I dont know how to adapt to teenage son not wanting to do things with us anymore

[Confused92739572]

My son is nearly 15 and I know its completely normal for them to prefer being with friends but I am absolutely bereft.
We used to be so close and now we are strangers who see/speak to each other for 5 mins a day and sleep in the same house.
He doesn't want to come on holidays with us but is too young, immature, untrustworthy and also scared himself to stay on his own. He won't stay with grandparents as they have no Internet.
This means we either all dont go or he is forced to come and sulks and moans the whole time. I am so triggered by this and let it effect me so much.
This is my only time to go to these places as once they have left home I will be completely alone and I also have mobility issues. I won't have anyone to go anywhere with and I cant go alone. I know this is 100% my problem and they dont have to spend time with me but I am really struggling with how quick the years have passed. Im not ready to have adult children and I dont want/cant have anymore .
Should I be pushing him to still sometimes spend time with us? Hes been out this summer every day 12 hours a day and then is on ps5 until 3am. He does what he wants all the time and i only need 4 days from him . We are supposed to be packing right now and im crying and feel it's spoilt before we even leave

Thank you. I know its normal, I just need a kick up the bum, I was wallowing in self pity.
I am protecting my issues on to them which isn't fair
Going forward as other posters have said, he needs to make a choice.
He has the option to stay home if he wants from next year onwards. He doesn't want to currently as would be scared and night and would let mates in the house which I dont want . I would have to build a lot of trust first.
He won't be going to University , hes not academic and can't wait to leave school. I hope him getting a job will be the making of him

Ha! Parents never know quite a lot of things about what young people do!

Do girls refuse to go on holiday?

@MCF86 He’s not academic so not going to uni.

Unfortunately for him he could end up being OPs carer. That’s a pretty scary future as she cannot go on holiday without him. My DC liked activity holidays. Maybe the holidays aren’t very exciting?

The trick is to have red lines, things they are expected to do with you and then give them space the rest of the time. In my house mealtime was sacrosanct, bar an organised activity you ate at the table end of (same rule applied even after university when they lived at home). Holidays were red lines until 18 then they stopped, oddly they now want to come again …

Sorry, I'm be laying out the expectations loud and clear. Someone who expects everything to revolve around them, expect lifts, getting own way, doesn't do Jack all at home and can't be left due to blatant immaturity doesn't dictate holidays. IF he shows a 180 turn by next year then you will discuss him staying home then. As it is he has 2 choices, 1) get packed, put smile on face and get shit together act his age or 2) go to grannies. His choice.

I guess it depends what your background is. I was from a low income family and we never had any holidays.

I would have been overjoyed to have a holiday with my mother at any age because we couldn't afford them.

It's quite a privileged position for him. If he's not academic and he won't be going to uni, his earnings capacity might be lower. Possibly he should enjoy holidays worries, got the chance not sure he ll be paying for them for himself for quite some time.

Still "at least 18" to be left a week when he could just move out at that age is a problem!

Is there any type of holiday he would like to do? Maybe a city break? Does he have any particular interests, like history, car racing, boating, camping?

Being selfish is within the extremely normal range of teen behaviour

Their brains are changing and evolution is designing them and pruning their neural pathways to be ready to fly the nest...so they are peer orientated...focused on risk taking and essentially cutting family ties.

Yes on mymsnet and in real life you hear not all teens are like that but its absolutely normal

Id try to accept it rather than rail against it mentally

@cobrakaieaglefangAnd what 18 st rugby player is going to make that happen? Who is going to make him pack and/or drag him off to grandparents!

Grandparents could get into the 21st century and get wi fi! Or they could stay at OP’s house? That would be a holiday for them, wouldn’t it?

@TizerorFizzHe is 14 at present. Still a kid at this point, who apparently tries calling shots. Older and Id agree, at 14 tough shit, get packed kiddo.
I thought on MN they were children until 25 when the brain has developed. 😉

@cobrakaieaglefang op is on her pen with mobility issues I think she said. Yes, I agree in principle but who is going to make him? Maybe he needs input into the holidays? What’s in them for him? We discussed family holidays? Could grandparents help? Yes, he’s ruling the roost and mums seem to allow boys to do this. She’s sad but I’d be very very angry!

Are there any 'teenager' type activity holidays that he might prefer to be sent on alone while you and your DD go on holiday together? When I was 15 onwards my parents used to send me to friends who had horses with a friend of mine and we'd spend a week pottering around on the ponies while my parents did stuff that I thought was boooooorrrrrrrrinnnnngggg.

They went to Italy and went round Pompeii and now I could kick myself that I missed out on that. But back then I'd rather do show jumping and falling off in mud.

Presumably he still wants lifts, pocket money, phone, WiFi, gaming, guess what he loses unless he pulls the sulk.

@cobrakaieaglefang I’d be taking things away too but the op is just sad! Is playing hard ball going to happen? I think it there should have been give and take a lot earlier. Teens don’t just turn obstinate overnight. Plus op seems a bit needy. Maybe he’s fed up with his role as she cannot apparently holiday without him. It seems to me everyone needs to negotiate.

As I said everywhere we go is tailored to him and his likes and dislikes. He has adhd so we like to keep him busy and have entertainment and activities to do. I put myself last always.
On top of this holiday, me and him are going to London for 5 nights too!! Where he will also be spoilt rotten!
If I could cancel that and get a refund I would but its non refundable.
I think lesson learnt here now, from next year onwards start putting myself first for a change as the more I try to accommodate him the more selfish he becomes!

@Confused92739572 Ok. Stop spoiling him then. He’s not going to be a great adult at this rate. As usual Sen is the excuse. He probably needs to be told how to behave more often and expectations much higher.

I don't think he thinks you are putting yourself last. In his mind you are making him go on family holidays he doesn't want to go on. You are compromising your own happiness to make it appeak to your son when it doesn't anyway and presumaby both you and your younger DD is walking on eggshells around him. It just doesn't seem to be in anyones best interest to carry on with these holidays.

I don't know why people are saying this is normal. I don't think it's normal for a 14 year old to be out of the house 12 hours a day - what is he doing all that time and where is he? I don't think it's normal to stay up until 3am gaming - why hasn't someone sent him to bed? I don't think it's normal to sulk and moan if you are lucky enough to be taken on holiday - why is anyone putting up with this?

FWIW I have an 18 year old and she is really excited about our holiday next week. She goes to bed at a reasonably sensible time (prob midnight with no school atm), she isn't out of the house all the time (she is out quite a lot, parties and pub quizzes and at friends' houses, but also has friends over here and hangs out with her parents quite a bit). She's never once sulked or moaned about going on holiday in her entire life because she knows she is lucky that we can afford one.

Our holiday next week involves staying in a nice house in a nice place with some friends of ours and their much younger kids (who she likes and will play with). She is also getting to bring a friend for a few days. It hasn't been arranged entirely around what she would like because I'm not 18 and don't want to go clubbing. But she will still have a nice time, meals out, swimming, being in a beautiful place - and she will appreciate it.

I just don't get it or understand why anyone is putting up with such poor behaviour. I can remember not particularly wanting to go on a walking holiday in Wales when I was 14, for instance, but I also did not moan and complain about it because that's just rude.

It sounds like you have set few boundaries, OP, and are continuing to do so by planning everything around your son. You are a person too and also deserve to enjoy your time off. Maybe start planning around what would look like a good time to you and if he moans and complains, fine, off the the grandparents with no wifi it is.

@MonGrainDeSel there is a group of them who all live within streets of each other. They are very close friends. They are up and out every day on bikes, playing football, fishing and at each others houses from 10am to 10pm. They will go to McDonald's, the barbers, run errands. They are a lovely group of boys and its fantastic he gets to be so active and almost have a 90s childhood but I never see him!
When they get home they have a shower, food and then straight on the ps5 together at about 10pm. They will then play on until early hours.
Until recently I could control the WiFi and his turned off at a time I chose but we have changed provider and their router doesn't have the option so I have lost control.
He won't do this when back at school.

Definitely more rules required going forward to establish some healthier boundaries i feel.
Its so tough as his friends parents dont seem to have the same issues we have even though their boys dont go out with them, play out all day etc the same as mine , and are on consoles. His friends all
Say we are very strict!! I hate parenting teens

I know. We planned a holiday to Portugal, they were both at university by then but wanted to come 😂

I don't think you need to be able to turn the wifi off to stop them. If my daughter at that age wanted to stay up until 3am doing anything at all I'd have sent her friends home and her to bed, honestly. Cannot imagine it would have been any kind of problem. But none of them ever tried it on like that because their parents also wanted them home and in bed at a sensible time.

You don't sound even remotely strict to me!

Why is a 15 year old on a ps3 until 3am? Do some parenting, all gadgets away at night.

Parenting teens can be really difficult, I agree. I have certainly had moments of very much not enjoying it! But it sounds like you have not put any boundaries in earlier before he got to this stage of testing them. I don't know how you fix that, and a bunch of draconian rules probably isn't the way at this stage. But you need somehow to explain to him how his behaviour is affecting you and your other child. I do wish you luck.

Why doesn’t he lift a finger at home? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.