Where Have I Gone Wrong?

[WhitsunWeddings]

My kids are 18 and 16. The 16 year old boy is basically fine. The 18 year old girl has become very difficult over the last three years. The problems seem to have come out of nowhere and I don't understand what's happening.

She was always a really good kid, very good in school, getting good grades and behaving well. She had a lovely circle of friends. I still reminisce about giving her lifts to all her friends' 16th birthday parties and thinking what a lovely group she'd fallen in with. That was just two years ago.

Now she has no friends. She dropped out of school halfway through sixth form. She wears the same clothes every day and rarely leaves her bedroom. It is extremely difficult to get her up in the morning, to get her to eat breakfast, drink a cup of tea, wash, anything. She basically spends all day watching Netflix on her iPad while in bed.

She still thinks she's going to university. We have paid for her to sit A-levels privately, but she didn't do any real work for them. She's going to get really poor grades at best, or fail. But she has an unconditional offer from one uni, about a four hour drive away, and she's determined to go there. She's not really capable of looking after herself at home if we leave her for the weekend. I'm terrified of what will happen if she goes away to uni at the other end of the country.

She self-harmed when she was 15, which was the first sign of trouble. I was astonished at the time. When she started having problems in sixth form she had lots of counselling and therapy. She did a CBT course but refused to try any of the practical solutions they suggested. She told one counsellor she would end it all if she failed to get into uni.

She is really hostile all the time. I work from home five days a week and don't know how to handle it. She's always at home and so am I. I don't know where I've gone wrong or what the steps forward are. She is on antidepressants after seeing mental health services, and they seem to have improved her mood a little. I ask her half a dozen times a day to please look through a list of therapists I've found locally. She just refuses to play ball.

I don't know what to do, my life has suddenly become a misery and I'm terrified she will 'end it all'. Please help.

@OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof I think it’s actually very common. The number one thing the young people I work with fear is bumping into school people. It’s that ‘failure to launch’ thing where it feels like every one is with friends or in relationships or partying or at uni or working, and you’re not. Very hard to cope with.

Perhaps it depends where you are in the country?

This link https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/ has a list of autism right to choose providers (despite being an ADHD website) - definitely worth a look.

Are you able to talk to her about what she is maybe looking at online? Sounds very familiar to a friend's daughter who got into an algorithm of self harm/depressive content on Instagram

I worry a lot about what she's up to online. We were really strict with both kids about using their 'devices' until Covid, and then we gave them free rein because they were unable to see their friends. We've never got that genie back in the bottle and if I'm honest I feel it's too late. She is 18 now and I can't really monitor her online life. And at the moment she doesn't want to discuss it with me.

The fact you have identified that she likes cats/pets is great so I would make sure you get a pet permanently and get her to feed it, stroke it, look after it ideally, maybe even let it sleep in her room? (Assuming no allergies)
A lot of autistic teens benefit from working with animals, like in stables, for example. Obviously it has to be kept safe. I am not saying she is definitely autistic but if you even suspect she may be then you can start looking into things that help. Pets do not judge and provide unconditional love.

No, I agree that at 18 you cannot ban screen but you can gently talk to her about algorithms, balance, how screens affect mood/mental health, even the glare is unnatural and how a lot of it is negative energy and manipulated for commercial gain. It is more about framing positive screen use like learning something useful from a site/someone inspiring but not being dragged down by anything negative. Learning skills/classes.

This happened to a friends daughter, almost identical. It came out when she was 24 that she’d been raped aged 16 and couldn’t tell her parents.

obviously we have no idea what’s happened here it’s just the parallels are so striking.

I have a dc who is ND and I too sometimes wonder where it all went wrong. The advice here have had is to look after yourself and put yourself first (oxygen mask and all that). My dc picks up when I am anxious or depressed and it can be a vicious cycle us feeding off each other. You might like to start with therapy for you rather than your dd.

I have a child (now a young adult) with autism and adhd.

you can apply for support at uni with disabilities by applying for DSA. The government are keen to support people at university.

my DD got weekly study support (an hour a week with a student support worker). She also rarely left her room and watched lectures via the online recordings. She did assignments in her room.

food was online supermarket delivery or deliveroo.
washing clothes happened as and when.

if your DD doesn’t do well at uni in her first term then most unis have a system to pick this up and get her into study support. Newcastle where my DD was had three levels of study support.

my DD started off in catered halls as she was worried about cooking but unfortunately her flat had several party animals in it who took a lot of drugs and were up late so she spoke to the uni and moved into a studio flat specifically for disabled students for the rest of the year.

I wouldn’t assume now that she won’t cope with uni. If she’s got an unconditional offer then she can go.

I've started that conversation a thousand times and the bedroom door closes in my face after five seconds.

Are you open minded to the notion that there might have been abuse/trauma OP? Will she see a psychologist for non cbt therapy?

Bet it's Lincoln!

That you are aware of

Or university of Bedfordshire

Whilst she is 18, she is also utterly dependent on you. Shes never worked. You have paid for private tuition after she left school. She does nothing other than languish in her room.

So I don’t think she quite gets the right to assert herself as an independent 18 year old woman who can do what the hell she likes in terms of her online activities.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s accessing some very disturbing and sinister stuff

she has no friends? How’s things with her sibling ?

1. she has had a job in a charity shop, as mentioned above
2. she has never had private tuition. Perhaps you were confused by the fact she was entered to sit A-levels privately. That doesn't involve tuition, just the fees for sitting the exams

It's possible, but I think the more likely scenario is she was masking autism for years with no-one realising, and eventually she crashed into 'burnout'. She never missed a day of school until lower sixth, when her attendance started to drop dramatically. Perhaps there was some event around that time.

She self taught herself A levels?

are you new to mumsnet?

Thanks for the replies, some of which are very helpful, some of which are frankly more snarky than I expected. I will delete this thread in a couple of hours in case my DD sees it via the email notifications that go to our family laptop. I'll be making notes on the helpful suggestions before hitting 'delete'.

Correct.

Before her problems she worked as a volunteer in a charity shop in town.

so she does not have a job

does she have an eating disorder?

Asking an 18 year old who clearly has fairly serious mental health problems dozens of times to look at therapist is patently never going to come to anything.

I think this is something you as her parent needs to progress

does she have any friends? How is her sibling?

She has already seen at least four different therapists/counsellors.

So I ask her half a dozen times a day to please look through a list of therapists I've found locally..

is unlikely to come to anything

Is there a block function on Mumsnet?