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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I dont know how to adapt to teenage son not wanting to do things with us anymore

72 replies

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:05

My son is nearly 15 and I know its completely normal for them to prefer being with friends but I am absolutely bereft.
We used to be so close and now we are strangers who see/speak to each other for 5 mins a day and sleep in the same house.
He doesn't want to come on holidays with us but is too young, immature, untrustworthy and also scared himself to stay on his own. He won't stay with grandparents as they have no Internet.
This means we either all dont go or he is forced to come and sulks and moans the whole time. I am so triggered by this and let it effect me so much.
This is my only time to go to these places as once they have left home I will be completely alone and I also have mobility issues. I won't have anyone to go anywhere with and I cant go alone. I know this is 100% my problem and they dont have to spend time with me but I am really struggling with how quick the years have passed. Im not ready to have adult children and I dont want/cant have anymore .
Should I be pushing him to still sometimes spend time with us? Hes been out this summer every day 12 hours a day and then is on ps5 until 3am. He does what he wants all the time and i only need 4 days from him . We are supposed to be packing right now and im crying and feel it's spoilt before we even leave

OP posts:
Jennywren8 · 06/08/2025 17:09

Oh dear, sounds familiar, we convinced my DS 17 to come away on holiday and he has spent 90% of his time in his room whilst we are away. We do get him to come out for dinner which is something but it’s not what I hoped for. It will be the last time he will come on holiday with us. I am pretty sure my last holiday with my parents was when I was 17. It is upsetting when you think how much we do for them, but it’s the nature of growing up and being independent. Doesn’t mean I don’t have a sniffle when I look back at baby photo of him being all cute and lovely when he was little though. Good luck x

feathermucker · 06/08/2025 17:11

They come back round.

He doesn’t get a choice about grandparents though. If he doesn’t want to come with you, he goes the grandparents. He’ll soon realise which is the better option.

Original poster
Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:15

It's just horrible when your supposed to be packing and getting excited and in the holiday mood etc and he is causing arguments and now none of us are speaking and I've got a banging headache
He is a good lad is in not a trouble maker and I've never had to worry about him smoking , drinking, drugs or girls yet but he is just so selfish. Everything has to revolve around him whilst he makes constant demands for money and lifts with no consideration to what the rest of us are doing

OP posts:
Fearfulsaints · 06/08/2025 17:18

I think you can expect him to go if he isn't trustworthy to be alone, but you cant really expect him to not moan about it. I understand why its triggering when somone moans on what shoukd be fun. Maybe acknowledging its not a fun trip for him, but you are grateful for the support and hope to do some things he would like to woukd help. Could he take his Xbox along.

It sounds like he is a young carer if you couldn't make the trip without him?

FrenchandSaunders · 06/08/2025 17:19

That’s normal at 15 OP, friends are everything at that age.

I remember a horrible argument with one of mine the night before a holiday.

They’re now mid 20s and love a holiday with us if we’re paying 🤣

BananaCake35 · 06/08/2025 17:34

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:05

My son is nearly 15 and I know its completely normal for them to prefer being with friends but I am absolutely bereft.
We used to be so close and now we are strangers who see/speak to each other for 5 mins a day and sleep in the same house.
He doesn't want to come on holidays with us but is too young, immature, untrustworthy and also scared himself to stay on his own. He won't stay with grandparents as they have no Internet.
This means we either all dont go or he is forced to come and sulks and moans the whole time. I am so triggered by this and let it effect me so much.
This is my only time to go to these places as once they have left home I will be completely alone and I also have mobility issues. I won't have anyone to go anywhere with and I cant go alone. I know this is 100% my problem and they dont have to spend time with me but I am really struggling with how quick the years have passed. Im not ready to have adult children and I dont want/cant have anymore .
Should I be pushing him to still sometimes spend time with us? Hes been out this summer every day 12 hours a day and then is on ps5 until 3am. He does what he wants all the time and i only need 4 days from him . We are supposed to be packing right now and im crying and feel it's spoilt before we even leave

Are you sad because he isn't spending time with you, or because you need him to act as your carer to take you out because of your mobility needs? It's normal for teens to pull away at this age but if he's expressing that he doesn't want to help you with your mobility needs, you need to listen.

Morestepsrequired · 06/08/2025 17:39

You refer to ‘us.’ Who else is in the family?

I would say what you describe is pretty normal except he is a bit on the young side to never want to do anything with you. I would not be keen on the 3am gaming.

PhaseFour · 06/08/2025 17:44

I'm also wondering about the wider family dynamics. Who else is going away with you, OP?

Original poster
Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:47

Sorry i meant once they've flown the nest i dont want to go anywhere that's just on my own - not because of my mobility needs, he doesn't have to help me with anything. My mobility issues will get worse and worse and will eventually prevent me from being independent
He has a sister 2 years younger

OP posts:
Echobelly · 06/08/2025 17:47

I was surprised how sad I felt once oldest developed their own social life around that age, but that's just how it goes and its healthy and normal. I'm lucky it hasn't been accompanied by surliness at least but it means whole family outings are hard to diarise!

Original poster
Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:47

We have so much fun when away and I spoil them rotten and we always have a laugh once we are there

OP posts:
UninterestedBeing12 · 06/08/2025 17:47

This is my only time to go to these places as once they have left home I will be completely alone and I also have mobility issues. I won't have anyone to go anywhere with and I cant go alone.

So he is a quasi carer? That must be a burden on him. I hope you dont guilt trip him about this.

Original poster
Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:48

How do we manage this during the limbo time until they are old enough to stay alone, at least 18 in his case I would say

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 06/08/2025 17:49

BananaCake35 · 06/08/2025 17:34

Are you sad because he isn't spending time with you, or because you need him to act as your carer to take you out because of your mobility needs? It's normal for teens to pull away at this age but if he's expressing that he doesn't want to help you with your mobility needs, you need to listen.

Show quote history

This was my first thought too. If he is a young carer, he will be pulling away and I assume hoping the younger sibling will do it all. It’s hard on everybody in that situation.

It also sounds like it is OP’s holiday and not something he enjoys doing. Maybe picking a holiday together might help.

Original poster
Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:51

He is not a carer. He doesn't do anything for me , doesn't lift a finger at home.
Everything i ever do I put the kids first. Every holiday is tailored around him to keep him entertained etc, nothing what i would choose
I think hes gotten so used to getting his own way all the time

OP posts:
PhaseFour · 06/08/2025 17:51

Posted too soon. I think you need to be proactive. This holiday has highlighted what lies ahead. If you haven't already, can you forge your own interests and take your lead from your DS? What is there locally for you to do where you can branch out for yourself and make friends? Support groups, gatherings that are possible with your mobility issues, hobbies that you can take up? Are your mobility issues likely to worsen in the future?

I feel for you - it hurts like hell when they really don't want to spend time with you, but as a PP said - they sometimes come back to you and out grow this stage.

It's probably important to accept it and not make him feel guilty - he perhaps has an added pressure if you are reliant on him, he might even resent this at such a young age. Can you speak to him about how he feels about your mobility issues?

Daisy12Maisie · 06/08/2025 17:53

I would be led by them. I’m not taking my 16 year old on holiday this year. Mainly because I can’t afford it.
So instead I have put what money I could scrape together on an account and we are having a day out shopping in London to get him all ready for 6th form. So I’m excited about that instead of a holiday.

So I would advise you forget the holiday and do a day trip instead. Let him choose what he would like to do.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 06/08/2025 17:53

Tell the kids the holiday budget and ask them to both come up with something you’d enjoy together? Make it a competition between them?

turkeyboots · 06/08/2025 17:53

He goes on the holiday OP. Its a difficult age snd you need to be brutally honest with him. You have to practice ignoring the drama. Do you have space on holiday to give him is own room so you get space from the sulking?

Pinkflower100 · 06/08/2025 17:55

My 16 year old happily came on holiday this year but doesn’t want to next year - wants to go with his friends. I’ve said he won’t be able to as no one will be 18 but I’m not sure he will come with us. If he does I’m pretty sure it’ll be the last one. It makes me really sad but I guess it’s normal. I hope he has a good bunch of mates to go with and stays happy.

Fearfulsaints · 06/08/2025 17:58

Thanks for clarifying about the care role. It was just the way it was phrased has made a few of us think that you needed his help. But I think you mean you mobility will decline so now is your time?

I think in the situation, you and the younger child can have fun. He has to come as you cant leave him home alone, but he doesn't have to join in with stuff. I know its hard to not let his mood impact, but it is quite normal for teens. You just have to accept him as he is, rather that frustrated yourself trying to coax him to have fun. Ive no doubt he will end up joining some meals and activities if he feels its under his control

I found my son pulling away and not wanting to do as much with us hard too. But he already seems to want to spend a bit more time with us again at 18.

MCF86 · 06/08/2025 17:59

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:48

How do we manage this during the limbo time until they are old enough to stay alone, at least 18 in his case I would say

After this trip, tell him he needs to step up show he can be responsible if he ever wants to be able to stay behind. Maybe a night away for you and dd when he's 16... then a weekend...

If he gets to 18 without you being sure hes ok on his own, there's a problem. He could be moving out for uni!!

Squidlette · 06/08/2025 18:07

My ds is angling to stay home alone for a week when he's 16. To be fair, he'll be nearer the 17 end by next summer, so if he still wants to, he probably can. I'd like him to come with us though, becauseI'm not ready to adjust to it being 3 of us.

CarpetKnees · 06/08/2025 18:14

How to adapt ?

Change your mindset.
Pat yourself on the back for having brought up a young lad who is behaving very normally. Who has friends. Who goes out of the house each day. Who has never been in trouble. Who doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs.

I would also have some rule changes about him not lifting a finger at home. All part of growing up - if he needs / wants money to spend, and if he wants clean clothes and wants food to eat, and wants to be independent and not go on family holiday - he needs to show you he can be mature enough to take turns cooking the evening meal, and budget, and contribute to other household tasks. He can't have it both ways, he's not a small child.. He needs to learn how to look after himself and a household.

Wheech · 06/08/2025 18:19

Aw OP I'd have rather eaten broken glass than go on holiday with my family at that age. I remember the holiday we did have and how obnoxious I was. We've had many holidays together since initiated by me as much as them so this isn't the end.