DS13 refuses to do any homework, is lazy and zero motivation to do anything

[shampop]

Not sure what the answer is but I'm tearing my hair out over DS (13, year 9)
Getting him to do ANYTHING is a huge, exhausting battle. It was always difficult throughout his school life but is only getting worse (which is great since it's more vital than ever now).

He will just leave homework and not bother with it. I now have all his logins for homework apps and follow closely what needs to be done, but it's just constant resistance, shouting and arguing over doing the most simple tasks. We have resorted to switching off screen time until he does it. This works but still involves lots of anger, arguing and resentment from him- we are strict, horrible parents apparently. If he is left to it he just chooses not to any homework or school-set tasks. Nothing. He doesn't care one bit about his grades.

He is the same with chores or any task that is slightly boring. His room gets absolutely disgusting until I deep-clean and declutter it, he then promises to keep it tidy and within 2 days it's a state again. It's the same with everything- just unbelievably lazy and huge pushback if asked to do the most simple chores or tasks. He is so disorganised, won't sort any of his school things the night before etc.

Is anyone else's teen similar? I just feel so worried he's not going to be able to function in normal everyday life and just dreading the next few years. I'm a young mum and always second-guessing my parenting but he seems like such a disaster at the moment :(

This could be my son you’re talking about. He is diagnosed adhd so straight away I wondered if your could could be ND. I do ban screens until homework is done but then may forget to hide the remotes and he spends all afternoon watching tv. If his homework is electronic then he needs the laptop but will then spend hours on that instead of doing homework. It’s a never ending battle and because of his ND consequences have no impact whatsoever as his brain doesn’t work like that. He wont do his homework to prevent the consequence at school because in the moment all he can focus on is not doing it and the joy he gets out of the alternative and can’t see the consequence or the long term positive impact of doing it. Yes uncle just leave him to it but if he fails his maths and English there’s no way he will re-do them and then it’s going to be even more difficult for him to progress a career. I really don’t know what the solution is. I wish there was one as the nagging is killing me. He’s had all day yesterday and all day today to do it. He started it at 6:00pm today! He didn’t get it done so then he was banned from the tv but then he just watches YouTube on the laptop which I couldn’t remove as he was supposed to be doing homework on it. I need to see if there is a way I can block certain sites but I don’t think there is. I really don’t want to go to these extremes! I just want him to do the homework which he doesn’t get a lot off but he really can’t see that just a couple of hours knuckling down will make both of our lives easier.

I can’t believe some people are saying there are no consequences from school for not completing homework, my year 7DD got an afterschool detention on her 2nd week of starting high school for missing some homework.

We are fairly relaxed parents, we completely ignored homework in primary but made it clear we expected it to be done in high school. The school my DDs go to do issue consequences, negatives, lunchtime and after school detentions, missing clubs, team sports, missing rewards trips. For the most part this is incentive enough.

I think my first port of call would be talking to the school, discuss his behaviour if they can be more consistent with consequences. Speak to the SEN team to look at possible ADHD.

Next I’d look at how you discipline him. Shouting and arguing dosnt work in our house, consequences are what ever will have the most impact, removal of phones, tablets (homework can be done on old laptop), saying no to meeting up with friends, attending sleep overs, missing friends birthdays. If my dds don’t look after their rooms or things they don’t get nice things, pocket money gets taken away and so on. We don’t engage in sulking or arguing we calmly reiterate they know what to do to fix it.

2 out of 3 of my dds sound to some extent like your DS, one we are convinced has ADHD and suspect the 2nd is too but also not sure if she’s just lazy. My DH has adhd and what you have described is him as a teen. Arguing doesn’t work, talking calmly and not engaging when the adhd rage hits works best.

Id also stop cleaning his room, food and drink is banned in my 13yos room because of how disgusting it was getting. Her bin now dosnt get emptied, we will do it if she puts it at the top of the stairs the night before bins get emptied otherwise she takes it down herself or it overflows in her room. We now also don’t wash her clothes and bedding unless she takes them down to the kitchen. So far we haven’t made her wash them herself but only because atm we can’t afford to replace anything she destroys. Anytime she wants to go out and see friends she gets handed a spray & cloth and the hoover, she’s not allowed out until her room is acceptable enough we can leave her door open when she’s out. I also take this opportunity to air the room. At one point she would leave wet towels dumped all over her room until one night she couldn’t find one to dry herself, I told her that because she couldn’t respect her room and the fact the whole family use those towels not just her, she dosnt get to use them. There were plenty of the dogs towels in the dog box she could use one of those. She now hangs her towels straight up every time!

It’s a long time ago but I’m fairly sure at the early teens I would sit with them doing homework as encouragement sounding board and help if they got stuck.anyone do that?

Everything you have written shows how much you care about your DS. But it also screams undiagnosed SEN to me as well. Look up the symptoms of ADHD. Consider that he may have PDA. And sit with him whilst he works on his homework (in a positive, supporting way) - it can make a massive difference.

Yes I did this. My DD got so much. Some from every class - it was overwhelming

He would have no phone, no laptop, no nothing until he changed his ways

This sounds like an executive function issue I’d start finding strategies to deal with it in that way.

Does he have a phone and computer games? The obvious solution is to get rid of them 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t go into battle with him just calmly explain when you see an improvement in his attitude he can have them back.

Does he do sport? Go to the gym? I’d want some physical activity to get him motivated as well.

I may be coming across as soft and I had real problems motivating my DD by year 10 as she was so fed up she began to school refuse.

She used to leave house at 7.45am every day. Had a 15 min break and one hour lunch. School then finished at 4pm (no phones) commute home on bus, got in at 4.45pm and then had around 90 mins of homework if she could do it. Longer if she couldn’t and needed to research. It was so full on. She started conscientiously and then just had enough.

if she had after school she would be home at 5.30. A longer day than many adults. Eventually she gave up most after school sports just to stay on top of her work.
She felt that she had no time all week just for her.

She really changed during and became really interested in it. .

The fact that so much of the homework during GCSEs is screen based meant it was easier to be distracted. Homework that was completing a booklet based on a text book was always easier for her.
But she still had to go back on phone to cross check her homework app and tick it off and this would distract again.
Her school also had detention on the same day if homework wasn’t done, and this could be a double if you forgot two pieces. This was an hour and meant a commute home on her own - even more exhausting. She was in a constant state of worry she would forget something so I used to try and checklist her homework app with her and her school bag.

She has since done brilliantly at her further education- but I do think the gcse journey is tough.

Does he do any sport? Exercise can make a world of difference to teenagers, especially teenage boys.

Same here... DC is y11 and set to just fail GCSE if they do nothing.

Our plan of action which worked for y10 when concerns were raised:
DC has no fun devices during term time.

(can earn them for a weekend if exceptional behaviour or gone above & beyond on Homework... managed it twice to date for friends BD!)
Homework is done on my laptop same room as me or DH, we can see the screen. DC has a habit of downloading games if unsupervised.

Phone is off and away during Homework.
DC is allowed out to meet friends if Homework is done, they also have a social activity twice a week.

It's hard work the shouting blackmailing and refusal to do anything is exhausting.

But we do have some positive results and in the end it's done for their benefit, even if they don't see it.
-I'm fortunate enough to have a 2nd language, so when DC kicks off, I just sit down and read a book in said language- best way to disengage & switch off!--

Calling him lazy and useless is awful OP, I'm amazed no one else has picked up on that. No wonder he doesn't want to do anything you say, his self esteem is probably on the floor. Make sure you're not joining in with the shouting either - calm but firm.

I'd have been helping him with homework all the way through tbh, especially if there was any struggle. I'd also have a good routine in place from the start so homework is always done at the same time each day. I'd be telling him he's really intelligent, praising any effort he makes and reminding him of any previous good work he'd done. I'd be making sure what he was turning in was decent - so high expectations - but with lots of talking through and support.

I'd also pick my battles, if his room is a mess that's up to him, close the door and don't worry about it. I'd much rather they were doing their school work than tidying their rooms. When it gets to the holidays then I make sure they tidy their rooms.

What does he want to do when he leaves school? Having something to aim for can really, really help with motivation. I'd be talking about college courses he might be interested in, looking at different options he might not have even thought about like agricultural college, looking at the schools BTechs if A-levels are too much of a leap, encouraging him to think about uni and the different ways in, apprenticeships and how he can make himself stand out if he is interested in getting an apprenticeship. Having a future to work towards can really help.

It's a lot when you're on your own and having to try to do it all, but the best thing you can do is build connection, look at him positively and work with him. Telling someone they're lazy and useless is never going to motivate them.

Sounds like he has no pride in his academic side. Is he into sports, have other non-screen hobbies that he loves?

Can you link things like turning off the WiFi and devices to - if I hadn’t worked hard and passed my exams we wouldn’t have these

can you describe positive future to him - I could see you really enjoying being a policeman / working in cyber security and it would make good money but you need those exams to do that

when he gets his homework done - gosh you are actually better /faster than I was at your age - you can do it well - build confidence

his room - it’s his leave it

go for a drive in the car and try and ask if any problems and worries - they hate talking to your face it seems

I know, it’s just a case of sheer frustration and rage after everything else has failed. I’m not proud at how I’ve handled it, just don’t feel cut out to deal with it 😩 thank you for this post though it does help to hear it from other people, and I think you’re right about picking battles.

Not particularly. Trying to get him into hobbies and sports has also been a struggle over the years. We tried and encouraged many groups over the years (scouts, martial arts, sports) but he hated any type of organised group activity outside of school. He has recently joined the gym though and enjoys doing that. He only very occasionally does things with friends too.

This is a bit random OP but have you watched Educating Yorkshire? We’ve just finished the first series (as series 2 is just out) with our DS14 (a regular homework avoider/I don’t care about school) and it’s had a really positive effect on him. It’s rare for him to want to watch tv with us but we asked him to give it a go for 1 episode and he’s been hooked. There’s some amazing stories of some really challenging kids having that penny drop moment that if they don’t at least get a few GCSE’s they can’t go to college with their mates and will have to resist maths and English till they get a C (or equivalent) throughout college.

He sounds very demotivated.

I'd park the homework issue for now (leave it between him and school) and focus on experimenting with him to find routines that make him happier, more active and (if that's what he wants) more sociable before he starts the GCSE work next year. So rather than focusing on just getting the homework done, focus on him learning about his brain, what switches him on and off, what helps him concentrate and how he can help himself.

For example - I always struggled working in very quiet environments, like the school library or a study hall. A bit of background noise and bustle like in a cafe was helpful. I also struggle with working at home and find working out and about much easier.

I’ll give it a go thanks for the suggestion. I’ve not watched those programmes since the earlier series years ago. I think just watching something together would be nice anyway.

You can control it all from your phone if you get EE. They have an app.

You can block sites, put a general 'low medium high' thing on re porn, dating, social media, you can set timers that automatically block the WiFi, you can instantaneously block the WiFi and unblock it. You can put safe search and anti-something-blocker which blocks porn and other dodgy websites as standard. EE.

Also I don't think it's extreme. It's basic. I wouldn't let a 14/15yo out at 1am in Soho so they shouldn't be allowed unlimited internet. It can be ruinous.

Yer I googled this this week and I’m actually with EE sk will look in to this.

My DD has not been to school since July. She does no school work. She is bright but neurodivergent. The school and everyone in the home Ed community reassures me that years 7, 8 and 9 are time fillers until GCSEs. And even if she isn’t up to GCSEs in the usual time frame colleges and unis can find away to make it happen, studying Maths and English GCSEs alongside college courses etc. We are indoctrinated to think all kids must follow identical paths on exactly the same timeframes but it’s not realistic. Some mature at quicker speeds to others. Not to mention innate intelligence, neuro diversity and life events etc. There’s always a way and it’s never too late