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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS13 refuses to do any homework, is lazy and zero motivation to do anything

74 replies

shampop · 06/10/2025 18:27

Not sure what the answer is but I'm tearing my hair out over DS (13, year 9)
Getting him to do ANYTHING is a huge, exhausting battle. It was always difficult throughout his school life but is only getting worse (which is great since it's more vital than ever now).

He will just leave homework and not bother with it. I now have all his logins for homework apps and follow closely what needs to be done, but it's just constant resistance, shouting and arguing over doing the most simple tasks. We have resorted to switching off screen time until he does it. This works but still involves lots of anger, arguing and resentment from him- we are strict, horrible parents apparently. If he is left to it he just chooses not to any homework or school-set tasks. Nothing. He doesn't care one bit about his grades.

He is the same with chores or any task that is slightly boring. His room gets absolutely disgusting until I deep-clean and declutter it, he then promises to keep it tidy and within 2 days it's a state again. It's the same with everything- just unbelievably lazy and huge pushback if asked to do the most simple chores or tasks. He is so disorganised, won't sort any of his school things the night before etc.

Is anyone else's teen similar? I just feel so worried he's not going to be able to function in normal everyday life and just dreading the next few years. I'm a young mum and always second-guessing my parenting but he seems like such a disaster at the moment :(

OP posts:
Movingonup028e · 06/10/2025 19:41

My son is exactly the same in every way. It's exhausting and frustrating. He keeps saying he doesn't care and takes every thing we say as a dig at him and nagging which makes him refuse to do anything. We've tried to make him understand that all we and his teachers want is the best for him and for him to have a good life but he can't seem to see more than an hour infront of him.
My son is in year 10. Does no homework , doesn't know his log ons to things, doesn't even have the app on his phone with his timetable. And refuses to do so. I know for certain he will do zero revision for his gcses and when he fails them he will blame everyone else. His dad and I don't know what to do

Original poster
shampop · 06/10/2025 20:49

Thanks for the reply, it’s so frustrating isn’t it? And yes my DS is the same for always blaming everyone and everything else. It’s never his fault.I had to email his school myself to ask where homework was being set and how to login, as he would claim he didn’t know 😩

OP posts:
Comedycook · 06/10/2025 20:50

Do they get detentions at school if homework isn't completed?

Lulumush · 06/10/2025 20:52

Take screens and any other luxury away.

Disasterclass · 06/10/2025 20:56

Does he not get consequences at school? DD was similar in primary school but is worried about the consequences at secondary so will do homework. I don’t get involved with nagging her to do it as she’s learnt that the telling off at school isn’t worth it. Never tidies her room, but as long as it just clothes on the floor and nothing hazardous I leave her to it

MummyShah369 · 06/10/2025 20:57

Looks like you will need to give him some tough love… no luxury or entertainment until he does the basics

pottylolly · 06/10/2025 20:57

The answer to this that truly worke is to go nuclear on him but do you have the will for it? It means you trash the videogames, smartphone / tablet, make freedom conditional on homework / chores / revision being done. If he’s rude you take away his ability to see his friends.

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/10/2025 21:22

My 14yrd old is in yr 10. If he's not not handing homework in then he's very very last minute with it. I spent a lot of the last month in tears about this, I tried coming down on him hard but it just put us at war with each other and really did nothing to help anything.
In the end my Dad reminded me I had been like this (and still went to uni and have a good job) and also suggested I stop trying to interfere and let school pick it up. Today is the first day I haven't had any emails from school after I raised the issue with his teachers who can also so the demerits and detentions. He's now in an intervention program where he will be in a smaller tutor group aimed at trying to help a small group of students put some good practices in place as well as improving attitudes. DS has some SEN issues so is using a laptop in all his classes like he did last year to which his teachers are seeing a difference.
It's not perfect but he is handing in homework and things are getting better. He does do some homework before school (sigh), the only thing I can say about that is he gets up 1hr 20mins before he needs to be in school which is a 5 minute walk away, I take him a cup of tea and some breakfast to make sure he just gets on with it.
His room is disgusting although at least he has got to the stage of wanting to have showers rather than being told.

Ooogle · 06/10/2025 21:24

My year 9 DS doesn’t get much homework but seems to rarely do it or do it last minute. I leave him to it really- he hasn’t had any consequences in school yet but if he did then I would fully support them.

I Was very firm when it came to revision though for end of year tests- it was a massive slog but we did get through it

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/10/2025 21:30

I think I’d have to go above limiting screen time and he would lose devices altogether until he clicks that those are privileges and not rights.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 06/10/2025 21:33

The new era of digital homework and timetables is terrible for kids with undiagnosed SEN.

In your shoes, I would be wondering if his inability to motivate and organise are attention deficit and executive functioning issues.

Octavia64 · 06/10/2025 21:33

Ex teacher

at least half of teens are like this.

(some of the others are anxious perfectionists who cry if they don’t get full marks on all homeworks).

How is he actually doing at school? Some kids can get away with doing homework on the school bus/train because they are basically bright.

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/10/2025 21:36

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/10/2025 21:30

I think I’d have to go above limiting screen time and he would lose devices altogether until he clicks that those are privileges and not rights.

Just pointing out lots of year 9/10/11 homework is completed on apps on devices or written work is in word and submitted by email. Even if they could submit written work by hand its not beneficial to SEN children using laptops in class as there usual way of working which is some of the group of children who struggle with handing in homework.

Loungingbutnotforlong · 06/10/2025 21:41

I’d second the suggestion to look into undiagnosed SEN. My son is exactly the same and was diagnosed (too late to help) after his GcSEs. Really wish I’d pushed for earlier diagnosis instead of us getting caught up in thinking he was lazy or not trying etc…

coxesorangepippin · 06/10/2025 21:43

No screens whatsoever until his attitude changes

You need to take back control

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 06/10/2025 21:45

coxesorangepippin · 06/10/2025 21:43

No screens whatsoever until his attitude changes

You need to take back control

How does that work when the homework is on screens?

Perimama · 06/10/2025 21:46

I agree- could be SEN (ADHD). Motivation, anger and organization struggles are commonly signs.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/10/2025 21:46

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/10/2025 21:36

Just pointing out lots of year 9/10/11 homework is completed on apps on devices or written work is in word and submitted by email. Even if they could submit written work by hand its not beneficial to SEN children using laptops in class as there usual way of working which is some of the group of children who struggle with handing in homework.

Edited
Show quote history

I have a year 8 and i understand your point but for my kids getting rid of the X box would have an impact, as would the iPad and the phone for sure outside of certain hours. I am extremely lucky that my twelve year old completely understands the importance of school work = (hopefully) a decent career if Ai hasn’t eaten it down the line.

I did a timeline with him moons ago so he understood how small a portion of life education takes up as opposed to how much life you have working and earning. This seemed to make an impact and we revisit it verbally now and again. He also gets games and other rewards for doing well with his reports and getting into top sets etc.

A mixture of consequences and rewards seems to work for us but I admit I have a pretty passive twelve year old who isn’t fighting with me all the time - my younger one will be COMPLETELY different I can assure you.

Original poster
shampop · 06/10/2025 21:48

Yes we basically switch off all screen time until homework is done, which is the only thing that works. But it’s just the fact that it’s such a battle. His school is a bit hit and miss with consequences. Some teachers do a lunchtime detention but with others there doesn’t seem to be any consequences. It’s not a case of him being ‘last minute and bright’ he’s in average or below average classes, the frustrating thing is he is intelligent if he applies himself. I just worry hugely for his future, it’s making me anxious and sad.

Our other DS (younger by a couple of years) is autistic and learning delayed (special needs school) but is a delight and we have no issues.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 06/10/2025 21:50

DS was very much like this in Yr9, although without the unpleasantness, just lazy!

He seems to have significantly shaped up in Yr 10, I think because it matters a bit more, so there’s potentially still hope!

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/10/2025 21:53

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 06/10/2025 21:46

I have a year 8 and i understand your point but for my kids getting rid of the X box would have an impact, as would the iPad and the phone for sure outside of certain hours. I am extremely lucky that my twelve year old completely understands the importance of school work = (hopefully) a decent career if Ai hasn’t eaten it down the line.

I did a timeline with him moons ago so he understood how small a portion of life education takes up as opposed to how much life you have working and earning. This seemed to make an impact and we revisit it verbally now and again. He also gets games and other rewards for doing well with his reports and getting into top sets etc.

A mixture of consequences and rewards seems to work for us but I admit I have a pretty passive twelve year old who isn’t fighting with me all the time - my younger one will be COMPLETELY different I can assure you.

Show quote history

I have two completely different children too. My eldest was terrified of being told off at school and set aside sunday afternoons cleaning her room and doing homework. I wish this was my youngest as well. I have a wifi curfew on his xbox and he knows I can control it and make the curfew tighter without actually having to touch anything in his room, I can do the same with his phone.

Mischance · 06/10/2025 21:53

I know it is good in theory to be involved in your child's education but you cannot flog a dead horse - it is just causing endless aggro and simply not worth it.

Let the school deal with the no homework issue. Your relationship with your son is more important in the long term.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 06/10/2025 21:54

he’s in average or below average classes, the frustrating thing is he is intelligent if he applies himself.

sigh him being intelligent but disorganised and incapable of keeping track of invisible digital tasks makes it even more likely he has undiagnosed SEN as he is clearly working below his potential.

freerangefool · 06/10/2025 21:56

I'm reading a book by Gabor Maté, "Scattered Minds." I think you'll find it very helpful if you read it.

aCatCalledFawkes · 06/10/2025 21:56

shampop · 06/10/2025 21:48

Yes we basically switch off all screen time until homework is done, which is the only thing that works. But it’s just the fact that it’s such a battle. His school is a bit hit and miss with consequences. Some teachers do a lunchtime detention but with others there doesn’t seem to be any consequences. It’s not a case of him being ‘last minute and bright’ he’s in average or below average classes, the frustrating thing is he is intelligent if he applies himself. I just worry hugely for his future, it’s making me anxious and sad.

Our other DS (younger by a couple of years) is autistic and learning delayed (special needs school) but is a delight and we have no issues.

He will be fine in finding a job but a career may be a longer path for him if he has to resit maths and english and do a level 2 course. With my son I think its going to be extremely painful in the short term with resits etc but I do think he will be ok in the end when it all finally clicks.