How to be the teen house?

[newbluesofa]

I know this is many people's worst nightmare, but my husband and I have always said we want to be a home where our children and their friends feel welcome to come over whenever, be the place they like to hang out and feel comfortable. We grew up together and had a house like that to hang out at and it meant a lot to us.

How do you cultivate a home like that? Welcoming but expecting respect. Making them feel safe and comfortable yet supervised. Relaxed yet responsible. Are any of you the house where all the teens hang out?

No one is allowed to smoke or vape in my house.

When smoking (not weed, just smoking) came up with one of DD2's friend when they were 15 I told them to get their mum to give me a call to say she was ok with it, as she was claiming she was, and I'd consider letting them smoke at the end of the garden. Funnily enough never heard from the mum and smoking was never mentioned again.

I am/was (3 mid twenties and 3 16 and under now - so sort of two stages of being the teen house) one of the strictest on alcohol as well.

Being the hangout house doesn't automatically mean being the parents that never say no.

No we never allowed smoking of anything. That may be your experience of teens. It wasn’t ours. We were usually around, the house isn’t so spacious that we wouldn’t know instantly.

We were this house as teens. My mum would find a gang of sleeping teenagers on the sofa and floor most Saturday and Sunday mornings. People still come up to her to thank her for the fry ups!

Comfortable and ample seating, space, a full fridge and pantry at all times.

it is worth the expense and mess.

I tried to make this house welcoming with this in mind op, but only had partial success. The reality is that teens think differently to adults. When it comes to a choice between ours with plenty of space, an open welcome but I make myself pretty scarce, and a carefully curated snack cupboard, or a mates house where most of the time the mum only lets them stay in the garden and even then a bit grudgingly (she's nice enough really!), no snacks, but is 5 mins closer to school and town than ours - guess where they congregate most of the time...?! 😆

We were that house.

We have a huge kitchen diner plus a conservatory that’s the size of a decent living room attached to it. They had that space plus zero carpet to worry about spills. We had the post GCSE party at our house with about 40 attendees, that was a night to remember. Because so few of DS mates parents wanted the hassle and we were ok with it, it just became natural. Also have a decent size garden with an outside table and sofas. Alcohol ok but zero smoking of anything. I remember stepping over teens to put the kettle on in the morning. They did always clear up after that was the rule. The last very big party was NYE 2019. Twenty teens, knew almost all of them, DS burst through and said it wasn’t right we were sat in the sitting room alone. Played beer pong, I won and had a great time, DH became legend by doing shots. We didn’t know what was coming.

We are teen hangout house for DC2 but barely met any of DC1's friends so doesn't always follow. Aside from being quite near town one big lure for DC2 and his mates is the covered outdoor kitchen/dining area we created a couple of years ago with a massive table (seats 20). DC2 bought a darts board and they sit out there all evening playing darts or card games, chatting, drinking as they got older and I'd provide a steady supply of cheap snacks and leave them to it but will chat if they come in.

As the weather turns we probably won't see them as much aside from the odd sleepover but this is limited on numbers purely due to lack of indoor space. Can't remember the last time DC1 had a friend over but they all smoke weed (much to my disgust) and he knows I won't allow that at home or in the garden so suspect that's why they don't come here.

I wonder if you're one of the places I used to sometimes end up as a teenager? I was a few years younger so only occasionally ended up at stuff but they had a barn with ancient sofas stacked up on pallets to make a sort of cinema set up, and a bar etc. It was a fab place to visit, very specific to the countryside though.

My friends used to have a full DJ set/sound system set up between them (one owned the amp etc) and we'd go and set up in a variety of barns, depending whose parents/uncle/grandpa could be persuaded to turn a blind eye for the weekend. No ID required and definitely BYOB!

A separate ‘play’ room, pizzas, and LIFTS HOME worked for us.

it did mean that I pretty much didn’t have a drink on a Friday or Saturday night for years, but hey

Absolutely not

We were The House for a bit - DS's room is quite a big dormer in the loft, so there was space for his friends and they had a bit of privacy from me, plus I kept a decent supply of snacks and had things like pizza in the freezer so I could feed unexpected guests. DS is an only child so I always made an effort to welcome his friends here (despite being an extreme introvert with social anxiety, so I was screaming inside at first!), so by the time they were teens it was really familiar to them. Another house took over when DS and his friends were about 15 and made a new friend, because that kid's mum was always out at work so they had the place to themselves. I missed it and found it quite stressful that they were completely unsupervised, but they drifted back here after a while.

Absolutely not, in our case. We had no smoking at all in the house or garden, ever, and DS and his friends don't smoke anyway and are really into fitness/the gym.

I think it depends a lot on your kids personalities too. DC1 is more outgoing, so often has their gang of friends over at ours. DC2 is shyer, so doesn’t like proposing plans to their friends, so they always end up at the house of the natural “leader” of the group.

Obviously the house and welcome here is the same for DC1 and DC2 (as PP have said, the key being having their own space and my being friendly but not intrusive). I’ve been assured there’s nothing putting them off coming here, DC2 just doesn’t want to do the hosting.

ETA: And I totally get DC2, I was the same! All my mum’s efforts to be the teen house were in vain as I preferred to keep my home life private. I did tell DC2 it’s not fair to always expect someone else to host you, so they’ve made a few efforts, but only having people over one on one, they’re just not keen on hosting large groups.

we used to be that house. There are rules about what is allowed and they are enforced.

I still see some of them around town with their children and they say hello and stop for a chat.

My mum gave us lifts to discos/nightclubs/concerts, let me invite friends round, gave us space when we had parties but was always able to have a laugh with my friends. When I was younger I tended to have girls slumber parties but at 16 I started having parties with boys and girls, she would go to a friend’s nearby until midnight but then would be back in the house, usually in the kitchen telling embarrassing stories. My mum used to have a few parties and gatherings every year herself so inviting people around and hosting has always been natural to me. My older brother never hosted parties (wasn’t his thing) but him and his friends used to gate crash mine which annoyed the hell out of me - we are relatively close in age.

When we were over 16 my friends were allowed to bring beer but no spirits - I didn’t actually drink myself probably because it wasn’t forbidden. My mum said she’d prefer people drinking beer in the house than sneaking off to have vodka in a field.

My mum was quite strict, dad less so but our house was like this. I was an only child and what my parents did was turn the spare room into a sort of den I suppose. I slept in the box room but the spare room had a desk in it for homework, a basic stereo black and white portable tv. . It also had a “ putyouup “ now known as a sofa bed. My friends both sexes would sit up there playing music ( not too loudly) and chatting. Mum didn’t feed them but would let girls stay over sometimes. We didn’t sit in the lounge with my parents or kitchen and wouldn’t have wanted to, but this worked well. My dad was a policeman which in these circumstances worked in my favour. We didn’t need to be hanging out on street corners.

How old are your children atm op? @newbluesofa

Both my sons had big health issues. DC1 became deeply depressed after the death of DH. He couldn't face school, was very withdrawn.

DC2 had very unstable type 1 diabetes. Ambulances as often as every couple of months. So both boys missed a lot of school.

Luckily they had friends who still wanted to see them, which pleased me. So we became the meeting place. Sleepovers of 5 kids for each boy every Friday and Saturday. And this went on for many years.

I'm a widow, so just me to make the rules. They were simple and few. They had to greet me when they arrived (I was very often at the kitchen table). Courtesy was obligatory. I didn't offer snacks apart from the odd pot noodle, but I made supper for everyone. Great roasting tins of lasagne. They're adults now but they still remember my lasagne.

I went to bed about 10 in a huge nighty, leaving my door open,and the rule was don't do anything to wake Prawn. Kept mayhem well under control. Drunk kids make a noise.

The final rule was that no one could bunk off in my house.

The rules worked fine. What interested me is that I only once had to ban a boy. All the rest of the time the boys as a group excluded anyone who didn't fit in/keep the rules.

We weren’t the teen house but lived beside it in the countryside when I was growing up. This might not help, but the house was a sort of L shape, with one side that was for the two siblings (who got on reasonably well) and the other was mum and dad’s. Kitchen and living room in middle but we as kids had a den and a lot of privacy. Mum and dad did lifts. Lots of food around. Not precious about mess or anything.

my house is definitely this house. It’s a bit annoying sometimes as I don’t see much of my daughter but I also like it - as I know where they are and I’ve created freedom, independence but also a safe place . My daughter is nearly 14, she has a big room, we live walking distance to town, school, youth club and in their words I’m considered a “cool mum” I rarely say no to sleep overs and friends popping in when ever.

They are all good kids, mostly girls are in and sleep over quite a lot, but boys sometimes pop over too. I think a lot of it is down to location of where we live but it did happen a bit in our old house too which was 10 min drive from school. I think they feel any of them can talk to me about anything …..and they do. I treat them like my own when they are here, we have banter but they are all respectful. I’m very lenient but they would also know if I was annoyed about something.

im sure it also helps that I have a very funny much younger son who they all find hilarious….. half the time I swear they are coming to see him, he’s often sat with them playing Roblox or having a laugh.

my parenting style may not be how everyone does things but I’m grateful it’s developed in this way as i genuinely think they’d come to me for absolutely anything ……… they all eat me out of house and home though

There will be a pecking order in the group and a geographical area that is easier for them to coalesce in, ime. My dc really resisted inviting people back - too much pressure on them. One family - their daughter is really confident even though she hasn't had it easy with friendships, she's didn't mind being the one risking inviting people, being let down etc - threw big Halloween and new year parties when they were younger, and provided a kind of summer house with fairy lights.

100% No.

I smoke but only ever outside.

The absolute rules: no weed and no fags, no drinking my booze and don’t even think about poncing a fag

Having said vehemently earlier in the thread that we have never been 'The House', we seem over the last couple of weekends to have become 'The House' for ds2 and his friends - they've been forced indoors by the dark and wet, and our house is big enough for them to be in a room away from us, I'm ok with them having a couple of drinks (they're 16/17), and most importantly dh's large collection of vinyl has given ds 'aura'!!
Last night I had 5 of them sitting in the conservatory listening to dh's records and playing'Cards against humanity' with a few beers. One poked his head in to the front room on the way out today thank you for letting them come round but that was as much interaction as we had. It seemed nice...good to hear them interacting and having a laugh.

I wish I could do this but I just can't. My home is my sanctuary, and when there are people over I cant relax . On top of this the cost of food now is outrageous. We have a strict food budget each week and we buy just the right amount of food so that nothing is wasted. Unfortunately this would mean if people came over we couldn't stretch the food to include them aswell. We dont stock up on pizzas etc, we just choose 7 meals each week and buy the exact amount for them.
I remember fondly when I was a teenager going to houses like this , most of them were really poor families who had nothing but would give you everything

We are that house. Single mum.. I'm 55 and love the teens around. Sleepovers, snacks, lifts, no problem. It cultivates a lovely vibe and kids respect that.