Where Have I Gone Wrong?

[WhitsunWeddings]

My kids are 18 and 16. The 16 year old boy is basically fine. The 18 year old girl has become very difficult over the last three years. The problems seem to have come out of nowhere and I don't understand what's happening.

She was always a really good kid, very good in school, getting good grades and behaving well. She had a lovely circle of friends. I still reminisce about giving her lifts to all her friends' 16th birthday parties and thinking what a lovely group she'd fallen in with. That was just two years ago.

Now she has no friends. She dropped out of school halfway through sixth form. She wears the same clothes every day and rarely leaves her bedroom. It is extremely difficult to get her up in the morning, to get her to eat breakfast, drink a cup of tea, wash, anything. She basically spends all day watching Netflix on her iPad while in bed.

She still thinks she's going to university. We have paid for her to sit A-levels privately, but she didn't do any real work for them. She's going to get really poor grades at best, or fail. But she has an unconditional offer from one uni, about a four hour drive away, and she's determined to go there. She's not really capable of looking after herself at home if we leave her for the weekend. I'm terrified of what will happen if she goes away to uni at the other end of the country.

She self-harmed when she was 15, which was the first sign of trouble. I was astonished at the time. When she started having problems in sixth form she had lots of counselling and therapy. She did a CBT course but refused to try any of the practical solutions they suggested. She told one counsellor she would end it all if she failed to get into uni.

She is really hostile all the time. I work from home five days a week and don't know how to handle it. She's always at home and so am I. I don't know where I've gone wrong or what the steps forward are. She is on antidepressants after seeing mental health services, and they seem to have improved her mood a little. I ask her half a dozen times a day to please look through a list of therapists I've found locally. She just refuses to play ball.

I don't know what to do, my life has suddenly become a misery and I'm terrified she will 'end it all'. Please help.

Regarding university, she’ll either cope or she won’t. People won’t tolerate her mess or unclean clothes like you do. It could be a baptism by fire, but could be what she needs.
I don’t need to tell you she sounds depressed. It’s a tough time and many young people become unwell at her age, it’s uncharitably called failure to launch. Look up hikikomori, the Japanese phenomenon. My own personal theory through listening to many people who are in mental health services is that it’s a burn out/ PTSD response to masking or feeling very distressed during secondary school. Secondary schools are hellish and they leave a legacy on the MH of many young people.
Just remember unlimited positive regard (look it up), even when it’s hard, validate how she feels if she tells you, limit problem solving, let her come up with solutions, don’t be quick to jump in and rescue her, it’s ok for her to fail a bit. Ask her, what does she feel uni will offer? What will make her life different when she is in uni? If she had a magic wand, and made one wish, what would be different in the morning? How would she know her wish had come true?

Baffled that she has an unconditional offer

to study… what?

e. I ask her half a dozen times a day to please look through a list of therapists I've found locally. She just refuses to play ball.

well that’s not surprising if she does have depression

She got grades 8 and 9 in all her GCSEs. In old currency, that's an A* in everything. So it is obvious that she's extremely bright but has mental health issues in sixth form. Hence the unconditional offer to study Law, albeit at a poor university. She was previously thinking of Oxford.

Has she got an EHCP?

No, and I didn't know what one was till I just looked it up.

It Sounds like something traumatic had happened to her during year 11, unless she opens up to someone it’s impossible to help. I really hope for her sake that uni is a clean slate and that you get your happy daughter back. I through a period with my son and A new uni, new friends and randomly taking up running and eventually marathon running brought back his happiness, It’s awful to watch your kids go through pain no matter how old they are.

They will accept her even if she fails all her levels as your predict?

The obvious thing to ask seems to be ‘what happened just prior to turning 16?’ And why did she self harm? Why did she lose her previous group of friends?

is she neurodivergent? What would happen if you offered to just watch some Netflix stuff with her, maybe with some food and just chill without asking her anything?

What?!

She either got burn out during her GCSEs or something really traumatic happened to her like sexual abuse. I do not think you can blame yourself. All you can do is try and be as positive as possible and praise anything positive she does, however small. I think the fact she actually wants to go to uni is a good thing, but I can totally understand that you may be worried.
Ideally you would get her into some form of exercise even Yoga, walking etc, it can be a real healer and have you discounted all physical illnesses like glandular fever, anemia, gluten intolerance etc etc, long Covid?
I do know people who have had severe depression and then been OK and learnt to live with it far better in later life but it often does require lifestyle management like healthy diet, no drinking, exercise etc, good sleep.

Forgot to say Cannabis use is often also a trigger for depression.

That's right, because her GCSE results were so good. Just in case you haven't understood: she has had virtually no tuition at A-level. She has sat A-level exams without attending sixth form.

She has never smoked anything.

She’s engaged with mental health services, taking anti depressants which help a bit and she’s got a plan/a dream…

Hold onto this! It’s something and moving out and going to uni might be the answer - she won’t make friends right now stuck in her bedroom but she could at uni, she’s made good friends before. She’ll have to learn quick like lots of teens how to take care of herself, but maybe having that focus will be a good thing? It sounds like it will certainly be good for you to have some time apart.

of course it could all go wrong and she hates it but for now I would really focus on what’s going well and her future plans when you can.

I think you’re putting a lot of faith on therapy fixing everything OP. Mental health doesn’t work like that, it’s a long journey.
Its better to think of all the pieces fitting together.
Get support in uni via an EHCP for mental health, this will give her extra time in exams or a scribe or just generally more support.
Can she do some community exposure with her mental health team? Otherwise going from being in her room 24/7 to moving to uni is going to be overwhelming. Can she good shop/ cook/ budget ok?
Family therapy?
Volunteering in an area she enjoys? To build up some friendships and transferable skills. I did cat cuddling and cleaning out small animal cages in an animal rescue as a student to avoid people.

Lots of useful advice there. Thank you.

I will have to look into an EHCP. She never had any problems at school until the lower sixth, and no-one has ever mentioned them before, including the four therapists/counsellors she has seen.

She can cook and budget, but at present I have to accompany her to shops to speak to the staff as she won't do that. Also, the shops have to be out of town, to ensure she won't see anyone she knows there.

Before her problems she worked as a volunteer in a charity shop in town. She could try volunteering again. Especially with animals - she is very keen on cats, and we're looking after a kitten at the moment having previously had a rescue cat with us.

I would be open to family therapy. I suspect we're both autistic. I have recently started trying for a diagnosis to try to signal to her that it's nothing to be ashamed of. It will take years, though.

I would strongly suspect trauma/abuse.

@WhitsunWeddingsgreat! How about putting it like ‘I’ve been wondering about how my brain works and how I see the world, have you ever thought about that?’

Also as she is out of education, the EHCP might have to be supported by a transitions team or her CMHT.

Do you have any clue as to why she is so adamant to not bump into someone she knows. It sounds like something serious has happened to her causing massive anxiety.

Re autism assessment, look up the Right To Choose pathway - this is essentially private providers contracted to the NHS, to reduce wait times.

It may be that she is suffering from trauma linked to masking autism at school or just from the demands of NT school environment. It may be something else, but it will definitely be helpful to know if she is autistic.

Edited to add: I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly hard, and you are obviously a very loving mother.

We've both done AQ tests together and talked about it and she agrees we're probably both autistic. She has said she can't be bothered trying for a diagnosis as it takes so long.

Thank you. That pathway was closed last time I looked, due to demand.

I think she is simply embarrassed that she suddenly dropped out of school. She had known all her classmates since the age of 5.
I strongly suspect she was 'masking' for years - and I didn't notice - and in sixth form the strain got too much and she snapped.