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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds entering college , who should pay for supplies?

79 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:15

he doesn't have a job. hes in care and they give him allocated money. he was given enough to buy a backpack and meals and transport costs are covered but he will have to wait longer for the other supplies needed for his course... he might need a laptop too but I'm leaning towards 'wait until he gets a job and can pay for himself' for that as he's not focusing on academics..

shall I pay or would they pay ? anything specific he'd need for a trades course ?

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 30/08/2025 04:21

Why wouldn’t you pay ? If you can.

JellyComb · 30/08/2025 04:26

He’s in care??

CommissarySushi · 30/08/2025 04:27

Obviously you should pay. Who is "they" and why are you expecting them to pay for your child?

TooMuchNowEnough · 30/08/2025 04:27

How old is he?

DrAmanitaPhalloides · 30/08/2025 04:31

Has your child been taken into care because of your absolute lack of care for him?

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:40

he's 16 in a care placement- I have a younger daughter and he was previously violent

The local authority also has parental responsibility... I thought that I should cover some of the costs but they're covering other parts

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/08/2025 04:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:55

i would absolutely pay for his essentials if he asked and wasn't getting his needs met but they already give him money for clothes and cover his food costs ect.. he got his bag and stationary from the placement's money yesterday, i didnt even hear about it until he called and told me

his clothing funds from SS/the placement wouldn't cover the equipment not covered by the college, he'd have to save up another months worth of money given to him.. by then it would be october and not september. im. Fine with paying for it if needed (and he doesn't really need a laptop but i know he'll need other bits and bobs) but i just thought that it would make sense for the placement to do so since he lives there full time

OP posts:
CommissarySushi · 30/08/2025 05:03

Why on earth would you expect the placement to pay for everything?? He's your son! Take some responsibility. Paying for his college supplies is the least you could do for him.

PInkyStarfish · 30/08/2025 05:04

The very least you could do is pay!

FieryA · 30/08/2025 05:14

Why can't you make some contribution to your son's educational necessities? The placement will cover what they can. Surely you can provide him more things!

pinkbackground · 30/08/2025 05:20

I think you should pay.

PurpleSocks37 · 30/08/2025 05:24

If you can pay for him. He is your son. Maybe going to college will give him another perspective and he will benefit from having a goal . Why are you not helping him if you can?

Squiggles23 · 30/08/2025 05:25

What kind of supplies is this? Are we just talking about stationary?

Peonyperfection · 30/08/2025 05:27

I think you’ve already said it yourself, the authority will pay to get his needs met, it will be the absolute minimum. At 16 he needs to stay in education and even with a job it would be a low wage. If you can help support him to educate himself then do.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/08/2025 05:30

I’d get him a laptop. I’d want him to be fully set up in his launch into the next step. This could be the making of him and I’d not want him scrabbling about trying to find the money for the basics.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 30/08/2025 05:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is a really silly thing to say. You have no idea of the background.

user1492757084 · 30/08/2025 05:39

Be prepared to pay if needed.
The best outcome for your violent son is that he successfully learns skills and completes a qualification that enables him to contribute positively to society and to his own well being.
I hope, with maturity, that your son seriously addresses his violent behaviour.

Don't accept him back into your life or home if he is still violent.

arcticpandas · 30/08/2025 05:42

If you can afford to pay for "bits and bobs" then please do so. That will make him feel that you actually care about him. Why wouldn't you? My autistic teen DS 15 has been violent at times. I wouldn't dream of not getting his school stuff even if he's not motivated. You seem to have completely let go of him financially and worse, emotionally. Please step up and show him that you care about him and that you care about his future by paying for what you can afford.

KateBushAgain · 30/08/2025 06:03

I’m finding your attitude to this situation absolutely baffling .
He is your son , yours.
Kids in care get the bare minimum because the government doesn’t have the resources. It would seem that you do have the means to equip your 16 year old with items he needs and you’re pondering if it’s your problem.
The council being in loco parents is a red herring . He needs your help and his education and training now will set the tone for his future circumstances and yes it’s your job as his parent.

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 06:17

user1492757084 · 30/08/2025 05:39

Be prepared to pay if needed.
The best outcome for your violent son is that he successfully learns skills and completes a qualification that enables him to contribute positively to society and to his own well being.
I hope, with maturity, that your son seriously addresses his violent behaviour.

Don't accept him back into your life or home if he is still violent.

Edited

Yes I would pay if they Don't cover the rest in the end. I can't let him back yet but I'm not opposed to it in the future if he improves. we're starting family counselling soon and ive apologised for my errors, he's working on doing the same

i'm Not sure if he needs a laptop as he's not going to be in the classroom much outside of maths + english.. if he was studying for a levels then it'd be another thing. but I'll look into covering the other things he needs if they won't do it

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 30/08/2025 06:25

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 06:17

Yes I would pay if they Don't cover the rest in the end. I can't let him back yet but I'm not opposed to it in the future if he improves. we're starting family counselling soon and ive apologised for my errors, he's working on doing the same

i'm Not sure if he needs a laptop as he's not going to be in the classroom much outside of maths + english.. if he was studying for a levels then it'd be another thing. but I'll look into covering the other things he needs if they won't do it

Show quote history

If his current ‘placement’ is because you have made ‘mistakes’ which you allude to and then he has become out of control, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do your best now to help support him. He’s still your son, still a child and still needs as much support from you both emotionally, practically and financially. I teach children who are in the care system - their main barriers to moving forward is the knowledge that their parent/s have rejected them. Yes, even those whose behaviour has been very violent.
Rather than waiting to see what he can get from the state (which in reality is who is paying for him to be looked after in his placement) be proactive. At 16, I would expect any child to have access to a laptop for their own personal use especially if they are in college. Take him out shopping for one, don’t wait until he has to ask someone else to provide one. You’re the adult - build those bridges.

Tablesandchairs23 · 30/08/2025 06:25

Of course you should help and pay for stuff. Your his mother. Ss will only pay for the very basics.

mrsbrightside1308 · 30/08/2025 06:29

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:55

i would absolutely pay for his essentials if he asked and wasn't getting his needs met but they already give him money for clothes and cover his food costs ect.. he got his bag and stationary from the placement's money yesterday, i didnt even hear about it until he called and told me

his clothing funds from SS/the placement wouldn't cover the equipment not covered by the college, he'd have to save up another months worth of money given to him.. by then it would be october and not september. im. Fine with paying for it if needed (and he doesn't really need a laptop but i know he'll need other bits and bobs) but i just thought that it would make sense for the placement to do so since he lives there full time

You would pay his costsI he asked? For God's sake he is your son get him kitted out and prepared for college.i would never in a million years want my son to go to college without what he needs to better himself.

itsgettingweird · 30/08/2025 06:37

Is it a section 20?

I honestly though don’t know why you’re asking if you should pay towards a laptop or wait and see if the LA stump up?

If you can afford it why wouldn’t you take him out to chose one and show him you care, you want him to succeed and believe you can move your relationship forward?

I know plenty of children under section 20 care and I don’t know any parent who doesn’t still parent their child. Just because the placement is necessary for the overall safety of the family you don’t stop being their parent.

Step up.

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