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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

ds entering college , who should pay for supplies?

79 replies

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:15

he doesn't have a job. hes in care and they give him allocated money. he was given enough to buy a backpack and meals and transport costs are covered but he will have to wait longer for the other supplies needed for his course... he might need a laptop too but I'm leaning towards 'wait until he gets a job and can pay for himself' for that as he's not focusing on academics..

shall I pay or would they pay ? anything specific he'd need for a trades course ?

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 30/08/2025 06:37

She’s not really outlined the backstory here. Her son witnessed violence from his Dad. He (son) came out as bisexual to his mom as an early teen. Her response was to verbally and physically attack him. Her brother joined in with the physical abuse. She then sent her son to religious counselling. The son wanted more independence so at age 16, she deigned to let him go to Tesco’s 5 mins away. The son also told his mom he was self harming.
The son may well be violent and comes out with misogynistic comments. His upbringing and family responses to his “confession” ( mom’s description) have no doubt impacted on him hugely.

But her focus is on whether she should pay for college materials and how much to charge her 16yr old son if/when he returns to family home…

Theunamedcat · 30/08/2025 06:37

You can check online what he needs for his course if you look it up on his college website he might get a bursery but he might need to pay out first and they reimburse him

viques · 30/08/2025 06:42

In my experience all local authorities have aVirtual School, which has an overview of the educational provision for Looked After Children, this is due to the historically poor way LAC were often shunted around the country, missing out on huge chunks of education and little continuity being offered or expected. I am surprised the OP is not aware of this as each LAC I ever dealt with was allocated a specific teacher whose job it was to check up on what was happening in school, offer support and if necessary resources. I would be contacting the Virtual School and asking what the normal arrangement for the provision of resources for college was. If I recall correctly the provision of LAC support goes beyond normal school age to cover post 18 education.

lunar1 · 30/08/2025 06:43

I remember your older posts, the violence really isn’t his fault, people have extreme reactions to being forced into conversion therapy. Very few of the mistakes are on the child’s part, they we all caused by horrific parenting.

do the decent thing and go buy your child everything he needs, he has more than enough to overcome without starting the term without supplies.

WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 30/08/2025 06:44

atmywitsend1989 · 30/08/2025 04:55

i would absolutely pay for his essentials if he asked and wasn't getting his needs met but they already give him money for clothes and cover his food costs ect.. he got his bag and stationary from the placement's money yesterday, i didnt even hear about it until he called and told me

his clothing funds from SS/the placement wouldn't cover the equipment not covered by the college, he'd have to save up another months worth of money given to him.. by then it would be october and not september. im. Fine with paying for it if needed (and he doesn't really need a laptop but i know he'll need other bits and bobs) but i just thought that it would make sense for the placement to do so since he lives there full time

Or it would make sense for you to do it as you’re his mother! Sounds like you’ve just given up on him.

BoudiccaRuled · 30/08/2025 07:16

So it's either you who pays or the taxpayer?
I would prefer you to pay, please.
I, one of said taxpayers, is already paying out enough on your son.

Sarfar45 · 30/08/2025 07:21

I think the very least you can do is take him shopping and get him everything thing he needs. So he feels prepared and has the best chance of success at college.
If you can afford to kit him out it’s a very odd question.

Your his mother it sounds like you seriously need to step up.

Macaroni46 · 30/08/2025 07:34

You don’t sound like you care for him very much OP. The fact you’re even asking if you should pay for his stationery rather than seizing the opportunity to spend some time with him and showing him you care. Poor kid.

VeryStressedMum · 30/08/2025 07:45

myrtleWilson · 30/08/2025 06:37

She’s not really outlined the backstory here. Her son witnessed violence from his Dad. He (son) came out as bisexual to his mom as an early teen. Her response was to verbally and physically attack him. Her brother joined in with the physical abuse. She then sent her son to religious counselling. The son wanted more independence so at age 16, she deigned to let him go to Tesco’s 5 mins away. The son also told his mom he was self harming.
The son may well be violent and comes out with misogynistic comments. His upbringing and family responses to his “confession” ( mom’s description) have no doubt impacted on him hugely.

But her focus is on whether she should pay for college materials and how much to charge her 16yr old son if/when he returns to family home…

Wth 😳 do you know this from previous posts the op had made?
I have no words, that poor boy

TeenToTwenties · 30/08/2025 07:50

Even if doing a vocational course he will spend quite a lot of time in the classroom. My DD had 1 day a week practical and 2 days a week classroom teaching on her course.

You should pay for the resources he needs for his education.

Taztoy · 30/08/2025 07:50

Oh that poor boy.

Mosaic123 · 30/08/2025 07:51

Please give your son the good start he needs by equipping him properly.

Don't passively wait to see if he gets it supplied or not.

Perhaps he will always remember that you helped him when he needed it?

This is such a sad thread.

CopperWhite · 30/08/2025 07:52

Paying for stuff he needs for education is the least you could do for him.

Doingmybest12 · 30/08/2025 07:54

Show your commitment and how you work together by talking to him and his carers about how you can contribute to support him going to college. Don't randomly buy stuff or say you will and then not. Agree it with the workers.

DoRayMeMeMe · 30/08/2025 07:54

Could you phone his social worker, and ask for a list of things he needs and then buy him those.

The normal dynamic is that parents actively do stuff, rather than waiting to see if someone else will cough up for you.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 30/08/2025 07:59

myrtleWilson · 30/08/2025 06:37

She’s not really outlined the backstory here. Her son witnessed violence from his Dad. He (son) came out as bisexual to his mom as an early teen. Her response was to verbally and physically attack him. Her brother joined in with the physical abuse. She then sent her son to religious counselling. The son wanted more independence so at age 16, she deigned to let him go to Tesco’s 5 mins away. The son also told his mom he was self harming.
The son may well be violent and comes out with misogynistic comments. His upbringing and family responses to his “confession” ( mom’s description) have no doubt impacted on him hugely.

But her focus is on whether she should pay for college materials and how much to charge her 16yr old son if/when he returns to family home…

Fucking hell, if this is the case, let them pay and stay the hell away.
Hope younger dc also removed. It's YOUR behaviour that's caused him to be removed
How amazing his he with how well he's done!

sandwichlover93 · 30/08/2025 08:10

Honestly, some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children. This thread and the backstory provided by a PP is the saddest thing I’ve read on here in a while.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 30/08/2025 08:14

He’s your son.

He’s trying to get some qualifications to further his life.

Why wouldn’t you get him everything that he needs to give him the best chance to succeed?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 30/08/2025 08:30

Get him a laptop. How else is he going to function in life? I’m sorry your religious beliefs seem to have skewed your ability to be a parent in the modern world and this seems to have lead to your son returning your violence towards him.

TokenGinger · 30/08/2025 08:38

This poor boy 😭

I truly hope he finds a home-based placement with somebody who can love and nurture this boy to help him become a stable and well-cared for young man.

Thingsthatgo · 30/08/2025 08:43

Maybe your DS will maybe feel nurtured and cared for if you offer to help him out with the things he needs for his education.

Hols23 · 30/08/2025 09:08

He may get a bursary to help with college costs.

https://www.gov.uk/1619-bursary-fund

I'd speak to his carers if possible to find out what you can do to help. It may be that money is not the best way of helping, but that you could help him in other ways - for example give him a lift to his induction day, offer to help with any transition work he's been set, help figure out buses to college, etc.

16 to 19 Bursary Fund

Bursaries of up to £1,200 for students in further education, training or unpaid apprenticeships - what’s available, eligibility and how to apply

https://www.gov.uk/1619-bursary-fund

Neemie · 30/08/2025 09:13

If I was you, I would be leaping at the opportunity to go shopping for supplies with my son. I wouldn’t be worrying about coughing up when there was potentially an opportunity for another freebie from the state. I think your priorities are wrong.

springissprung2025 · 30/08/2025 09:44

When I fostered young people entering college I bought what they needed out of my maintenance payment from the LA. Social workers usually arranged a laptop if needed. I wouldn’t have expected a parent to contribute but was always grateful when they did ( as were the young people who liked seeing their parent ‘giving’)

16plusDC · 30/08/2025 09:44

I would pay. I wouldn’t even question it tbh.