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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds entering college , who should pay for supplies?

79 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:15

he doesn't have a job. hes in care and they give him allocated money. he was given enough to buy a backpack and meals and transport costs are covered but he will have to wait longer for the other supplies needed for his course... he might need a laptop too but I'm leaning towards 'wait until he gets a job and can pay for himself' for that as he's not focusing on academics..

shall I pay or would they pay ? anything specific he'd need for a trades course ?

OP posts:
16plusDC · 30/08/2025 09:45

However if you can’t there will be a bursary he can apply for via the college for things he needs for the course.

PurpleSocks37 · 30/08/2025 09:51

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 06:17

Yes I would pay if they Don't cover the rest in the end. I can't let him back yet but I'm not opposed to it in the future if he improves. we're starting family counselling soon and ive apologised for my errors, he's working on doing the same

i'm Not sure if he needs a laptop as he's not going to be in the classroom much outside of maths + english.. if he was studying for a levels then it'd be another thing. but I'll look into covering the other things he needs if they won't do it

Show quote history

Now you need a laptop for everything... everything is online. He also can use the laptop when he will finish college to help him to find a job etc. Having a laptop is good. I'm surprise a 16 year old not having one already.

PurpleSocks37 · 30/08/2025 09:55

myrtleWilson · 30/08/2025 06:37

She’s not really outlined the backstory here. Her son witnessed violence from his Dad. He (son) came out as bisexual to his mom as an early teen. Her response was to verbally and physically attack him. Her brother joined in with the physical abuse. She then sent her son to religious counselling. The son wanted more independence so at age 16, she deigned to let him go to Tesco’s 5 mins away. The son also told his mom he was self harming.
The son may well be violent and comes out with misogynistic comments. His upbringing and family responses to his “confession” ( mom’s description) have no doubt impacted on him hugely.

But her focus is on whether she should pay for college materials and how much to charge her 16yr old son if/when he returns to family home…

Poor guy.. he is violent because how his mum treated him and I wonder if he is really violent or he was defending himself from the mum and the uncle..

Lindy2 · 30/08/2025 09:55

Most parents pay for their child's education supplies.

Yes your situation is different but regardless of parental responsibility you are still his parent. Perhaps getting involved and doing something helpful for your child, by choice, would be a positive thing.

MellowPinkDeer · 30/08/2025 09:56

The fact that you even have to ask this shakes me to my core. Bloody hell OP.

tripleginandtonic · 30/08/2025 09:59

He's your child. Whether or nor he's in care and they pay for him, surely you'd want to get his things he needs for college so he's not having to wait?

FatherFrosty · 30/08/2025 10:02

Poor poor boy
another post nailed it. Show you believe in him and support him by buying him stuff. He needs to feel like you’ve got his back as he tries to make his way in life.

I’ve taken mine shopping this week to get her clothes for 6th form. We’ve had a great time going to second hand shops, it’s been lovely. Your really missing out op and your son will be feeling that rejection.

BitterTits · 30/08/2025 10:11

I'm not on here that much OP, but I'm aware of the backstory from your previous posts. I'm not sure why you'd want to keep exposing your family dynamic like this, you don't come across well. You're talking about your son as if 'they' are now fully responsible for him.

In a couple of years you'll both be shot of each other, but for now step up and do what a parent is supposed to do.

cherryfizzpopbang · 30/08/2025 10:13

Will he get bursary at college? If so they will loan him a laptop and you usually get a stationary allowance.

LIZS · 30/08/2025 10:18

What’s the course? There will probably be some written submissions required even if the course is mainly practical so a laptop is needed, or he would have to go into a library or college to complete them . Who receives his child benefit? If he were in your care would you buy the supplies? Are there funds he could apply to for essential tools/gear if you can’t/won’t?

MrsBungle · 30/08/2025 10:23

You’re pushing him further and further away. He must feel like shit that his parents won’t even buy him some bloody college supplies. It’s YOUR job to look after him. So sad,

Overthebow · 30/08/2025 10:27

He’s your son. Why wouldn’t you pay for him to get a better start to adult life then he’s had as a child?

chesschessandmorechess · 30/08/2025 10:40

I have not read the other posts and will not comment on the fact your son is in care.
Im an ex Social Worker in Looked After Children's Services.
If he is 16 years and 3 months he will by law have been allocated a Leaving Care Personal Advisor. This falls under the Children (Leaving Care) Act.
His PA has access to funds to support with education.
Did you attend or at least have you got a copy of his last PEP? That will detail the support he will receive in relation to Education. PEP meetings need to take place 6 monthly and the last one should have covered arrangements for leaving school.
Has he an allocated PEP advisor from the Virtual School? If not you need ask who that is.
Your Social Worker will have all of this information, you need to have a conversation with them.
My advice would be for you to attend PEP meetings in the future then you can raise these types of questions when all the professionals are already around the table. If these meetings are not happening then you need to report this to the LA. If you dont get a satisfactory response report this to the elected councillor for Childrens Services and you will get a very quick response!

AxolotlEars · 30/08/2025 10:41

You are going to get roasted here! I really feel for you. His violence must have been horrific.

Is he on a full care order or section 20?

There is funding and budget for all sorts of needs at college for equipment for children in care and for children from low income families. I would say that a laptop at that age isn't wise, for college. In our area education colleges for over 16 actively discourage children bringing them in. Hell be told what equipment he needs when he starts the course. Maybe he would appreciate you buying something off the list. Speak to his social worker

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 18:38

AxolotlEars · 30/08/2025 10:41

You are going to get roasted here! I really feel for you. His violence must have been horrific.

Is he on a full care order or section 20?

There is funding and budget for all sorts of needs at college for equipment for children in care and for children from low income families. I would say that a laptop at that age isn't wise, for college. In our area education colleges for over 16 actively discourage children bringing them in. Hell be told what equipment he needs when he starts the course. Maybe he would appreciate you buying something off the list. Speak to his social worker

he shoved me and I almost fell down the stairs before he was sectioned then in care, potentially autistic with NPD or conduct disorder, he has seen professionals and no one has been willing to diagnose him yet, even with the signs of violence and no guilt. hes thriving at the moment and wants to come back eventually , i'll let him back home when it's safe, as i said i have a younger daughter. People always assume that youre a bad mum when they hear that your child had to be placed elsewhere for everyone's safety

he mentioned a bursary - i make over the low annual household earnings but again he doesn't live with me, I'd have thought he'd still be entitled to support. i'm Not sure if it's different for children in care. i thought the same about laptops, if its not a level studying then surely only textbooks and notepads are required.

i'll speak to his SW and i'll get him to make a list, he's mentioned what he needs throughout the day so it's getting hard to keep track of what he needs

OP posts:
Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 18:40

hes under a s20

OP posts:
Ncforthiscms · 30/08/2025 18:43

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:40

he's 16 in a care placement- I have a younger daughter and he was previously violent

The local authority also has parental responsibility... I thought that I should cover some of the costs but they're covering other parts

Edited

If he is in, or was in care then ask the college about grants for care leavers. My local college would give transport, daily lunch and fund books/equipment for him.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 30/08/2025 18:45

myrtleWilson · 30/08/2025 06:37

She’s not really outlined the backstory here. Her son witnessed violence from his Dad. He (son) came out as bisexual to his mom as an early teen. Her response was to verbally and physically attack him. Her brother joined in with the physical abuse. She then sent her son to religious counselling. The son wanted more independence so at age 16, she deigned to let him go to Tesco’s 5 mins away. The son also told his mom he was self harming.
The son may well be violent and comes out with misogynistic comments. His upbringing and family responses to his “confession” ( mom’s description) have no doubt impacted on him hugely.

But her focus is on whether she should pay for college materials and how much to charge her 16yr old son if/when he returns to family home…

Ah, i was wondering if it’s that poster.

PiggingBastardPigs · 30/08/2025 18:45

I’d want to pay for my son.

lunar1 · 30/08/2025 18:52

I’d probably shove someone who sent me to conversion therapy

zebrastripesarefun · 30/08/2025 18:56

Young adults in care can often borrow laptops from college for a term at a time

BabyCatFace · 30/08/2025 19:02

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 18:40

hes under a s20

To be clear, the local authority does NOT share parental responsibility under section 20. It's important that you're clear on that.

Original poster
atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 19:37

zebrastripesarefun · 30/08/2025 18:56

Young adults in care can often borrow laptops from college for a term at a time

I'll see if his college have this option, thank you

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 01/09/2025 08:06

Jesus Christ OP.

Spendysis · 01/09/2025 08:58

I remember your previous thread and a more recent one about charging him rent if he came home while on an apprenticeship . If you can afford it just buy the school supplies like any other parent would. Why would you want your ds to struggle even more