DS13 refuses to do any homework, is lazy and zero motivation to do anything

[shampop]

Not sure what the answer is but I'm tearing my hair out over DS (13, year 9)
Getting him to do ANYTHING is a huge, exhausting battle. It was always difficult throughout his school life but is only getting worse (which is great since it's more vital than ever now).

He will just leave homework and not bother with it. I now have all his logins for homework apps and follow closely what needs to be done, but it's just constant resistance, shouting and arguing over doing the most simple tasks. We have resorted to switching off screen time until he does it. This works but still involves lots of anger, arguing and resentment from him- we are strict, horrible parents apparently. If he is left to it he just chooses not to any homework or school-set tasks. Nothing. He doesn't care one bit about his grades.

He is the same with chores or any task that is slightly boring. His room gets absolutely disgusting until I deep-clean and declutter it, he then promises to keep it tidy and within 2 days it's a state again. It's the same with everything- just unbelievably lazy and huge pushback if asked to do the most simple chores or tasks. He is so disorganised, won't sort any of his school things the night before etc.

Is anyone else's teen similar? I just feel so worried he's not going to be able to function in normal everyday life and just dreading the next few years. I'm a young mum and always second-guessing my parenting but he seems like such a disaster at the moment :(

I know a lot of people are saying 'time to get tough' etc. But it sounds like you're doing that and getting a lot of conflict in return. I would say that yes, you need to have expectations and consequences, but also you need to think about what your relationship with him is like. Do you spend time together and enjoy each other's company? Is there anything you do just the two of you?

Ime the relationship I have with my kids is a bit like a bank account that I top up with positive attention. Sometimes, I can make a withdrawal in terms of asking them to do stuff. BUT I have to always be in credit.

It sounds like you have tried getting heavy with him with limited success. I would suggest you drop as much fighting about homework as you can for a period of time and concentrate on building your relationship. You will probably need to limit his time on devices to make this possible. When the conflict has died down, sit down together and come to an agreement about homework: how much, when, what the consequences are for not doing it etc. I recommend the book 'How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk' as a way of navigating these conversations.

I would also avoid labelling him as 'lazy' in your mind. It's not helpful because it actually becomes an expectation.

Don’t battle, just have it turned off when he comes in. Do snack, drink, a tv programme. Then he can do it before he gets personal screens/games. Don’t argue, don’t explain. Tell him once (I used to text my kids and tell them, no emotion, just this is happening). Do it every day.

and let him suffer the personal consequences of handing it in late at school.

Mine is the same. Older though. ADHD and possibly PDA/autism too. Tried everything to support but he failed all his GCSEs and is now about to drop out of his level 1 college course. He’s a ball of rage and anxiety. Who knows what’s going to happen next?

My other child is well adjusted and doing really well.

This is like my year 9 child who has ADHD and dyslexia. The endless head to head battles don’t really achieve much ime. Better is to set short tasks with clear end points and rewards / outcomes. If this means they don’t complete everything, speak to school about prioritising homework tasks. Better to achieve smaller amounts with genuine learning and a positive feeling of success, than to attempt to do more when angry / panicky and fail it all - and then get detentions. You need to try to set up a positive cycle of success so they go into homework tasks with a calm, can do attitude not blind panic and stress.

Not all lazy teenagers have a medical condition!

Yes, I’ve called him lazy and on one very frustrated occasion ‘useless’ which I feel really guilty for. I feel very out of my depth.

I can relate to some of his issues as I was always very disorganised and ‘scattered’ too but I knew homework was important so I tried my best (even if it was often very last-minute) and cared about my exams and future. It’s just the sheer lack of caring and constant need to basically ‘rot’ and do nothing. He has a good life and no apparent problems. If we didn’t have strict limits on his phone he would literally spend every waking moment scrolling until the early hours.

Better to have a professional rule out undiagnosed ND than to assume it is a moral failing (laziness.)

The transition from primary to secondary & the start of GCSEs is a key time when a second wave of kids with ADHD/ASD/Dyslexia/Dyscalculia/Dyspraxia/etc are identified because the academic demands increase well beyond primary level which many intelligent kids with SEN could handle and still get a passing grade.

It is a fact that primary schools don’t flag for SEN assessment kids that a) are not behaviourally disruptive and b) get a passing grade “working to expected standard”

So the brighter a child is with SEN the more likely they will be diagnosed later in childhood or even as an adult.

Oh well you need change your language asap. Positivity. Go out at the wee, start bonding. Cinmae, food, havd fun together. Say j love you to him, everyday. Frame it differently. Say mummy makes mistakes too.
Then in a couple of weeks, hey , that homework , shall we look at it yogether? Ease off the criticism.

Ask school about homework club, every school has one. He could try that,
I'm a teacher, believe me, I understand.

Only homework and hobbies mid week, weekends can be screen time and socialising. Cut out every single distraction Monday to Friday.

He did have a little extra support at school initially when starting year 7, but he’s generally quite immature for his age and struggled with the transition. Waiting lists for ND assessments are years long and he certainly wouldn’t meet criteria for an EHCP or anything like that in the event of a diagnosis, so not sure what a formal diagnosis would even achieve, available support would be exactly the same. although I do appreciate he has some traits. I just want to find a way to work with him and improve the situation 😩

He refuses to go to homework club too 🙄

Thank you. Yes I think I do need to try and take a more positive angle sometimes. I just feel so worn down and burnt out by it.

If he's immature and intelligent but underperforming, that may well be ADHD (recent diagnosis here, and I suspect my older DC may have it too). One of the common traits is being emotionally immature compared to your peers, and that's something I remember from my teens, that feeling of always being one step behind.

There are strategies that you can use to combat its effects, but a lot of people only achieve their full potential on meds. It might be worth seeking a diagnosis even if just to rule it out.

I've been on your shoes and it was stressful and I felt out of my depth but after attending workshops on parenting teens I backed off a lot and focused more on supporting him and building / maintaining our connection.

He completed school but did very poorly but now is thriving out on the world. His room is still largely a disaster but he's at work on time and they love him. Things do go wrong but he takes ownership and sorts it himself (often after coming to us for advice). We have a really good relationship with us and he often tells me his much he appreciates that we have his back.

Humour helps. Also short, clear instructions - "Do this and then this will happen".

If it is ADHD, there is often a huge mental barrier to starting a task. It's actually painful to begin, it's something that you build up and build up until it saps all motivation.

It's worth investigating ND etc. because it does inform the best approach to take. ND children are both criticised more often and they are more sensitive to criticism. So it can become a bit of a vicious cycle.

I think it’s so hard @shampop ! You have my sympathy. My DC was the same at this age. Such an effort and slog, then aced ALevels and degree. Incredibly motivated.

My advice would be remember school is tiring and long. I think they need a break when they get in. Your relationship with him is important. If you’re having fun together and doing stuff as family, physical activity - they’re more likely to listen when you ask them. In year 8 and 9 we used to plan out the week and what was needed to be done to avoid detentions. I admit I used to help with some art and project work so they could concentrate on main subjects. DD used to say she was overwhelmed and exhausted by the 8.20am start, 4 pm finish and bits of homework every night from most lessons. This is when I helped.

there was a giant shift at A Level - doesn’t mean it will stay like it is now - especially if you keep good communication going. It is a really tough time, especially in some schools with early starts and long commutes x

I think that while you definitely should bear SEN in mind and maybe speak to school about that, it’s strikes me that your interventions are bringing a lot of conflict to your relationship with him and a lot for him to rebel against / dislike you for.
Back off, his room can be an untidy pit so long as there’s not food or crockery etc rotting in there. Back off from the homework altogether for a while, you’re early in y9, give him the chance to fail or to be punished then he will learn for himself what the consequences are.
He needs to learn for himself that he needs to pay attention and work otherwise he’ll fail. He does have time to catch up y9 is notorious for behavioural issues and school will have seen it all before.

If he does have adhd or other additional needs he will need to learn strategies to deal with it and to accept help but that is unlikely while he is feeling got at or defiant

Do you have any info on the workshop or anything similar? Would really like to do one.

Yes. Teacher here too. Year 9 is tricky. Lots of friendship issues, lack of motivation (some kids will have already decided they are ‘not doing’ a subject so are apathetic or disruptive) and you’re not a child and also not an adult. Hormones all over the place. A stinky angry mess one day and a cherub the next.

Could you organise a ‘meeting’ at the weekend? Send him an agenda and what you will say eg:

I’d/we’d like to talk to you at the weekend. We want to talk about:
homework- and how we can help you to get it done
why we feel school and homework are so important and we want to understand how you feel about it
your room and how we can manage it -can we declutter and sell some things (you can keep the money you make)
where we should go on holiday next year
two things you’d like to talk about with us. …tell us beforehand so we also can have a think about solutions.

Suggest maybe he writes a letter or some points down about what he wants to talk about for all the points you’ve raised, and maybe movie and popcorn after? Point out meetings are discussions and everyone had their chance to shape what happens.

There are lots of things you
could suggest - 2 hours a week where one of you sits and helps him -particularly with one thing he hates. Offer to help him sort school bag (shudder!). Make sure you’ve decided your non negotiables eg I think the no screens outside of school work for 2 hours a day Mon-Thurs is a great idea.

Also ask him what he’d like to see in terms of ‘rewards’ -more you time? A reward for going to homework club? A spot check of the room on a Sunday afternoon but no comments at any other time?

Honestly you are doing great. He’ll probably
be more motivated in year 10/11 anyway and teachers totally understand (and are delighted to see involved parents, even if it’s not working right now)

All the ‘take their screens away’ people are hilarious. What do you do with a child who has no interest in computers/phones/games in the first place and doesn’t mind sitting in endless detentions? Withhold food? Unfortunately some children, particularly ones with learning difficulties you basically have no leverage over.

I had one like this. In hindsight, it’s phones. And tablets/ PlayStation. All of it. It’s not about not letting them have the dopamine delivery systems they are addicted to until homework is done. It’s the fact that basically they are desperately addicted to these in the first place. My kid was a massive reader. Got his first smart phone, and the PS- never read another book.
Really, the only answer is to not let them have all this stuff in the first place, or to massively restrict them from the off. I tried, but not hard enough, and so much from school is online. Covid was the tipping point really- school became online only for basically a year and things deteriorated even more. Homework was never done and I hoped for detentions etc but they did nothing.
Things got a bit better, but it’s been gradual and painful to learn the self discipline needed to focus on anything that’s not quick fire screen based entertainment.
So, I would try and encourage anything that’s not screen based- sports, outdoor activities, volunteering to try and teach his brain that reward can come from other things.

Get rid of all technology apart from the things he needs to complete the homework. When he is mature enough to meet his basic responsibilities without insufferable amounts of cajoling, he can earn them back bit by bit. Same goes for other 'big kid' privileges.

I really feel for you. I'm a few years ahead of you and I'll tell you how it went for us. Exactly the same as you + constant phone calls from school, detentions etc. Tried every single consequence and method that we could but it just made no difference. Those years were beyond tough. We were convinced he'd be a gamer forever and just waste his life away.
How it went - scraped GCSEs (being honest) but got enough to get him through to next stage. Post 16 went to college and things improved quite a bit and started to hold down a p/t job at the same time. Still didn't put in tonnes of effort, but not the constant school battles. Still gaming etc quite a bit. Doing an extended BTec. Then chose to go to uni. Very surprised! Has chosen a more vocational degree but loving it at uni. Hasn't even set his games console up at uni and he's been there nearly a month. Super active - gym, hiking, lovely friends, still at his part time job, really engaged. Completely different person!

Yes he's scraped through a few bits. Couldn't have been a doctor with his grades lol. But - he's actually come out in a great position and slowly slowly the ship turned. Have faith!!

@Fluffyowl00thats brilliant advice. Also a teacher (Sen)