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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I dont know how to adapt to teenage son not wanting to do things with us anymore

72 replies

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 17:05

My son is nearly 15 and I know its completely normal for them to prefer being with friends but I am absolutely bereft.
We used to be so close and now we are strangers who see/speak to each other for 5 mins a day and sleep in the same house.
He doesn't want to come on holidays with us but is too young, immature, untrustworthy and also scared himself to stay on his own. He won't stay with grandparents as they have no Internet.
This means we either all dont go or he is forced to come and sulks and moans the whole time. I am so triggered by this and let it effect me so much.
This is my only time to go to these places as once they have left home I will be completely alone and I also have mobility issues. I won't have anyone to go anywhere with and I cant go alone. I know this is 100% my problem and they dont have to spend time with me but I am really struggling with how quick the years have passed. Im not ready to have adult children and I dont want/cant have anymore .
Should I be pushing him to still sometimes spend time with us? Hes been out this summer every day 12 hours a day and then is on ps5 until 3am. He does what he wants all the time and i only need 4 days from him . We are supposed to be packing right now and im crying and feel it's spoilt before we even leave

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 23:16

@MonGrainDeSel They are not together in person on the playstation, they all go home separately then play online together. Playstation is in room so hes on it after weve all gone to bed. Previously i I could control the connection but I cant now.

OP posts:

MonGrainDeSel · 06/08/2025 23:23

Um, unplug the router when you go to bed?

Though the boundaries are very much in play here because my daughter would not do something I'd told her not to (most of the time). Have you ever suggested that maybe staying up intil 3am isn't a good idea? Have you ever pointed out that staying up until 3am isn't a particularly great idea. It's not, is it?

TizerorFizz · 06/08/2025 23:50

I’ve seen this sulking with DN though. Up all hours. Used to have massive tantrums when asked to stop gaming. Parents paid for him to go to USA to meet on line gamer “friend” (they hadn’t met him!) and he was always treated differently to the girls in the family. He was a whinger as a child and was always being cuddled. So he worked out how to get what he wanted and by 9 was spending 10 hours a day on the computer. My DDs couldn’t believe it. School work suffered and got low grade A levels but would have got an A star in backchat.

I’ve not brought up a boy but I’ve seen boys who are friendly with DDs. None of them are like this. My DDs were discerning. There are clearly boys who are very challenging in terms of the world revolving around them and I think they are arrogant and rude. But there has been parental complacency as they’ve developed this behaviour.

FumingTRex · 06/08/2025 23:52

If he isnt old enough or trustworthy enough to be home alone then he needs to go. He can take some books/films, it’s not a hardship. Why have you let him get away with doing nothing at home? He needs to realise that we all have responsibilities as part of a family and can’t expect the world to revolve around us.

JoyDivision79 · 06/08/2025 23:56

It would make him significantly less whiny if he could bring a friend along. I did so on holiday at that age.

The bigger issue for me in this post is the urgent need for you to do things that you feel happy and safe doing without your kids. You're grieving and it's tied into worsening health. I understand this. It feels like a double loss.

Imagine just trying something that you really love that has nothing to do with your kids some time soon. One day or night away without them ( he can stay with GPs for one night even if he doesn't like it).

JoyDivision79 · 07/08/2025 00:03

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 23:16

You can easily cut this off if you want to badly enough. He's going to be more of a moody and potentially difficult little shit if he's free to be gaming all night.

Is he generally more challenging and prone to kicking off? Just take the controller and say no more after 11 pm. It's not good for anyone especially a teenage boy who is already going to be difficult at times.

SmallandSpanish · 07/08/2025 00:06

Can you team up with family friends with kids the same age? Go together? Or allow him to bring a friend? Compromise to afford this? Obviously a bit late now but next year…

greenose · 07/08/2025 08:05

could he take a mate ?

ChuppaChupp · 07/08/2025 08:21

Do you do any fun stuff at home. Do you play board games or are there any video games you can play as a family.
I think you might have posted about the 5 day trip to London. 5 days is a long time??
Can you tempt him out for a short trip out to eat something. Maybe a quick visit out for pizza or desserts or something. Then play a game of cards over food and return home.
You need to get him helping out at home too. At 15 it’s not right that he does nothing in the house.

frogyoda · 07/08/2025 09:14

I dont see the big deal him staying up until 3am in the school holidays playing online with his friends?

frogyoda · 07/08/2025 09:15

I dont see the big deal him staying up until 3am in the school holidays playing online with his friends?

MonGrainDeSel · 07/08/2025 09:55

frogyoda · 07/08/2025 09:15

I dont see the big deal him staying up until 3am in the school holidays playing online with his friends?

Well, for a start, if he's out of the house from 10am to 10pm he's not getting enough sleep - which is a thing that generally makes people bad-tempered and irritable. Also, if he were at home in the day and otherwise interacting with his family, sure, game with your friends in the evenings. But he isn't - he's essentially either asleep, out or gaming so spending zero time with them. And actually I don't think 5 hours of gaming a day is particularly good for anyone.

waterrat · 07/08/2025 12:15

@MonGrainDeSel you come across as incredibly patronising.

Itr's great you have a child who just does what they are told. I have two children and one is just unbelievably argumentative and defiant - I work with and volunteer with a lot of children and - surprise! - they all have different personalities. Some are compliant, some are naturally defiant. Different methods work with different children - and some are very very difficult to completely control

why come on a parenting thread - on a site that is meant to be SUPPORTIVE - and say 'have you ever given him advice about bedtime' - I mean honestly.

Not all teens are compliant, not all teens follow rules they are given - some teens enjoy gaming til the early hours and in order to avoid CONSTANT CONFLICT which is a common thing in SOME houses - the Op may have after many many battles decided to pick which ones she can cope with.

If you have never had the slightest difficulty getting your teen to behave bully for you but you have no actual life experience to share with people with different types of teens.

orangeblosssom · 07/08/2025 14:05

Think of it as saving money and spend the money you would have on him, on yourself.

MonGrainDeSel · 07/08/2025 14:16

Sorry, didn't intend to be patronising and I'm sorry if you read it that way. I can assure you that DD did not start off naturally compliant and I wouldn't say compliant is a good word for what she's like now, more 'able to recognise properly the consequences of her actions as they relate to other people and modify her behaviour in order to be a nice person to be around'.

Plus it is not in the least obvious what OP has suggested to her son or not because she sounds quite passive in relation to his bad behaviour.

WonderingWanda · 07/08/2025 14:24

I think it's about finding different things to do with them. My DS 15 loves music and we have based weekend city breaks around a concert he wants to attend. He's also not keen on the types of holidays we used to do but can be lured places where he can engage with a sport/ hobby or some sightseeing. You could try getting your son involved in the planning of a trip.

Other ideas of grabbing their company when you can - often involving food.
Cinema and a burger
Going for a full English
Pizza and a movie at home
Shopping and some sort of food - Something gross like waffles, overloaded milkshakes, lunch etc.

Mine does like walking, cycling and camping so I can do those things with him too but I appreciate this is trickier for you.

waterrat · 07/08/2025 21:21

@MonGrainDeSel as you perceptively describe your child she is 'able to recognise properly the consequences of her actions as they relate to other people and modify her behaviour in order to be a nice person to be around'.

That's a really great set of skills she has - it's also NOT a natural set of behaviours for many teenagers - their frontal cortext - responsible for exactly this set of behaviours - actually shrinks during the teen years - the brain deliberately prunes functioning while forming other neural pathways.

Any parent posting for help on the teen section will be well aware there are some beautifully behaved teens out there I'm sure they don't need to be reminded of it.

waterrat · 07/08/2025 21:23

My own advice - and this is coming from someone completerly imperfect with a sometimes very rude and screen obsessed 13 year old - is I just am absolutely relentless in telling him he has to make plans on most days - I say what are you doing, who is around, could you go play football - etc etc, I am remorseless about it!

this does NOT stop him prefering gaming if he has the chance and I realise it also happens to suit his sociable personality. But - all I can say is as parents, we can just never give up on pulling them out of their rooms, off the screens in any way we can - it's an endless battle with some kids but we have to perservere.

I would not expect him to want to spend time with you but I would hope to encourage and support him in learning to spend time in real life with his friends.

Skissors · 07/08/2025 21:32

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 22:30

@MonGrainDeSel there is a group of them who all live within streets of each other. They are very close friends. They are up and out every day on bikes, playing football, fishing and at each others houses from 10am to 10pm. They will go to McDonald's, the barbers, run errands. They are a lovely group of boys and its fantastic he gets to be so active and almost have a 90s childhood but I never see him!
When they get home they have a shower, food and then straight on the ps5 together at about 10pm. They will then play on until early hours.
Until recently I could control the WiFi and his turned off at a time I chose but we have changed provider and their router doesn't have the option so I have lost control.
He won't do this when back at school.

To be fair this sounds pretty wholesome compared with many teens.

waterrat · 07/08/2025 23:43

His outdoor daily life sounds amazing!

Much more like an ideal teen life than probably 90 per cent of British teens

bluecurtains14 · 08/08/2025 09:24

Confused92739572 · 06/08/2025 23:16

You go into his room at 10pm.

You take the playstation and any other electronic devices and put them somewhere he can't get them.

It's called parenting. I do it every night with my 16 year old.

Zempy · 08/08/2025 09:36

Firstly, do you decide on holidays together as a family? I was a SP with two teenagers and we all wrote down five places we wanted to go, then I chose a destination we had all written on our lists.

Secondly, you say he has good friends. Can’t he stay with one of them and you holiday with DD?

Lastly, you are setting yourself up for a miserable life. Why don’t you have any friends you can go away with? Why can’t you holiday alone (you have said it’s not due to mobility issues so why not?) I go away with friends, alone, or with my young adult DC. As PP said, they do come back, but not if they think you are dependent on them for your happiness. That’s way too much of a burden.

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