How to be the teen house?

[newbluesofa]

I know this is many people's worst nightmare, but my husband and I have always said we want to be a home where our children and their friends feel welcome to come over whenever, be the place they like to hang out and feel comfortable. We grew up together and had a house like that to hang out at and it meant a lot to us.

How do you cultivate a home like that? Welcoming but expecting respect. Making them feel safe and comfortable yet supervised. Relaxed yet responsible. Are any of you the house where all the teens hang out?

I think it sort of comes naturally, you're either that type or not.

We have been that house. You just have rules in place, it’s not hard.

I wanted to be the teen house but it wasn't to be. I think some of it is out of your control - are your children gregarious types who will want to invite crowds of people back to their house? Are you and your dh those people? The houses my kids ended up hanging out at had parents who entertained their own friends enthusiastically as well.

If all the personalities are right, make sure you have somewhere for them to hang out, good games console equipment and/or a fun outside space, and let your kids know that you welcome their friends.

I would have been happy to be that house but my teens don't want it. They are both protective of their personal space and like to keep family and friends separate. However, when they've had girlfriends, they've been very happy to have them at ours, and ds19's gf is very much one of the family at this point, so I don't think it's us!
So I suppose you just can't force it.

Having space helps. We have boundaries and are welcoming but are not intrusive. And lots and lots of food!

I think it depends on the most convenient location to be honest.

The teen houses were the ones with the dens, lots of space, near where we used to hang out etc

We've been that house at times.

Some of it is circumstances - we've got plenty of space indoors but rubbish outdoor space, so in the summer the houses with nice hot tubs/pools/gardens etc were more popular. Each of my children have their own bedrooms, we have a playroom and big open plan living space. It would be very different if there were younger siblings sharing rooms who need to go to bed earlier etc.

Mine always have friends over, have sleepovers here etc.

I think it helps that we've made it clear it's ok to invite people, we will give lifts, provide food, bedding etc as required.

I always have snacks in store, things like crisps and dips, pizzas and wedges etc.

I don't massively mind about things like shoes on or off and food/drinks upstairs and try to be flexible and accommodating rather than sticking to a timetable etc.

Let your child invite his/ her friends over for a big football game or some other celebration.

Order them lots of Dominoes pizzas and cans of coke.

Do not try to join in but let them know that they are welcome and to make themselves at home.

Be the one to offer lifts and to drop them off.

I was brought up in a home that welcomed teenagers and I successfully emulated the same environment for my children.
All friends welcome
Happy to accommodate over night stays even if late at night
Food available at all times so that the teenagers could make snacks ,toasties etc
Not too bothered about mess as long as my children and their friends cleared up
Picked my battles, only moaned if kept awake by noise
We had a large garden so hosted lots of teenager parties.
Now 10 years later I still occasionally see my children’s old friends when out and about,always have a good catch up.
Only strict rules were no drugs ,which luckily none of my children werw Interested in .
Alcohol allowed in later teens but only beers .

We have one pre-teen child who is super sociable and would invite the whole class over if he could, and one autistic child who doesn’t want anybody in his space.

The solution for us is we are building a garden room that can be a hangout for our social child and his friends - basically a living area with TV, PlayStation and sofa beds, a small kitchenette (really just a fridge and microwave but we will keep it stocked with snacks), and a toilet. They’ll be able to access it through the side gate so won’t disturb us. It means they’re basically on our property, we’re available if needed and know they’re safe, but also they get space away from us and we don’t have to listen to their nonsense, so it’s a win win.

I don't want to be the teen house! Snacks are extortionate these days & I like my interiors 😆

Interesting concept. Why on earth would you want to be a magnet for other people's teenagers?

Lots of good advice here thanks all! I'd thought more about personality/parenting style but it's a very good point to consider the actual physical space. And to have snacks readily available, I like the toasties idea. And good idea to invite friends over for an event, good way to set a precedent.

A lot of it is location.
We live very close to the DCs school and their friends were pretty spread out (Private school) and they used to bring friends home pretty often after school while waiting for parents/buses.
Having an extra room they can hang out in helps too as does a full fridge

It worked for us because we got to know all their friends and I enjoyed their company.
Has paid off long term because my children appreciate their upbringing ,and happy that they had parents who welcomed their friends .
I would recommend this approach rather than teenagers hanging around in streets and parks for entertainment.

We found with two of our children we've been that house. And weirdly we never offer food or supply anything but we just don't also interrupt anything. So I think they like the fact that we just leave them alone. I know that one of my youngest friends mum would like them to hang around at hers and she's definitely the type to supply cookies and pizza and keep popping in to ask if anyone wants anything and they never go there. So I'm just assuming that's why cuz we are the hosts with the least 🤣

Being the teen house gives a really excellent insight into what is going on with the teens.

One particular child no longer appearing - issue in the friends group.
One particular child staying over more often - issues at home.
One child not staying over when another is - issues in the friend group.

You also hear and overhear a lot. I was able to intervene in two downright dangerous situations just by overhearing stuff going on and speaking to mine.

It also really helped my kids feel able to discuss things with us that they may not have done otherwise. We had several "so, you probably overheard that X has been doing Y..." type conversations.

I had rules that I stuck with at all times so everyone knew the boundaries, and that seemed to actually be something the kids liked. Even if they didn't really like, or agree with, a rule they liked that it was consistent.

It can also impact on your relationship with other parents. One friend dropped me when I refused to specifically listen in when her daughter was here and tell me everything that I'd heard. Another was very pissed off when I wouldn't allow her 15 year old to rock up to a party with a bottle of vodka. She really struggled to grasp that "she's allowed, I said so" didn't apply in my house!

You really couldn’t think of any advantages of this?

I am that house. Be careful what you wish for! I have had to tighten up the rules. Honestly, the two main things seem to be a well stocked fridge and being kind and friendly.

I disagree with those people saying you need lots of space and to provide endless food. The actual answer is to be welcoming and warm and show an interest in the kids (without being intrusive).

My (still) best friend lived in the teen house... It was just her and her mum, it was a crappy little flat and they were dirt poor. But her mother loved having teens round, and we loved being there - I spent far more weekends there as a teen than in my own home - where my mother was rude and judgemental, and went out of her way to make my friends uncomfortable....

We also wanted houses where parents weren't really about! Maybe it depends on the teens!

We were the teen house!
Farmers so there was always something exciting going on
rope swings and den building
go cart building and camping out .
remember one time when it rained I came down to a kitchen full of 12 teens and their soaking sleeping bags and my kids busy doing bacon and eggs for everyone !
and as they got older a barn that was floored and when older a bar was built .
never any trouble with drugs or alcohol. We were lucky with the particular crowd and they want to be asked to leave!
not cheap at times but I was honoured to be the first adult dome of the kids confided in ,
teen pregnancy and coming out just two of the issues.
Kids in their 30s now .
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Don’t want to be asked to leave that should say

Because Teens are generally great, one of DS's mates always brings me a bar of chocolate and they are absolutely hilarious