentive to then support him going to appointments with you for medication?. He may decide to hate you and blame you for it. Sometimes I believe this happens and it's NO fault at all of the mum. You either enable or become the hated target to blame. Not much of a choice. ❤️

if he is using drugs like cannabis and has weapons like knives I would be concerned about county lines-that gangs may be using him to transport or deal drugs. Particularly if he turns up with new phones, trainers or clothes. You can contact children’s safeguarding for advice - the main children’s contact number.

if he presents as homeless to the council now it is likely they will refer him to a young persons homeless project where he may get a room in a hostel.

when does he turn 18? He can apply to the housing register. He will be very low priority as a single person but he can apply to the list and he will accrue points each month he is waiting.

i think the verbal aggression may be coming from mood swings from drug use but try to be aware he may be under pressure from gangs or people he may owe money to.

He’s only just turned 17. I think he was more involved a couple of years back with selling cannabis and being used by older men to transport etc and I suspect that is part of the problems he refers to about being in his home area and wanting to move away. I don’t believe he is still involved on that scale but is now selling lower value vapes which I find in bulk (30 or so) in his room which he will sell for the thrill of it. He doesn’t need the money so can only presume it’s the thrill. I worry though that all the smoking is playing havoc with his mind. He is less and less focused and can’t seem to do anything. He used to go the gym every single day but seems to rarely work out anymore. I can’t even watch a film with him for more than 5 minutes before he is up and out. His disorganisation is on another level.

Oh and the mood swings and constant low level anger and explosion out of nowhere at the slightest thing. I feel so frustrated that I pour every bit of my love and energy into him but I can’t make a difference. It’s beyond frustrating. I’m thankful he has his job (I spent a year applying for apprenticeships for him - he just turned up for the interviews. I had to do it! I just couldnt watch him lie in bed all day and then just go out and smoke, start out all night, come home high, and then repeat the next day) and so there is that to be thankful for as long as he can hold on to it.

@purplerainbows88

Firstly I am so sorry to ready this it must be hugely stressful for you and your family;
HOWEVER
people are right when they refer to the tragic incident in Southport, that COULD have been stopped had the PARENTS done the right thing - which is what you need to do here.

I am sure you will feel a huge amount of relief to make that call no matter how difficult it is, but a police officer on your doorstep telling you he’s stabbed and murdered someone would be a lot more difficult.

By making that call you could save him and get him the help and support he needs. You have to ask yourself - if this was someone else’s child and this was going on, what would you advise them to do?

from one mother to another - please 🙏 do the right thing for your child, yourself and everyone else.

What are you proposing I tell the police exactly and to what end? Genuine question.

It sounds like he might be being groomed, I would contact social services and focus on the risk to him and any evidence you have. The drugs, the knives, chsnge of behaviour, needing to get out of the area all point to potential grooming/county lines. Could also be drug debt but it sounds like more than that.

What would social services do about it though? How can they help? I’m just worried about doing the wrong thing and making things worse. Would they involve the police? I’m just so clueless about this and don’t know where to get solid advice.

I think that suggestion is very unfair on OP. What exactly can she say. We have a problem whereby we might see some flags here but what will the Police actually do? This is the problem with cases like this.

If she goes to the Police at this stage son will lose his absolute mind. Because he's vulnerable, how will he be treated fairly within a pretty shit system. If he's waving knives saying I'm going to cut someone up. Then I get the fear for OP. But I know ND teens can say the most shocking things. Often saying out loud what we all think sometimes but keep in our heads. ( Road rage thoughts for example I see so many people's have).

So although I believe OP needs to do something here. Going straight to the Police is not necessarily that.

I'm more inclined to push strongly that he engages with an ND specialising therapist that OP finds. That OP pays and encourages the son to attend with incentive or consequences ( not sure what).

Getting CAMHS to see him is bloody pointless. He'll be 50 by the time they accept.

I paid for a great ND aware psychiatrist in this situation ( younger and not at this stage this far). They were suggesting a medication. Then OP you are trying and doing what you can with support for you too. It's all about money though and waiting to see someone, even on zoom. I believe that they could help guide you even if you asked to speak to someone.( a lady I recommended) and ask their advice on your own first. ( An ND aware private psychiatrist I mean)

I would be saying that you have found knives in your son’s room and that you are concerned and would like some help and guidance on this and how to try to resolve it.

They have family liaison officers who can support with this type of thing and early intervention is often the key to a better outcome in the long run.

I know this must be hugely stressful and upsetting for you, but visiting him in prison would be much worse and this could be avoided by getting some help now. Nobody will judge you and they’ll be grateful you’ve been honest and reached out for help.

I would also be very honest about the drugs and how abusive he is towards you aswell. Give them the full picture.

I really hope you can get some help as the current situation sounds terrible for everyone.