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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Constant detentions for skirt length

522 replies

Falcon1 · 05/10/2025 08:36

My DD is 13. Since starting year 8 she’s had weekly detentions for rolling up her skirt and has been on report. She was also on report twice last year for the same thing. I keep getting emails from the school about it, but really - what can I do? This last detention we’ve said enough is enough and have grounded her but she is entirely unbothered. Her take is that she wants to wear her skirt the way she likes it and will keep doing so, and that the teachers should stop being so obsessed with her legs being on display. I kind of agree to be honest, particularly as she is doing fine academically. But I worry she’s going to be in detention her whole school career and it’s making her hate the school.

any advice most gratefully received!

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 05/10/2025 11:10

TwoFatDucklings · 05/10/2025 10:48

My DD goes to an all girls school. They're not rolling their skirts up for the non existent boys. They're not doing it to sexualise themselves. There's no one on the campus to sexualise them.

Do non of us have mothers who were teens in the 60s? This isn't a new thing. Fashion goes round in circles.

When my DD started at her secondary school the fashion was skinny leg trousers. No one wore school skirts. The school had a rule that the trouser legs had to be wide enough for a pencil placed inside the waist of trousers to fall out of the leg at the bottom. How on earth does the fit of a trouser leg affect children's ability to learn? Still it's an utterly irrelevant rule now because they all wear skirts, rolled twice.

Show quote history

I was a teenager in the 60's. I went to an all girls school. Most of us rolled our skirts because the mini had just come in. Don't remember anyone getting a detention as our skirts were never as short as the ones I see on the schoolgirls in our town. My mother eventually shortened my skirt, no mean feat I add, to a nice length. Everyone was happy

Edited for typo

orangina01 · 05/10/2025 11:12

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 10:38

Have any of the “step up and parent” posters ever parented a non entirely biddable teenage girl? I always assume they are the parents of toddlers or boys only.

I have a teen girl the same age, also at a local comp. Mine is defiant sometimes, of course, but knows I am the parent and there are some rules in life and at school. So she follows them...

Hoppinggreen · 05/10/2025 11:12

Falcon1 · 05/10/2025 08:52

I’m torn between thinking let school deal with it and coming down hard at home - I really don’t know what the right approach is. She feels disrespected at school and generally she responds much better with rationale for why she should do something rather than punishment. She is very stubborn when she wants to be so I’m concerned about potentially making things worse!

She feels disrespected at school?
She sounds like a pain in the arse to be honest

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 05/10/2025 11:12

Is there another way she could channel her desire to be herself/express herself I wonder. Instead of focusing on skirt length. Hairstyle, nails, earrings to name a few. Could be worth exploring! No matter who's right, some things are just not worth the battle! It's a good thing that she's questioning the way things are done really. She obviously feels strongly if it keeps happening. There could be another way she could debate it or be herself

DorothyStorm · 05/10/2025 11:12

Poppingby · 05/10/2025 10:53

This is gross. Enjoying the attention? 'fully aware of the implications '?

12 yr old girls are getting used to their bodies no longer belonging to themselves, fuelled by this sort of frankly disgusting discourse. They are just existing. Wearing clothes and having legs.

Show quote history

It is NOT about legs. It is butt cheeks on display. Teen girls showing their bottoms in school. Why do you think that is appropriate?

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:13

DontReinMeIn · 05/10/2025 10:59

Just let her get on with it.

it’s really not that deep and to be honest I find the constant policing of what children wear to be so strange. It’s time to do away with a uniform in general I think.

there’s some strange deep rooted ideas that you must be dressed up to do a good job. I’ve recently started a new job and it’s a really casual office, and my mum actually said she thinks it’s wrong because people do a better job in a dress/shirt and tie!!

I agree with your mum. Wearing professional gear puts my head into work mode.

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 11:15

Mine were at a girls school it’s not for boys it’s for fashion / to be cool.

Short of giving up my job and following them round yanking skirts down not sure. Would like to hear solutions from the critics. Not ones that involve yelling and screaming and permanently damaging the relationship with otherwise lovely girls.

Myblueclematis · 05/10/2025 11:15

I was at school in the late 60s to early 70s and we always rolled our skirts up. Our deputy headmistress was very, very strict and would tell us to roll them back down again which we always did. No one dared to challenge her as she was pretty fearsome.

As soon as we went through the school gates at home time though, up they went again ... 😆

Happy days!

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:16

CoralPombear · 05/10/2025 09:55

She follows the rules of she gets the detentions. She is old enough to understand this now.

Yup, and then a suspension when the school gets fed up with her inability to follow a simple rule that everyone else has no trouble with.

thereneverwasacloudyday · 05/10/2025 11:17

softlyfallsthesnow · 05/10/2025 10:58

@CrystalShoe
" Thirdly, repeated detentions will leave a black mark on her record even if she does well in exams. Remember this: The school will give references to universities. Her making such a big issue of disobeying school rules makes her look extremely bad. Tell her that it makes her look as if she thinks she's too special to obey the rules that everyone else does, even if she doesn't think that at all"

Exactly this. Her school record will last much longer than Year 8. If she's so bright then you can explain the consequences of this. Then let her choose. The skirt is a sideshow really.

If she does really well on her GCSEs, it really won't make a difference.

Ask me how I know. 😂

MyDeftDuck · 05/10/2025 11:18

We all did it at school and there’ll be countless girls doing it for decades to come.
Have you tried explaining that girls don’t have to show loads of flesh to attract attention? That it’s their personality, kindness and charming disposition that’s really attractive to others? This might sound old fashioned to some but the words of our Domestic Science teacher still resonate with me……”be yourself, those who window shop are only interested in what’s on display. Restrict the view and it will attract genuine interest”.

TheignT · 05/10/2025 11:18

SuziQuinto · 05/10/2025 08:52

Also, it's not "legs" on display. The girls wear tube skirts which just cover their underwear, and sometimes not.
Our rules changed to ban tube skirts, but many parents sent their daughters in with them anyway. It's everywhere.

I wore minis in the 60s with the best of them and I'm not generally shocked but I was out just after schools came out and the girl in front of me was wearing a blazer and her buttocks were on show. When she turned round I could see she did have a very short skirt on and presumably was wearing a thong, I hope, but to see her bum waggling along in clear view below her blazer did rather surprise me.

There is short and then there is short.

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:22

Slimtoddy · 05/10/2025 09:33

Get her to explain why she does it. What is she rebelling against. Does she resent something about being responsible for the lecherous behaviour of others? Really try and understand it.

It's interesting that her academics are not impacted.

I personally don't like uniforms but I am a rule follower as are my kids but I do think uniforms are nonsense. I do think eventually she will be expelled if she keeps ignoring the rules. I think you might get her to follow the rules if you acknowledge they are nonsense but in life to get by you often have to follow rules.

I think uniforms are a good thing. They're an equaliser and if everyone can wear mufti, there are going to be huge differences between what the kids wear depending on household wealth, and that's not fair.

I was on holiday in NY and I saw busloads of American schoolkids, where they don't have uniform. They all looked dreadful compared to our smart schoolkids. All wearing loose tracksuits and hoodies. So scruffy. School uniform instils a sense of school pride and community spirit, and readies children for the world of work where, usually, you're expected to look smart and can't just show up wearing a tracksuit and hoodie - usually.

Bunnycat101 · 05/10/2025 11:25

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:22

I think uniforms are a good thing. They're an equaliser and if everyone can wear mufti, there are going to be huge differences between what the kids wear depending on household wealth, and that's not fair.

I was on holiday in NY and I saw busloads of American schoolkids, where they don't have uniform. They all looked dreadful compared to our smart schoolkids. All wearing loose tracksuits and hoodies. So scruffy. School uniform instils a sense of school pride and community spirit, and readies children for the world of work where, usually, you're expected to look smart and can't just show up wearing a tracksuit and hoodie - usually.

Show quote history

Except.. work has become more casual in even a lot of very traditional places. When I first started, I was in smart dresses, jackets and heels. Now I do often work in a hoodie if I’m working from home and have no external meetings. Both of my children have school uniform that comes with lots more rules than my workplace.

mysoulmio · 05/10/2025 11:25

Schools should just make the non trousers uniform option a skort and then be done with it. I went to school in the middle east and that was the girls uniform, looked like skirts but were actually skorts. Pretty hideous but comfortable, warm and less chafing tbh.

Here they should specify pleated skirts maybe as they are harder to roll an dyehy surely get sick off all the extra material round the waist? The problem relaly is the rise of all thes jerseybtibe skirts and letting them where 'any black skirt' rather than specifying in the uniform policy 'black pleated skirt with button' or whatever.

Brickiscool · 05/10/2025 11:27

Can she get around the rule by not rolling up her skirt but wearing a smaller size?! My 15 year old wears a size 10 skirt! When they check to see if it's rolled it's not and she doesn't get into trouble.

Newname25 · 05/10/2025 11:27

Tell her to stop being so arrogant. Its not a great trait to have! Honestly my friends daughter is doing the same thing except with school shoes. And her mothers attitude is well they should know she doesn't like to be told to do.things.

In life we all have.to abode by certain rules and conformities. You're doing her no favours by not explaining this to her

Figcherry · 05/10/2025 11:27

I would accompany her to and from school wearing your own mini skirt as short as possible and tell her that you’ll be doing it everytime she gets a detention.
Bet she’ll stop in a week.

MikeRafone · 05/10/2025 11:30

buy her trousers to wear and ditch the skirts

Ddakji · 05/10/2025 11:30

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:22

I think uniforms are a good thing. They're an equaliser and if everyone can wear mufti, there are going to be huge differences between what the kids wear depending on household wealth, and that's not fair.

I was on holiday in NY and I saw busloads of American schoolkids, where they don't have uniform. They all looked dreadful compared to our smart schoolkids. All wearing loose tracksuits and hoodies. So scruffy. School uniform instils a sense of school pride and community spirit, and readies children for the world of work where, usually, you're expected to look smart and can't just show up wearing a tracksuit and hoodie - usually.

Show quote history

That’s absolute drivel. DD was at a non-uniform primary (there are a few near us) and there was an excellent sense of community and school pride. If a school needs uniform to achieve that, the leadership of the school can’t be up to much.

Unless you proscribe everything, there’s plenty of ways even with uniform for the bullies to single you out. I was bullied for having the wrong bag, shoes, etc etc.

We are part of Europe, which manages perfectly well without uniform. The European kids I see in the UK on school trips look perfectly fine to me.

And plenty of kids wear cheap uniform which just looks scruffy.

SuziQuinto · 05/10/2025 11:31

Figcherry · 05/10/2025 11:27

I would accompany her to and from school wearing your own mini skirt as short as possible and tell her that you’ll be doing it everytime she gets a detention.
Bet she’ll stop in a week.

😂😂love it!

thirdfiddle · 05/10/2025 11:32

Would like to hear solutions from the critics. Not ones that involve yelling and screaming and permanently damaging the relationship with otherwise lovely girls.

Calm firm conversation. Like you do with any other teenaged boundary-pushing. No I won't accept shouting at family members, no I won't accept gaming at midnight on a school night, no I won't accept a diet of junk food and not turning up at mealtimes, yes you need to do your homework before you go into town, no I won't accept repeated detentions for uniform infractions.

OP says her DD is susceptible to reason, so give her the reasons. Discuss peer pressure and patriarchy and the pressure on girls to look sexualised and that school should be a place to have a break from all that. School is not a fashion parade, you are wasting your teachers' time and you need to stop. Offer trousers as a way to look individual and opt out of the skirt length competition.

luckylavender · 05/10/2025 11:32

You could try & support the school …

CrystalShoe · 05/10/2025 11:32

Ddakji · 05/10/2025 11:30

That’s absolute drivel. DD was at a non-uniform primary (there are a few near us) and there was an excellent sense of community and school pride. If a school needs uniform to achieve that, the leadership of the school can’t be up to much.

Unless you proscribe everything, there’s plenty of ways even with uniform for the bullies to single you out. I was bullied for having the wrong bag, shoes, etc etc.

We are part of Europe, which manages perfectly well without uniform. The European kids I see in the UK on school trips look perfectly fine to me.

And plenty of kids wear cheap uniform which just looks scruffy.

Show quote history

Many people and organisations have the same view about uniform, which is why they exist. And the point about differences in wealth is a strong one. You can disagree, but there's no need to be so rude as to dismiss my opinion as "absolute drivel."

Ddakji · 05/10/2025 11:32

Bunnycat101 · 05/10/2025 11:25

Except.. work has become more casual in even a lot of very traditional places. When I first started, I was in smart dresses, jackets and heels. Now I do often work in a hoodie if I’m working from home and have no external meetings. Both of my children have school uniform that comes with lots more rules than my workplace.

Show quote history

I recently did a thread with poll about work clothes and the vast majority were smart casual, with maybe even numbers being completely causal or business suit.

So business suits are very much a minority dress code these days.

I have no idea why so many sixth forms insist on this outdated dress code - especially when they want the kids to go to uni where it’s a completely clothing free-for-all.